Czech Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

I’m back! I know, I know…you missed me. There was wailing. There was gnashing of teeth. Some of you probably even got married just to temporarily distract yourself from the pain of my absence. I’m sorry.

But see, I have this thing called work. And a dog. And a girlfriend. And for once the dog and the girlfriend are different people! So I got a little distracted last week. I got some of the blog written, but never got around to finishing it.

Because I want you to know I was at least thinking of you, I’ll include the part of last week’s blog I got done. I would try to finish it, but one, I don’t really remember all the details (vodka is the devil), and two, does anyone really care?

Anyway, here we go:

So I’ve decided to start doing product placement in my blogs. I figure if ABC can shamelessly plug whatever Disney product it wants and I just have to sit there and take it like a cheerleader on prom night, I should be able to do the same right? Right.

Doritos!

Anyway, this week finds our band of misfits heading to Croatia. I don’t really know anything about Croatia except it’s far. I notice that in the opening shots of Emily there’s no sight of little Ricki. I sure hope Em didn’t lose her baggage at the airport.

Jef says he couldn’t imagine a better place to fall in love. I mean, sure, it’s gorgeous, but with a girl like Emily Burger King would be the perfect place to fall in love. You could have it your way all OVER that joint.

                                                                                                          Travis, in his lovably goofy Southern accent, says if he doesn’t get a one on one this week he may as well pack up his things and head home. It’s probably for the best…I’m sure Andy, Opie, and Aunt Mae are missing him somethin’ awful.

Travis does get the date, but it would’ve been just as well if he didn’t. He and Emily both talk about how they’ve developed a great friendship, but that they need to see if there’s any kind of romantic connection there. In an effort to create that spark Travis plays a rousing game of…would you rather?

Sigh. Dude is so far in the friend zone at this point he and Em might as well start talking about boys and going to the bathroom together.

There’s a rod sticking out of a wall and a small hole above it. Local legend tells that using that rod and hole together while removing your shirt will bring you luck in love. Seriously…I can’t make this up.

Travis manages to use the rod and hole with some success, but doesn’t take off his shirt. Emily must take this as a sign he’s a missionary with the lights off kind of guy, as you can see the last hints of interest fading from her eyes.

There’s a dinner, but it’s not really worth talking about. Travis was engaged, but it didn’t work. He hasn’t dated anyone since. Oh, did I mention that was two years ago? Poor guy’s penis has probably mummified by this point.

Travis doesn’t get the rose, which bums me out a little since he’s one of the few guys you can just tell is a good dude. Oh well, I’m sure he’ll find a nice girl to raise ostrich eggs with real soon.

The next day it’s group date time and poor Emily is just sick of all these extravagant dates so she decides she just wants to take the guys to a movie. In Croatia. My eyes roll so hard I think I have a concussion.

They see the new Disney movie, Brave, which I’ll admit I’m legitimately psyched to see. As a general rule I’ll see almost anything animated, no matter how bad (I know; I’m a huge nerd. Same way with comic book movies), but this one actually looks pretty good.

The product placement is getting a little old though. I realize ABC is owned by Disney, so it makes sense for them to take advantage of that opportunity. But doesn’t it get annoying when people blatantly pander Jiffy Lube to an audience Dunkin Donuts just because they can Trojan Condoms? Even I know that, and I’m no expert.

Though I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

After the movie Emily surprises the guys by announcing that they’ll be competing in their very own Highland games. Sigh…why couldn’t they have watched The Hunger Games and reenacted that instead?

And that’s all I got written. Fortunately there isn’t too much else to say. Chris is bad at things. Ryan has a big mouth and is a terrible judge of what people really think about him. The end. Moving on.

You better Czech Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

Guys, I don’t want there to be any secrets between us. I just think, you know, we’ve gotten close over the past several weeks and I feel like we’re at a point where we can be honest with each other. So as tough as this is to say, I’m just gonna come out and say it.

I liked NSync.

What’s that you say? It was a decade ago? You’ve had flings with terrible bands before too? It has no bearing on the present whatsoever? Thank God…because Lord knows some people go crazy about shit like that.

Prague!

In our last week before hometowns, Emily says she feels lucky to be in such a beautiful city. She also says it makes her feel like she’s in the old days. Of course in the old days an unwed single mom would’ve been more likely to sport a Scarlet letter A than platform heels and a leather jacket, but whatever.

Chris Harrison meets the guys to give his usual spiel, and he points out that this week is BY FAR the biggest week. Thank God this guy is around…otherwise how would we know how relationships are supposed to progress as time goes on?

The first date card goes to Arie, and reads “Arie, let’s Czech out Prague together.” Yay for wordplay!

Emily shows up, dressed in a blazer and a pair of sparkly shorts she may or may not have stolen from a local discotheque. Is business up top and party down below a thing?  She’s like a walking mullet.

There’s no real plan for the date. Just a girl and her man, searching for the nearest wall. But…something’s not right. Emily KNOWS something about Arie that he doesn’t know she knows.

Oh god, I’m getting flashbacks of every passive-aggressive girl I ever dated in high school. Ladies, a bit of advice: if you have a problem, come out and say it. Passive-aggressive behavior is quite possibly the least attractive thing on earth.

They pass a statue, where they rub a lady and dog for good luck and loyalty. I rub a lady and a dog several times a week and I didn’t have to travel halfway around the world to do it. I guess what I’m trying to say here, is I win.

But Emily just can’t shake her feeling that Arie isn’t being totally honest with her. So naturally she sits him down and asks him the same question twenty different ways.  At this rate I fully expect her to bust out a Cosmo Quiz. You know, because we’re 16.

Just then we cut away to Chris Harrison, who’s now standing in front of the mansion in LA. And wearing completely different clothes at that. F#$k Arie’s secret, I wanna know how that happened. Is he Superman? Can he teleport? We can’t get a damn helictoper on this season, but the host is some sort of mutant and WHY ARE WE STILL FOCUSED ON EMILY I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!!

Anyway, Harrison says that a long, long time ago, a decade ago actually, Arie had a brief relationship with of the shows producers, Cassie. The camera then cuts back to an interview between Cassie and Emily, where Cassie goes on to explain that she doesn’t even know Arie anymore, and has only seen him twice in ten years. Nonetheless, Emily isn’t pleased.

Oh, guys…in the interest of full disclosure I also wanted to tell you that I took a poop just now. What…you don’t care? You don’t want me to tell you trivial things that don’t matter, especially when we have limited time together? Oh…nevermind.

Arie, Emily and Cassie eventually sit down and have a conversation about the issue, and all is resolved. Albeit off-camera. How a show that thrives on drama allows one of its biggest conversations of the season to take place off camera is beyond me,  but who cares…it was a stupid issue to begin with. By that night, they’re back to making out, and Emily is basically begging to meet Arie’s parents.

The second date card arrives, and this one is Wolfie’s. He says time is running out and he wants to show Emily what he’s really like. I find myself praying that there’s a full moon.

There’s a boat tour, and it’s a boring. The walk down some random streets, and that’s boring. The John Lennon wall was neat, but that was because of the history of communism and censorship, not because these two clowns drew a boat.

Emily says the more she hangs out with John, the more she likes him ‘as a person,’ which is basically the kiss of death for any hopes John ever had of finding out just how good a job Em’s plastic surgeon did.

Lastly, the two arrive at some sort of giant bike rack where lovers will ‘lock down’ their love by…you know what, forget it. I quit. Last week it was a nub sticking out of the side of a building. This week Arie’s rubbing some old lady’s FUPA and John’s trying to make a lock work. These love metaphors are too tenuous even for me, and I once likened drunkenly peeing on a girl’s floor to a marking my territory!

For the night portion of the date, the two eat dinner in…wait for it…a castle! I swear to God it’s like ABC just bought some sort of package where you travel Europe and visit random ass old castles. What are we going to do today? Explore a castle. Where are we going to eat dinner? In the basement of a castle. What will we do for the group date? Play hide and seek in a f%$king castle! It’s like they’ve literally given up.

Sigh.

Anyway, the rest of the date goes terribly for Wolfie, and everyone seems to know it but him. Poor guy.  He tells Emily how his last girlfriend cheated on him with a doctor,  and all I can think is his current girlfriend is cheating on him with a race car driver, the owner of a water company, an insurance salesman and the blonde hulk.

But he thinks it goes well. So well in fact that when he gets back to the hotel he brags about it, prompting Sean to ‘spontaneously’ ‘wander’ the streets of Prague ‘looking for Emily’ so he can ‘surprise’ her. And what luck! He finds her! They spend a few minutes making out against a wall because, you know, making out against a wall is the new black.

The next day is the group date with Sean, Doug and Chris and ohyeahyouguessedittheygotoacastle. Emily touches Doug’s knee and he freaks out, so she finally decides it’s time to send him packing. Only Doug, who’s been looking for the go ahead to kiss Emily for weeks, mistakes her breaking up with him as a sign that he should kiss her. Emily responds by saying ‘thanks for that.’ Awkward, thy name is Doug.

Now it’s a two-on-one date and Chris, being the grown ass man he is, decides to whine about it. She placates him, saying a 2-on-1 is the next best thing to a 1-on-1, which is of course true, in the same way that gonorrhea is the next best thing to being STD free. Sean gets the rose.

Easily the best part of this episode was Jef’s date. I haven’t been his biggest fan thus far, I think in part because I’m still pretty sure he’s underage and this kind of love affair can only be legal in a place where 12 year olds still get married off in exchange for two goats and a cow, but now I’m officially sold.

They go to a puppet store, and wouldn’t you know it, Jef is great with puppets. Come on, ABC, you’re making these jokes too easy! But the part where he professed his love via marionette was admittedly pretty awesome, and he even produced two of my favorite lines to ever be uttered on this show:

“Can we…get a dog together?”

“I wanna date you so hard and marry the f#%k out of you.”

Respect, Jef. Respect.

By the time the rose ceremony rolls around, Sean already has a rose and Emily has already told Arie and Jef she wants to meet their families. That only leaves Wolfie and Chris on the chopping block. Chris is having a full on meltdown, tears and all, and for a moment I’m convinced it’s Wolfie who’ll be moving on to the next week.

But Chris, who’s maturity knows no bounds, stops the rose ceremony and basically cries to Emily until she decides that stringing him along for one more week would be easier than dealing with any more of his shenanigans.

Next up: hometowns! Who’s family will pull a Kirk or Kacie B. and ruin it for them? Will Chris manage to ride out his sympathy card all the way to a fantasy suite? Can ABC find a way to work a castle in to Arizona? These answers and more next week! 

Hoodrats and Handbags: West Virginia Goes To London

Today my 5 year old niece was telling me that ‘two wrongs don’t make a right.’ Smart f#%king kid, right? When I was five I was asking strangers at the grocery store if they had kids, and if so would they take me home so I could play with them. How I didn’t ever end up on a milk carton is beyond me.

The only problem is my niece can’t pronounce Rs very well yet. As a result her attempt at sage advice sounded more like ‘two Wongs don’t make a white.’ Which, to her credit, is still true. Racist, but true.

That doesn’t really have anything to do with my Bachelorette recap, but hey…the more you know.

London!

You think the Brits are sick of us yet? One morning way back in 1773, we put on some Indian costumes and dumped a bunch of their tea in the Boston Harbor…and we haven’t stopped f#$king with them since.

A few years later we stole a whole country from them. Granted, they stole it first, but hey…two Wongs. After that we let Germany bomb the hell out of them for two years before we decided to get off our asses and save the world. Today we steal their best actors, their best music…hell, we even take the crappy stuff only tone-deaf teenage girls listen to. At this point all England has left is soccer and beer, and I can live without soccer….

And if that wasn’t enough? If somehow we hadn’t destroyed all remaining goodwill with our cousins from across the pond? Well, no worries, because this week we sent them the Bachelorette.

As always, ABC opens things up by reminding us that Emily is a mom. I find it ironic that ABC, and even Emily herself, continue to remind us that Emily is a package deal, but when Kalon points it out he’s a bastard. I mean, sure, he IS a bastard…but does that make him wrong?

Anyway, Ricki thinks dragons live in Buckingham palace. The queen lives there, so I guess she’s not too far off.  

I bet Chris Harrison gets so tired of giving the same damn speech week in and week out. This week there will be three dates…blah blah blah…I hope to see each of you at the next rose ceremony. It’s like 1) if any of these guys don’t know the rules by now they’re obviously braindead and should be sent packing, and 2) if any of us don’t know the rules by now, well…maybe there’s still hope.

What’s even worse is this episode was probably filmed after shit hit the fan in Harrison’s own relationship. So the prospect of talking about Emily’s ‘journey to find love’ probably had him sitting off camera with a revolver in hand screaming: “I’ll do THREE BULLETS. THREE BULLETS!!” (Props if you get that reference).

Sean gets the first one on one, and dude is cheesing up a storm. I like him. The date card reads “love takes no prisoners,” or “come be my prisoner of love,” or something like that, and I find myself wondering if Emily’s been reading 50 Shades of Grey.

Quick aside: The success of that book is maybe the best thing to ever happen to men. It’s the book equivalent of porn: awful plot, terrible dialogue, hot sex. The story literally wouldn’t have been any different if Christian Grey showed up with a sausage pizza and a roll of duct tape, but the benefits are undeniable: 1) Women can never bitch at men for watching porn again, and 2) Now we get to do stuff that would have cost us a pair of Louboutins and remote privileges for a month just because. Just because!! How a woman who probably hasn’t had sex since the Clinton administration (seriously, google her picture…not cute) did all that is beyond me, but I am in her debt.

Most of Sean’s date is boring. Pictures in front a guard, pictures in front of a telephone booth, an awkward kiss with a bunch of random Brits secretly hoping they chip a tooth. At one point Sean gets on something called the speaker’s corner and gives a speech on love. I can’t remember exactly what he said but I think it went something like this:

“Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a f#%king big television, choose washing machines, cars, ipods and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage payments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suit on higher purchase in a range of f#%king fabrics. Choose do it yourself and wondering who the f#%k you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit crushing game shows, stuffing f#%king junk food in your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last years away in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, f#%ked up brats you spawned to replace yourself.

Choose your future.

Choose life.”

No, no wait…that’s Trainspotting, isn’t it? Oh well, it’s probably better than whatever ‘I don’t love her yet but I could totally see maybe potentially possibly loving her somewhere down the road’ nonsense Sean came up with.

Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives and Kalon’s name is on it. He says something to the effect of he should probably get used to it, because if he wins every day will be a group date since Emily has a child.

Now, is that an asshole thing to say? Yes. Is the point he was trying to make still absolutely true? Also yes. As I said before Emily is a package deal and Ricki will always have to be considered before she makes plans. That’s not a bad thing, but whoever chooses to spend his life with her will have to consider that and be ok with it. I don’t think it’s the point that Kalon was trying to make that was so dickish, but rather how he said it.

That night, Sean and Emily had dinner at the London tower, which I’m pretty sure was famous back in the day for holding prisoners against the crown. Finally, the good part. As the two sit down to dinner, all I can think is if I was Sean I’d be like ‘the hell with dinner, where’s this red room I keep hearing about??’ Alas, there is no red room. Just more tiresome conversation about who’s more perfect.

Emily: Do you want to have babies?

Sean: Ten. Eleven. Fifteen. I don’t care. Just take off your pants and let’s see what happens.

In the end he gets the rose, and Ken and Barbie head happily back to their Malibu Dreamhouse.

The next day it’s group date time. And since we’re in England this of course means butchering Shakespeare’s most famous work, Romeo and Juliet. A lot of people claim Shakespeare didn’t actually write his own stuff, making him the Carlos Mencia of playwrights. By that logic, it should be ok for the Bachelorette to make a mockery of it, right? Two Wongs.

Arie, who can drive over 100 miles per hour without breaking a sweat, is freaking out. Doug, who gets bent out of shape over the least little thing, is loving it. Travis turns Mercutio into Gomer Pyle, and Ryan mouth rapes a supposedly dead Juliet. All in all, I guess you could say it was a weird date.

The best part of the day was Kalon, who’s inner thesbian is out in full force, telling Emily to ‘run along’ while he rehearses.  I’m sorry…what? I swear, the only way this guy could be more of a tool is if he had a hammer strapped to his forehead.

That night at the after party, Emily tells Ryan he’s trouble. Ryan correctly states that when a girl tells you she thinks you’re trouble with a smile on her face, she wants to get into trouble. Say what you want about the guy, but he’s not stupid.  He gives her a necklace, and she gives him….a hug. Wah wahhhhhh.

Elsewhere, the guys…well, mainly Doug…take umbrage with something else Kalon said earlier in the day. Apparently he had described Ricki as ‘baggage’ and Doug, being the proud papa Hulk he is, decides it’s time to tell Emily what kind of a person Kalon really is. I’m not really sure how I feel about this. Sure, you could definitely view what Kalon said as wrong, but does telling on him make you any better? Two Won….nevermind, you get the point.

Upon hearing the news, Emily says she’s going to get ‘all West Virginia hood rat backwoods on Kalon’s ass.’ I’m not fluent in nonsensical terms so I have no idea what any of this means, but it sounds like she’s going to bend him over and tell him to squeal like a pig. So you can imagine my disappointment when she calmly asks for his side of the story and then, using only one f#%k, asks him to leave the pub.

Emily is so broken up over no one sticking up for her that she ends the party and doesn’t hand out the rose. I guess she doesn’t remember that the only reason she even knew about it was because Doug DID stand up for her. Poor Doug. Hulk saaaaaad.

Finally it’s time for Emily’s one on one with Jef. He has sort of reminded me of JP for a couple of weeks now with his quiet coolness, so it’s only fitting that he gets the date after sh!t hits fan much like JP did on Ashley’s season.

To be honest, the date’s pretty effing boring. They do some etiquette class that neither seem to enjoy, and then they go to a pub where Jef orders fish and chips, and a couple of pints. I think Jef has this thing where he orders at least one thing a day with an F in it, just for a sense of completion.

Jef goes on to tell Emily that if Ricki is baggage she’s a Chloe handbag he just wants to cherish forever. Wait, so it’s cool to call Ricki baggage as long as she's expensive? Or is it a size issue? Is it okay as long as she fits in overhead storage? Is checking her the limit? I’m confused.

Later the two go on some giant ferris wheel looking thing where Jef tells Emily how excited he’d be to have Ricki in his life. Every day when she got home she’d find Jef and Ricki having dance parties singing into combs….

…waiiiiiit a second. You know who has dance parties and sings into combs? Teenage girls. Jennifer Garner in 13 Going on 30. That’s who. So let me get this straight….Jef wears skinny jeans, is extremely fashionable, knows about designer handbags AND wants to have dance parties while singing into combs? He better kiss Emily soon or I might start to think he’s…

…oh, thank God. He kissed her. Crisis averted.

Quick aside: Just jokes, people…I don’t really think he’s gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that, if he was. In my eyes, everyone has the same right to be as happy or as miserable as anyone else.

Jef gets the rose. If you ever had any doubt, slap yourself. Seriously, do it. I’ll wait.

At the cocktail party Ryan busts out the Shakespeare again, and Emily digs it. When he’s not being a cocky ass, Ryan can actually be pretty charming. He also seems like he’d be a fun guy to get a beer with.

Alejandro is the only guy sent home and I feel bad for him, mostly because he’s the only guy who knew where ‘a rose by any other name’ came from.  But he’ll be fine. He came across as a nice guy, so I’m sure he’ll find a nice Vegan girl to help him eat his magic mushrooms in no time.

Next week…I don’t know! I wasn’t paying attention at the end. Was it Prague? Oh well, I’ll be back…and that’s all that matters.

Knee Socks and Trophy Wives (or An Idiot's Guide To Sailing)

What up, party people.

First things first, I have a confession to make. Last night I watched the Bachelorette with a bottle of white wine. And tonight, as I write this, I’ve got one of those god awful Twilight movies playing in the background. You know the ones, where the girl who always seems to think she’s acting in an Avril Lavigne biopic is in love with the James Dean wannabe who for some reason sparkles in the sunlight. Then there’s some other dude. He turns into a big dog or something, but with the way he’s always whining you’d think he was a giant pussy….cat. Pussy cat. 

The sad part is, it’s actually pretty good. Yeah yeah, I know…it appears that at 31 I’m officially turning into a teenage girl. If at some point I start tweeting links to One Direction songs you have my full permission to burn me at the stake.

Anyway, let’s get to this nonsense, shall we?

When the curtain raises on our fourth week of Tool Academy, err, The Bachelorette, we find that we’re headed to sunny BERMUDA! For a second I am Jack’s intense feeling of rage. These Dingos get to go to seasonally appropriate Bermuda and the only place I traveled to was Phuket in the MIDDLE OF MONSOON SEASON?!? Not fair. But I digress.

Emily is excited about the trip.  She says she’s so fortunate to be able to bring Ricki along with her, presumably because Ricki is going to be hot one day and she might as well learn all about stringing dudes along now, while she’s still young and it’s easier to absorb information.

Emily just hopes that the next time she comes to Bermuda it’s with her husband and she’s pregnant pushing a baby stroller. I’m not sure understands the logistics of baby making. Or maybe she does…who knows, maybe she wants to push out set after set of Irish twins until she’s got her own basketball team of Aryan looking children of the corn. Not to imply that they’d definitely be slingblade wielding psychopaths, but if any of them are named Ezekiel or Hezekiah, run. Don’t think…run.

In another part of crazy town, we find the guys tearing through the quaint streets of Bermuda on….scooters? Right. Because there’s nothing sexier than a bunch of overgrown dudes on Vespas. Sigh.

Travis is so excited he decides to sing a little song: “Bermuda, Bermuda, Bermuda,” he croons, his lyrical skills so finely honed he almost reminds me of that guy who sang the Emily song on night one. What was his name again?

Eh, doesn’t matter.

We get the obligatory product placement interviews, with the guys saying how awesome their digs are. We get it, fellas. You’re on a beautiful island with a beautiful girl in a BEAUTIFUL hotel. Wonderful. No worries…me, my dog hair covered couch and my DiGiorno flatbread aren’t jealous in the slightest.

Bastards.

Travis nervously says he needs some time with Emily because he feels like he’s falling behind some of the other guys. At least Arie is having some fun…he grabs the first date card and pretends it’s for him. I like Arie. We should hang sometime.

The first date goes to Doug, and the card reads ‘let our senses lead the way.’ Immediately I’m hoping for something kinky or that they’re going to be blindfolded in an abandoned mine field or something like that, but this is network tv so I should probably let go of those dreams.

Doug is nervous because on a one-on-one date he might get sent home. Ummm, yeah Doug…that’s typically how it works. Arie, who’s “ready for the football team to disband,” and some of the other guys take the opportunity to mess with his head a little, prompting Doug to drop a string of f-bombs that would’ve made Tarantino proud. Thankfully Emily walked in about that time, preventing anyone from getting their ear cut off.

(Line of the night: Arie’s “Doug is like the Hulk. Doug angry. Doug smash. Doug sadddd.” I’m serious…Arie, if you’re reading this, let’s get drinks sometime.)

In typical Bachelor/ette form, the first date in Bermuda is one of those let’s explore the town/learn about the culture dates that no one except the Bermuda tourism board really gives a shit about. But Doug, God bless him, musters up his best “I’m excited!” when he finds out they’re going shopping.  Gotta think being a parent helped with that one….he’s been faking excitement for refrigerator art, gold stars, and other crap he probably doesn’t really care about for years.

Eventually the two sit down on some steps and talk about life. (Because where else would you do that? In a chair?? Don’t be so bourgeoisie.) Doug tells Emily he wanted his son to know one person could change the world, so he started a charity “because Superman wasn’t gonna show up.” Oh, well that makes sense. I gave a bunch of clothes to Goodwill the other day because, I mean, it wasn’t like Spiderman was gonna do it…after all, he’s only got the one suit.

Emily writes a letter to Doug’s son, Austin. I didn’t listen to what she actually wrote, but I’m guessing it went something like this:

Dear Austin,

You don’t know me, but I’m the hot lady your dad left you for. When you see this show, you’ll probably wonder why I got to bring my daughter but he wasn’t allowed to bring you. The simple answer to that is that hot women get whatever they want. I know it’s not fair…but it’s true and it’s best you start learning to deal with it now because it won’t ever change. One day, I might be your mommy, and you’ll get to meet my Ricki. She’ll probably be hot one day too, but that really doesn’t do you any good because if I’m your mom that would be gross. Sorry kiddo.

All the best, Em.

After that, they walk through something called a moon gate, which according to local custom grants each person who walked through it one wish. Emily wishes not to be single forever, you know, because hot famous women frequently become spinsters…and Doug probably wishes for sleeves that would fit over his comically oversized biceps.

Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives and the guys are all praying their names will be on it so they don’t have to go on the dreaded Thunderdome date. Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis, and Kalon’s names are called, leaving Nate, John, Alejandro and Michael with the possibility of receiving the 2-on-1. Nate says he’s dreading it because he’s not ready to go home yet. Funny, until this moment I didn’t know he was even there.

Returning to the 1-on-1, Doug E. NotSoFresh and Emily are sitting down to dinner. She wants to know his faults, to which he replies that he’s too good a father and his last girlfriend said he didn’t clean her car enough. Right, and my biggest weakness is that I work too hard. The only way you had a repeated fight with your ex-girlfriend about cleaning her car was if that was some sort of euphemism for taking her to pleasure-town.

But whatever, it’s not like Emily was particularly forthcoming with her faults either. “I wear my pajama pants to the mall?” Come on…she could wear Hammer Pants and she’d still be hot. Try again.

In the end, Doug gets the rose but is too afraid to smooch Emily. He says it’s because he hasn’t kissed a woman in a while and doesn’t want to make the first move. Well, I haven’t slept with a Victoria’s Secret Model in….ever, but do you think if one was sitting three glasses of wine deep right in front of me I’d let that stop me?? Balls out, Doug…balls out.

The next day the guys meet Emily at the local marina for the group date. Kalon is excited, declaring that this is his element. I’d have thought his element was a room full of debutantes and a mountain of coke, but maybe I need to brush up on my Bret Easton Ellis. Ryan says he doesn’t know jack squat about sailing, and judging by his hair, he clearly doesn’t know much about the proper application of hair products either. A lot of the guys are wearing hoodies, and I find myself hoping that George Zimmerman isn’t nearby.

After a brief lesson in sailing, the guys find out they’ll be breaking into teams and racing for a chance to go out with Emily that night. It seems a little unfair to have Arie on this date, since that’s the racing equivalent of having Derek Jeter on your rec league softball team, but screw it…I’m not there, so who cares?

At the hotel the 2-on-1 date card arrives, and it’s for John and Nate. The card reads “Let’s explore this Bermuda love triangle,” and I find myself thinking I’ve seen so little of these guys the Bermuda triangle could literally swallow them up and I wouldn’t even notice.

The boat race is pretty typical. One teams starts out ahead, the other teams comes back for a stunning win. It was all very Cool Runnings…you could almost hear them singing “Bermuda we got a boat race team!” And guess who comes up with the brilliant up and under move to win the day for his team? Yep, Arie. F#$king ringer.

Kalon, Ryan, Arie, and Jef win the race, leaving Charlie, Chris, Sean and Travis to sulk back to the hotel. Charlie even cries a little, causing me to subconsciously start singing “Cheer up Charlie” from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Damn you, Tim Burton…why did he have to ruin that movie?

At the after party, Ryan unleashes his inner Snidely Whiplash. He toasts to his teams win, and his possible future trophy wife. Em is offended, but honestly Ryan seems like the kind of guy that treats his trophies better than he treats most women so it might not be a bad thing.

Arie steals Emily away and works some magic. He’s definitely top 3 right now for sure. He says his feelings for her grow each time he sees her, and although I’m not entirely sure he was talking about his feelings, she seems to dig it. What was up with the kissing while walking though? I kinda hoped they’d trip over a log.

Jef gets some time in too, and I still can’t figure out his game. He’s either playing it cool and acting uninterested, which is genius because Emily is definitely NOT used to being unwanted so this has to drive her crazy…or he’s genuinely not interested and at this point is only hanging around because he’s secretly interested in Ricki. It would definitely explain the skateboard and boy band hair.

When Ryan finally gets his alone time, he unleashes his inner life coach, telling Emily “she’s been given a great responsibility and needs to make the most of it,” and that “God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman..” He goes on to say there’s a lot of depth to him, that he’s super mature, and that he’s not here to impress her, but here to make an impression upon her.

Now, I’m sure there is some editing going on here, but good Lord man…what are you thinking? I mean, don’t stop…please don’t stop. Every word you say makes me look better by comparison, but still…wow.

At the end of the night, Jef gets the rose and I notice for the first time that Kalon is there. I guess he figured the less he says the better. I agree.

The two-on-one date was one of the most excruciating things I’ve ever seen. Everyone looked super awkward, and I’m pretty sure the only reason John got the rose was because he was the lesser of two evils. Moving on.

Nothing too interesting from the cocktail party/rose ceremony, but there were a few highlights:

1.     Ryan talking about how he’s called to bigger things, and how if this doesn’t work out he thinks God is leading him to use this position to be the next Bachelor. Yeah, because that’s what God cares about. Children are starving, disease is rampant, and there’s been a war going on for thousands of years in his son’s homeland, but God’s main priority is giving you 25 women to insult. Whatever you say, clownshoes.

2.     There was also Jef’s outfit, which I called his Hansel and Gretel outfit while watching the show. Well, turns out it’s traditional Bermudian business attire, and I got some not so nice responses for making fun of it. Here is my response to that: stop dressing like overweight German kids, and I’ll stop making fun of you.

3.     Chris confronts an amused Doug and expresses his frustration over Doug calling him immature by telling Doug he’s a grown-ass man. Here’s a good rule of thumb: If you refer to yourself as a grown-ass man, you are not a grown-ass man.

In the end, Emily bids farewell to Michael and Charlie. I was sad for Charlie, because he seems like a genuinely good dude. I don’t really know Michael, but I’ll certainly miss his inventive ways for keeping his hair out of his face.

Ok folks, that’s all for now. I’ll be back to entertain you in a week when Emily takes her short bus full of guys to London. The guys hone their acting chops, someone calls Ricki baggage, and Emily says a swear word!

The Gypsy King of Compromise

Ok folks, I have a couple of weeks to make up for here so we’re gonna do this quick and dirty (that’s what she said).

To briefly recap last week’s episode:

1.     Emily doesn’t have any friends. At least none that would agree to be on the show. Because if you expect me to believe that ABC didn’t pay that Benetton band of women to sit in the park with her…well, I hope you packed a lunch.

2.     Ryan has never made cookies before. He stirred the batter with a f#%king whisk, for Christ’s sake. If this were Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark, a buzzsaw would’ve flown out of the kitchen wall and decapitated him. Or at the very least removed that god-awful half-hawk from his head.

3.     Did you see Ryan’s face when Em suggested they were going to Chuck-e-cheese? He looked like someone had stolen his snack-pack. This is not a man who’s ready for the day-to-day travails of fatherhood. Not that I’m ready to be a dad either, but if it had been me, I’d have been disappointed when I found out we WEREN’T going to Chuck-e-Cheese. Come on…pizza? Skee-ball?? BOUNCY CASTLES?!? Hmm, I really wasn’t meant for this show, was I?

4.      I’m not sure who jumped the shark on the group date—the Bachelorette or the Muppets. I mean, I get that Emily’s a mom and Ricki’s a big part of the show, so we’re obviously gonna do some kid friendly stuff…but some of this was just too weird. For example, what was going on with the whole Kermit—Miss Piggy—Emily love triangle? We can’t have sticks of dynamite blowing up in Wile E. Coyote’s mouth in cartoons anymore, but affairs and domestic abuse we’re okay with?

5.     Remember the movie Newsboys? I think that’s where Stevie got his wardrobe for this date.

6.     I just don’t understand Emily’s attraction to Jef. Don’t get me wrong, he seems like a really cool guy, but if he’s a day over 17 they should harvest his blood and study it. He looks like a singer for that really shitty boy band. What’s the one? Oh, right…all of them.

7.     Joe should’ve known things were going downhill when he got off the plane in West Virginia. Honestly, this might have been the worst date in franchise history—a hotel so old it looks like it might still have slaves on back-order; I’m pretty sure the carpet was astro-turf, and I’d be willing to bet that every room had an assortment of those creepy little dolls whose eyes follow you everywhere you go. No thank you. Aside from having a fat dude with three teeth tell you to squeal like a pig, how could it have gotten any worse?

8.     Oh right, you could GET DUMPED IN WEST VIRGINIA.

9.     I’m pretty sure Ryan has never written a love letter before. 7 pages?? Christ, did he just write everything that was on his mind? “I think you’re really beautiful. I bet we’d make beautiful babies. My left sock is falling down. Do you wear socks? I bet you wear cute socks. I like to leave my socks on when I do it. My last girlfriend said it was weird, but sometimes I just get cold, ya know? What do you think people in England call English style Lager? Is it just Lager? Whoops, there goes my right sock…”

There you have it…episode 2 in under a page! Let’s see if I can do the same for Episode 3. And here. We. Go.

1.     This week brought us our first danger-as-love metaphor, with Chris declaring that “climbing a building is a lot like love…you start at the bottom and work your way to the top.” Just once I hope they go shark-diving and someone says “marriage is a lot like shark-diving, one wrong move and that bitch will bite your head off.”

2.     Chris wants to prove he’s mature despite only being 25, so he tells Em he went off to college at 17. I went to college at 17 too. Does anyone think I’m mature enough to be a dad? Exactly.

3    Chris asks Emily if he can kiss her ‘after this song is over.’ I don’t know if he just really liked the song or what, but fast forward five years and I bet he’s asking her if he can touch her boob after she finishes that glass of pinot. Sexy.

4.     When he meets her friends, Ryan says he wouldn’t be okay with Emily gaining weight after they got married. “I’d still love you,” he says, “I might just not love ON you as much.” Excuse me? Nevermind the fact that Emily could put on 30 pounds and still be a 9.5 AT A MINIMUM, dude just put his foot so far in his mouth he’s going to be shitting toes for a week. Christ.

5.     Not sure I’ve ever seen Sean on camera before, but in the fifteen minutes of airtime tonight he assured he’ll never be hurting for dates again. Well played, sir.

6.     Second one on on date goes to Arie. Emily, apparently unaware of the axiom that states “those who do not remember history are doomed to repeat it,” packs up her racer in a small prop plane and heads to….DOLLYWOOD! Honestly, last week we went to West Virginia. This week it’s Dollywood. Thank God these kids are leaving the country next week, because the only logical next step here is cow-tipping in Myrtle Beach.

7.     Seeing Em react to meeting Dolly Parton was cute. You have to give Dolly credit--she’s got implants older than Emily, but she still sings her ass off and her 47 year relationship with her husband is something all couples should aspire to. Much love.

8.     If it wasn’t obvious before, Arie is the clear front runner here. You can see it in the way Em acts around him, and in the passion in their kisses. Second at this point is probably Chris, or Sean. A distant third and falling faster than Facebook’s stock price is Ryan.

9.     Kalon loves listening to Emily talk, just not as much as he loves himself, or his mom. He’s got one more week, max.

1. Alessandro looks at children as a ‘compromise,’ but cousins as an ‘opportunity.’ I guess even in Brazil, it’s easier to walk across the hall than across the street.

1. In the end Tony goes home to his son, DJ Stevie dances his way back to New Jersey, and Alessandro rides off into the night to reclaim his rightful place as Gypsy King (which I assume means he’s going to ride around in a caravan and steal things from retail stores).

Next week: Bermuda! Cliff diving, Ryan continues his villainous turn, and Nate finally speaks! (maybe)

She Said A Minivan Full of Babies, Brent...not Teenagers

Man, Emily’s hot.

That’s literally the only note I took through the first 15 minutes of Monday’s premiere of the Bachelorette. I even went back and rewatched it after I realized I didn’t have anything more significant to add, and all I came away with that time was:

Damn.

Fortunately, the oxygen eventually returned to my brain and I was able to focus (sort of) for the rest of the episode.

There’s never too much plot development on the first night so I won’t waste anyone’s time with useless exposition. Rather, I’ll just pick out some winners and losers from Night One:

Winner: Ryan. Emily is a charming, unassuming Southern woman with impeccable manners to match her good looks. So it makes sense that she would like Ryan, who is basically the male version of her. I’m not sure what was going on with dude’s hair, but he was laid back and friendly. I like him. And I’m sure it didn’t hurt that he appears to have been carved directly out of marble.

Loser: Lerone. Well, at least ABC tried. Don’t get me wrong…he seemed nice. But come on; couldn’t the token black guy have at least been…Black? I know, I know…expecting that there be some fundamental difference between a black person and a white person is racist in and of itself. Trust me, I get it. All I’m saying is this is the first minority representation this show has had in…I don’t know…ever, maybe, and they had to kill it by making him the most neutered looking black guy on earth? Don’t take my word for it; look at the stats: he sells real estate and owns a dog so effeminate most women wouldn’t be seen with it. Really? This was our big ballsy foray into the unknown? What, was Carlton busy?

Winner: Jef. I have to be honest. I saw this guy’s picture and had the following initial reactions: 1) he’s 14, 2) he looks like an extra from 21 Jumpstreet…the TV show, and 3) there’s no way anyone who rides a skateboard and wears that much denim is going to be a good match for Emily. Well, the jury is still out on the first two, but I have to admit I was wrong about the third one. Jef was, as Emily purred, very cool. He was charming and confident, and he did it without even really appearing to try. Color me impressed.

Loser: Wolf. Wolf, Wolf, Wolf…what were you thinking, buddy? Did you expect Emily to say ‘oooh, that sounds sexy,’ or ask if you bite? I’m sure there’s an awesome story behind the name. It probably involves Vegas, and strippers, and coke, and being chased through the desert by a pack of wolves when you tried to bury the body. Hell, I’m getting excited just thinking about it. But there’s a time and a place, Wolf. And this wasn’t it. I guess the only thing I really wanna know is…team Edward or team Jacob? Definitely team Jacob, right?

Winner: Arie. She said she thought you’d look hot in a race car. You’re automatically safe through Week 5, at a minimum.

Loser: Travis. Come on, an egg? I raised an egg in 7^th grade. Did it die? Yes. Did it meet its end when I threw it at my science teacher’s house on a Friday night? I can neither confirm nor deny that information. The point is while I get what you were trying to do, it came across more as childish than capable. But on a positive note, I’m really excited to see what becomes of the egg. I bet a bijillion dollars someone gets drunk and cooks it. What will Travis tell Emily then? Ricki was delicious?

Winner: Stevie. Stevie gets the slipping through the cracks award. I can’t see anything that he did to deserve a rose, but hey…he lives to fight another day. I will say this for him, he’d have killed on our Jabawockeez date.

Loser: The dude who busted out the quote. He was so unmemorable that I honestly can’t remember his name, but the image of him getting down on one knee and proudly proclaiming that ‘life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away. Groannnnnnn. Look, I gave a girl a broken compass so I’m obviously okay with cheap gimmicks, but what was the thought process here: “hey, you’re cute…I’m gonna bust out a quote you probably had on a magnet in college.”

Winner: America. Everything I’ve seen since the premiere is Kalon is a douchenozzle. Kalon is an asshat. Kalon is a Belieber. These are of course all terrible things, and most likely true…but I think we may be missing the point. America should be thanking Kalon, because he’s going to make these first few weeks of this show watchable. See, the love story never really begins until week four or five when real connections start forming. Until then, we ‘d be lying to ourselves if we said we didn’t enjoy the pettiness and drama. And if there’s two things I feel confident Kalon brings to the table, it’s pettiness and drama.

There were others I liked, and cringed for. In the like column were Chris (the bobbleheads were a creative gift), Doug (who played the single parent card to perfection), Aaron (who looks like Haley Joel Osment and Cam from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off had a baby), and the South American wonder twins (aka keepers of the producers’ stash). 

In the cringe column were Randy and his grandmother, Brent's six kids and a nametag (this is the Bachelorette, not a damn PTA meeting!), Tony proclaiming himself Prince Charming, Michael’s shoulder length hair (get a haircut, hippy!), and Joe (i.e. Dawson Leary) screaming and having a small seizure when he saw Emily (in all fairness I probably would have too).

All in all, I’d say this season is shaping up to be a great one. The previews looked intense—a lot of dudes crying, Emily saying f#&k, and Ricki becoming the youngest reality tv star this side of Toddlers and Tiaras. I don’t know about you all, but I can’t wait!

Epilogue: I promise future blogs will be more timely…had a lot going on this week. Sorry!