Gingerbread Hookers

And we’re back! I know, I know, my blog is a little late; but the national championship game was this week, and my testicles demanded that I watch it. I hope you understand.

At the outset of the show the girls find out they’re headed to Ben’s hometown of Sonoma, California. Ben says he wants to give the girls a taste of what life there is really like, and see how they fit in. The camera then cuts to shots of the ladies flying to Sonoma, landing, and drinking wine in the back of CJ-5s as they are driven to their destination. Now, I’m no expert on the California legal system, but I’m pretty sure that’s a blatant violation of open container laws. But hey, on the bright side Jenna should be thrilled--if life in Sonoma involves bad decisions involving alcohol, she’ll fit right in.

Ben comments that he has great memories growing up in Sonoma with his family, and wonders what his late father would think of him now. I never knew Ben’s dad so I won’t speculate on what he’d say, but if my dad found out I was dating 25 beautiful women on an unlimited budget, he’d do two things:

1) Give me a high five.

2) GIVE ME ANOTHER FREAKING HIGH FIVE!

Anyway, upon arrival Ben immediately gives out the first date card of the week…to Kacie B. Kacie is definitely one of my top five. She’s sweet and unquestionably beautiful, with long brown hair, chestnut eyes and a great smile. Of course, it’s possible that I’m just a bit biased as she reminds me of a certain Italian girl I know, but whatever…I’m okay with that. 

FIRST ONE-ON-ONE: 

For Kacie’s date, Ben will be showing her around Sonoma, which prompts her to say that ‘she’s the luckiest girl in the world right now.’ This is of course false, since Blue Ivy Carter is the current holder of that title. Stripper name notwithstanding, her parents are worth three quarters of a billion dollars, and her babysitters will include the likes of Chris Martin, Gwyneth Paltrow and Rihanna. So, I’m sorry Kacie, but she wins.

(Side note: I bet when Blue Ivy was born, Kanye ran into someone else’s delivery room and said “your baby is great and all, but Beyonce just had the best baby of all time!”)

Anyway, Courtney (who I’m sure in reality is a very sweet girl, but just LOOKS bitchy) is hoping Kacie won’t come home from her date because ‘she annoys her.’ At first, this confused me, but then I remember that it actually has a strong basis in history--after all, the evil queen HATED Snow White.

Kacie’s date begins with a stroll around the town of Sonoma.  There was the attempted piano duet, which made me thankful talent segments aren’t a critical part of getting a rose. There were the ‘random’ people who ‘spontaneously’ decided to say hello, and there was the stroll through the local general store.  A couple of thoughts from their time in the store:

1. I thought Kacie’s question about how many licks it took to get to the center of the huge tootsie roll pop was cute, although I call BS on Ben’s answer of three. If his tongue was good enough to get to the middle of that thing in three licks, some girl would’ve snatched him up a LONG time ago.

2. Major cool points on picking out the Kasey…err, Kermit…lunchbox.

As they are leaving the general store, Kacie says she has something embarrassing to tell Ben. Nervously, she reveals that when she was younger…she twirled a baton. Whew…for a second I thought she was going to tell him about that time she and I took off all our clothes and…wait, why am I telling you this?

Ben gets some lessons in baton twirling, and subsequently remarks that most men wouldn’t do something like that for a woman. Really?? Here’s a short list of embarrassing things I’ve done for women:

1. Gone to the ballet.

2. Written poetry.

3. Written and performed a song in front of a crowd of people.

4. Gotten a pedicure.

5. GONE ON REALITY TELEVISION!

Soooo yeah, most guys WOULD do that for a woman. Hell, if the right girl busted out a baton I’d have put on a sparkly unitard and lit both ends on fire. But maybe that’s just me…

Moving right along, next up Ben and Kacie go to a quaint looking little restaurant for dinner. They talk about Ben’s father, and it’s sweet to see how happy he seems to be when re-living those memories. Overall, these two seem to have an easy connection and really enjoy each other’s company. I haven’t seen any real ‘spark’ yet, but Ben seems to be digging her nonetheless.

Back at the house, the group date card arrives. I went on two group dates during my stay on The Bachelorette, and I have mixed feelings about them. I think they afford you the opportunity to do some really fun things that you wouldn’t get to experience in a one-on-one setting, such as dancing with the Jabawockeez or renovating an orphanage, but at the same time you have a LOT less time to get to know the man or woman you’re trying to date. As a result, things end up getting a lot more competitive and much less intimate.

The women selected to go on the group date are Brittney, Rachel, Jennifer, Blakely, Jenna, Shawn, Monica, Samantha, Jamie, Nicki and Jaclyn. The date card reads “Come play with me--Ben.” I find myself thinking that sounds naughty, but that’s probably more an indicator of who I am than anything else.

Back at the one-on-one date, Kacie gets the rose. Obviously. If you ever had any doubt, subtract ten points from your score and go sit in the corner for an hour. Next, the two head to a local theater to watch old home movies. I halfway hoped Ben would try the old hole in the bottom of the popcorn trick, but then I remember this show is on ABC, not Cinemax. Sigh.

Watching three year old Kacie ham it up for the camera made me think of how I used to do the same thing when I was little. In my day, I did a mean Pee Wee Herman impression…only, you know, without the arrest for public masturbation. 

Seeing Ben get choked up about his dad was sad, as I know how hard losing a loved one can be. Even years later, sometimes it sneaks up on you and catches you when you least expect it. But  I thought he handled it really well, and sharing that experience with Kacie probably made them feel much closer to one another. Still, she should slow her roll a little--”I think I could have found a lifetime of love?” You’ve had one date, chica. Will Holman was on cloud nine after his first date too, and we all know how THAT ended up.

GROUP DATE TIME:

The next day, we find Ben in downtown Sonoma…wearing white jean shorts? Look, one of my favorite things about Ben is his unique sense of style. There were several times during our stay in the house together where I found myself commenting on how awesome his threads were, in large part because he isn’t afraid to go against the norm and do something different. The downside to this approach, however, is that sometimes you end up wearing things like bright orange tank tops or white jean shorts. 

Oh well…

When the girls arrive for the group date, the very first thing I notice is that Blakely is wearing a romper she appears to have purchased from Baby Gap. Blakely has made some questionable style choices thus far--her first night dress looked like a pastel circus tent, and my general outlook on rompers is that they’re never okay unless it’s 1953 and you’re asexual. But her enormous cleavage must be clouding my thought process, because this time I’m willing to give her a pass.

Blakely says there a lot of girls competing for Ben’s attention, so she wants to make sure he sees her. At least I think that’s what she said--I wasn’t really listening. And at least I think it was Blakely--I wasn’t really looking…at her face.

The ladies find out they’re going to be auditioning for and acting in a children’s play. Ben remarks that he wants to see how the girls are with kids. Next we see a bunch of auditions from people I didn’t even recognize, but there were only two that mattered anyway:

Nicki--she is looking for her prince charming, and makes a joke about finding him in the park while looking directly at Ben. It’s a pretty cute moment…until the kids ask her to show off her ‘sexy dance,’ at which point she decides to perform the sprinkler. I’m glad they didn’t ask for her non-sexy dance. 

Also, Nicki makes a comment about how it’s turning her on to see Ben around the kids. I’m pretty sure that’s NOT where your head is supposed to go around children. Just ask Jerry Sandusky.

Blakely--her audition consisted of jogging in slow motion and hopping around the stage like an ape. Think that had anything to do with her cleavage? Meanwhile, in their interviews the kids sum up the current consensus on Blakely pretty perfectly--the little girl made a derogatory comment about her boobs and said she didn’t like her, while the little boy sat there with his mouth open and stammered ‘she did…good.’

Next up it’s costume time:

-Jenna is dismayed that she’s been cast as a wizard in a beard. What I love about this is everyone knows Jenna is going to go off the deep end at some point; so with every little shove you’re on the edge of your seat wondering ‘is this it?? Is this where she goes all Britney Spears on someone?’ It’s pure entertainment.

-Blakely is cast as the gingerbread man, which is simultaneously the best and the worst decision of the day. It’s the best because she’s around children and her hoo-has shouldn’t be in everyone’s face like that, and it’s the worst because…well, you know.

-This situation did provide the best line of the episode though, when Samantha asked ‘what do you get when you cross a gingerbread man with a hooker?’ She says Blakely, although I’m still pretty sure the correct answer is Lindsay Lohan.

In comparison, the play itself was actually pretty standard. Generally, I find kids’ plays to be pretty excruciating. I should know; I forced my parents to attend several of them and they STILL talk about it. But I actually liked this one…everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves and really got into it.

Later, at the after-party, Ben asks Blakely where her style comes from. I’m pretty sure it’s the junior miss section at JC Penney, but she says she doesn’t know. Meanwhile, the other girls reallllly dislike her. In fact, Samantha dislikes Blakely so much that it sets off her IBS and she spends the next half an hour in the bathroom. Poor girl.

Back at the house the date card comes for the next day, and it goes to Courtney. Her reply to this is ‘winning!’ Courtney, you’re certainly a good looking girl, and you definitely have Ben’s attention…but not even Charlie Sheen says that anymore. Try harder, please.

(Side note: I did, however like it when she broke out the Miss Congeniality song: ‘he wants to kissssss me.’ Yes, I’ve seen Miss Congeniality…don’t judge.)

Returning to the group date, the girls are chicken fighting in the pool and even though Monica loses to Rachel, she still manages to get a brief boob grab out of it…which kinda calls into question your definition of losing. 

Jaclyn makes the remark that Blakely is super fakely, which rhymes. I find myself thinking that Jaclyn is super not-cute. That doesn’t rhyme, but it’s still true.

At the end of the night, Ben says he wants to give the group date rose to someone who really owned the day and night, and made the most of her time with him: Blakely. The girls are appalled, but this reminds me of a lyric from my favorite Bob Dylan song: “and the times they are a boooobiesssss.”

Second One-On-One

I’m not going to waste a lot of your time talking about Courtney’s date…let’s just say it went just like every other date a super hot girl has ever had with a nice guy: 

Super Hot Girl: “I never go for the nice guy; I always fall for the jerks…but I think it’s time I went for the nice guy. 

Nice Guy: Nodding head, mouth open, unable to believe this is actually happening.

Now, I’m not saying that Courtney wasn’t being genuine when she said she felt something for Ben. For all I know they had the same easy connection that Ben had with Kacie; only this time the spark of attraction was very evident whereas it wasn’t before. But for whatever reason the edit Courtney is being given makes her seem like she is only in this thing for herself. This is evidenced by her fawning all over the rose she is given, talking about how much she likes it and basically molesting it while barely making mention of Ben. Again, I hope for Ben’s sake that I’m wrong, because he seems to be all about her.

Cocktail Party:

The only real highlights of the cocktail party were as follows:

--Ben talked to Lindzi, who continues to come across as more and more down to earth and likable as time goes on. She talks about spending a lot of time outdoors, driving an F350, and being very unaccustomed to wearing makeup as most of the time ‘her makeup is dirt.’ I actually believe all this, since the 6 pounds of bronzer she is wearing suggest that at the very least she’s being honest about the last part. She’s in my top five for sure. 

--Blakely maintains that she doesn’t care what the other girls think and that she’s only there for Ben, which I can respect…except that when the girls eventually turn on her, she ends up crying in the luggage room. Just like I always say--’you show me a girl that says she doesn’t care what other girls think, and I’ll show you a girl who cries next to a suitcase.’

--Courtney, who all in all fairness is pretty freaking hilarious, comments on the in-house cattiness, saying (with a straight face) "it's like a war out there," before taking a long sip of wine.

--My buddy Justin happened to walk into the room during a scene when most of the girls were in the room together. His comment: ugly, ugly, ugly, eww, ugly, cute (Emily), hot (Nicki), ugly, and can you get me her number? (Lindzi).

Rose Ceremony Eliminations:

Shawn--we never really got to know much about her, which is sad because her introduction made her seem nice, but that happens every year. C’est la vie.

Jenna--she predictably had a full on meltdown at the cocktail party, and another one following her elimination, but it was so pathetic I didn’t even really feel right talking about it. I just hope her blog hits go up (theoveranalyst.net) and that she enjoys her time on Bachelor Pad 3 this summer.

So that's it for now. I'm a little bummed that Jenna's already gone, but it looks like next week we'll be treated with the return of a former cast member! Any predictions for who it could be? I'm excited! Anyway, until then dear readers...good night, and good luck. 

Bacon Makes Everything Better...Except First Impressions

Happy New Year, Bachelor Nation! I hope the holidays treated you all well, and that each and every one of you started off 2012 on the right foot. Or at the very least on a better foot than Jenna did…yikes.  Somewhere, Melissa Schrieber is mouthing a silent ‘thank you’ to whoever decided to cast that girl.

Anyway, I don’t know about you all, but I’m super excited to watch my buddy Ben Flajnik on his journey to find love. He really is a cool, down-to-earth guy; and he deserves every bit of happiness that he finds through this experience. So without further ado, let’s get right to it.

As always, the show begins with a little background on how Ben became the Bachelor--we get a quick replay of his proposal to Ashley Hebert along with her subsequent trampling of his heart, followed by the obligatory montage of Ben’s life since the Bachelorette. Heartbreak notwithstanding, Ben is still very happy he decided to come on the show--it gave him clarity, opened his heart to finding love again, and bestowed him with the confidence to wear heinous orange tank tops. It presumably also helped his wine business (do yourself a favor and order the Sav Blanc; it’s delightful--http://www.envolvewinery.com/) and, if rumors are to be believed, landed him a date with Jennifer Love Hewitt. But that’s neither here nor there…the point is, Ben is now whole and healed, and he’s ready to find love again. 

Next we get to see the intro packages for some of the ladies ABC has assembled to vie for Ben’s affections. Here are the ones that made an impression on me.

First up is Lindzi C., 27--she has sandy blonde hair, a gorgeous smile, and great dimples. She works in sales and loves riding horses, so right away you know she’s personable and is comfortable with big things between her legs. She tells the story of how her last relationship ended with her being dumped via text, and holds her phone up to the camera: “Babe, welcome to dumpsville, population YOU.” For her sake, someone should probably tell Lindzi that dating 7th graders is illegal.

Next is Amber T, 28--her intro shows that she’s good with guns and crossbows, which immediately makes her more manly than 60% of American males. Still, she definitely has the hot farmgirl thing going on…until she starts talking about eating cow balls.  NEXT!

Kacie B, 24--she thinks she and Ben will get along because they’re both goofy. She seems sweet enough, but then she busts out the dreaded sun heart. Somewhere, Ryan Park just went from six to midnight.

Jamie, 25--had an absentee father and a mom with dependency issues. She was awarded custody of her siblings at a young age and raised them all in a single-wide trailer while working as a nurse. Wait, are we sure she Jamie wasn’t supposed to be on Chris Harrison’s other show, You Deserve It? 

Lyndsie J, 29--a goofball with a British accent who vaguely resembles Big Bird. Oh, and her name is painted on her car. That’s really all you need to know.

Jenna, 27--a freelance writer (read: unemployed) who blogs (theoveranalyst.net) about relationships while living in New York City. Jenna, darling, I hate to break it to you, but you’re about a decade too late for that schtick. Let’s hope you’ve got a day job. 

Nicki, 26--a cute brunette with a mischievous smile and a bubbly personality. She got married at 21, but the relationship fizzled and the marriage ultimately failed. Now she’s back and ready to find love. I don’t know why, but I LOVE this girl. Definitely an early favorite.

After the intros, we cut back to Ben, who’s getting ready to meet his ladies. He’s looking sharp in a well-tailored suit and skinny tie, and thankfully his hair has grown back out from where he had it cut at the end of the Bachelorette. He tells Chris Harrison that he’s nervous, but ready to begin his journey. And with that, the first limo arrives.

Here are the Limo Exits that caught my attention--

Rachel, 27--an attractive blonde in a stunning red dress. She does have a bit of the Jewel snaggletooth thing going on, which I find endearing, but Ben seems to be staring at it. Good thing there are like 19 dental hygienists on this show.

 Erika, 23--a law student in a bad prom dress who tells Ben that he’s guilty…of being sexy. Gag. 

Amber Bacon, 23--a Canadian who makes the mistake of telling Ben that her friends call her the Baconator…because that’s what you want to tell a man you’re hoping will fall in love with you--that your friends associate you with a giant, fatty hamburger.

Jenna--Oh Jenna…Jenna, Jenna, Jenna…someone clearly had a cocktail or two in the limo ride over, didn’t they? Her introduction to Ben consists of no less than three awkward silences, six ‘yeahs,’ and a serious case of crazy eyes. This night will not end well for her.

On the opposite end of the spectrum is Courtney, a model who confidently struts up to Ben saying ‘Hey cutie pie, come here often?’ I don’t know how she manages to take such a cheesy line and make it sexy, but boy does she. I have to admit, I’m a fan…and so is Ben, apparently, who coos ‘THAT is pretty girllll’ as she sashays away from him.

Emily, 27--a PhD student who’s studying to be an epidemiologist, and is apparently also a bit of a germophobe. She sanitizes Ben’s hands, sprays half his face with Binaca, and then steals the first kiss of the season. Her entrance was a little geeky, but cute. I like her.

Holly, 34--got out of the limo wearing a giant hat that covers most of her face. My initial thought was ‘what is she hiding?’ My second thought was ‘well, if things don’t work out with Ben, ABC can always set her up with the Mask.’

Shira, age undisclosed--Shira’s entrance was pretty standard, but I found it strange that no age was given for her. What’s up with that? Is she a vampire? Aging backwards? A sentient robot? Wait, she’s kind of young looking…is this a sting? WHERE’S CHRIS HANSEN??

Just as I find myself thinking this is going to be just like any other season of the Bachelor, out of the limo steps 72 year old Sheryl, complete with crutches, a walking boot, and a SERIOUS crush on Ben. Suddenly I’m happily picturing incredibly slow strolls along the beach, a hometown date at the Sunnydale Retirement Community and a night in the fantasy suite that no one dares to film. Unfortunately, Sheryl is actually there to introduce her granddaughter, Brittney, so my dreams are for naught. Still, it’s a pretty cute intro.

Lyndsie makes fun of her butt chin, Anna doesn’t even stop to talk, and Shawn slugs him on the arm. 

Last, but certainly not least, comes Lindzi clip-clopping up on her horse, Levi, and looking very sexy in all black with a black riding hat. Ben helps her down, noting that he’s never dismounted anyone before. There’s a joke to be made here, but it’s just too easy. As she walks in, Ben is heard saying ‘well, save the best for last I suppose,’ and I find myself nodding in agreement.

Inside, the claws are already coming out. Some of the girls are mad because they think Brittney got a leg up by bringing her grandmother; others are freaking out because Lindzi arrived on a horse. Ladies, the intros are over…just because another girl’s put them in a better light than yours did should not cause you to go into bitch mode. The only thing you should be focusing on is making the most of your time with Ben. Period. Now play nice.

The girls start getting their one on one time with Ben, and for the most part it’s pretty standard. He seems to hit it off with Nicki and Lindzi, which makes me happy because these are two of my favorites thus far. Ben meets with Brittney and Sheryl together, and while this is cute, it could end up backfiring on Brittney because Sheryl seems to be making more of an impression than her granddaughter is.

Holly makes Ben wear her atrocious hat, Shawn busts out a soccer ball, and Dianna force feeds him hot tamales and sour patch kids while he wears a blind fold. I’m not sure who these girls think they’re trying to impress, but I don’t think it’s working.

Emily the epidemiologist shows us her gangster side when she busts out a surprisingly coherent and well-done rap about love as a disease. Ok, Emily, you’ve officially earned my vote (and presumably Ben’s as well, given his own history with rap--http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWt_DifczOM)

Courtney talks about how she works really hard. As a model. Yes, you read that right. But Ben thinks she’s pretty so all he hears is Dreeeeaaaaammmweaver, I believe you can get me through the niiiiiiight.

Back inside, Jenna is coming completely unhinged. She asks Monica if she feels anything for Ben, and Monica truthfully answers that she doesn’t. After all, she’s only spoken with him for about 20 seconds. But this isn’t good enough for Jenna, who at this point has clearly had way too much to drink, and she Freaks. The f%&k. Out. 

(Side Note: What a lot of people don’t realize is that these first night cocktail parties are REALLY long. Think about it, there are 25 girls--everyone has to do their initial introduction out of the limo, then Ben has to address them as a group, then they each get about ten minutes of one on one time with him, then Ben has to deliberate, and THEN comes the rose ceremony. So it’s important to pace yourself, or you could end up getting a bit too schnockered and embarrassing yourself on national television).

While Jenna proceeds to lose her ever-lovin’ mind, Monica decides that if she can’t find love with Ben, she’s just going to have to find it somewhere else…like with fellow female contestant Blakely. 

Wait, what? 

Suddenly I feel like Lloyd talking to Harry in Dumb and Dumber--’just when I thought this show couldn’t surprise me anymore, they go and do something to COMPLETELY REDEEM THEMSELVES.’

Later, Rachel tries to restore the peace between crazy eyes Jenna and Monica the Lesbifriend. Since both are hammered, nothing productive comes of this exchange except the following line: “Oh, you’re a girl? Maybe we can share a tampon sometime.” I have no idea what that means, but in all fairness it might be the best line in Bachelor history.

Ben steals Lindzi away to give her the first impression rose, and while I’m pleased with his choice I find myself wondering why on earth she spells her name Lindzi. Of course, I’m named after a direction, so it’s probably best not to judge.

Rose ceremony:

There weren’t many surprises in the rose ceremony. I might have kept Amber the farmgirl over Erika the law student, but other than that I really wouldn’t have changed anything.  And say what you want about keeping crazy Jenna or lesbian Monica around, but who would you have kept over either of them? Overall, I think Ben made some pretty good choices.

The promos for the rest of the season are off the chaiiiiiiiiiiin. Skinny dipping, cattiness, Courtney channeling her inner Michelle Money, more Jenna craziness, lots of gratuitous making out, and the return of a past cast member??  Next Monday can’t get here soon enough!

Ben the Bachelor--My Juvenile, Completely Uninformed Predictions For The Upcoming Season

Oh. My. God. Is it January yet?? Don’t get me wrong, I love the holidays…I love my grandma’s overcooked turkey, my crazy aunt and her penchant for prescription medication, I even love my mom’s obsession with family photos taken in matching pajamas. But if I have to dodge one more last minute shopper at the mall or listen to one more crappy pop rendition of Joy to the World (I’m looking at you, Bieber), I will honest to God lose my mind.

Thankfully though, the new year is just around the corner. And with it comes the hope of new beginnings, a chance to build on the successes of the year gone by and right the wrongs of previous mistakes. Maybe this is the year we finally get that promotion, or the girl we’ve been chasing. Maybe THIS is the year we all band together and tell Nickelback we’ve had enough. It’s a fresh start; anything can happen.

But you know what I’m MOST excited about in the coming months? That’s right, folks…the Bachelor is back. I won’t lie--I probably would’ve been watching anyway. What can I say? I’m a sap for stuff like that. But I’m especially excited this time around because I consider Ben Flajnik a good friend of mine. He’s a great guy, and I’m eager to watch him on his journey to find love.

Of course, just because I’m happy for him doesn’t mean I can’t have some fun with it along the way, right? Right. So I decided to make some predictions about the upcoming season. I watched some promos, took some notes, and then threw ‘em all out. Because let’s be honest, I was gonna make most of this stuff up anyway.

So without further ado--here they are:

1. The girls won't eat nearly as much protein as we did. On the upside, this means the bathrooms will almost certainly smell better. 

2. The girls probably won't play beer pong either. (8-0 baby!)

3. They will, however, go to the bathroom together more often than we did. But only by a little.

4. Every girl will cry at least once. And it won't be Will Holman's fault.

5. Ben will use more inflection in his voice in one episode the Brad did in two seasons.

6. The girl who arrives on the horse will go far. You can thank Ben's subconscious for that one.

7. The girl who convinces Ben to go skinny dipping will also go far. What? A bit of a wild streak is sexy…that's just science.

8. It will turn out that the friendly elderly lady who shows up at the house actually thought she was being taken to the Price is Right. 

9. The girl in the hat expected it to be sunnier.

10. There will be at least one model and one actress on the show. Both will be in it to find love. The nurses, though…they just want to promote their career.

11. The Mask will show up unexpectedly, and Ben will give him a rose. Just because, you know, that's a lot of estrogen for one guy to handle by himself.

12. Closing down a street in San Fransisco to make a ski slope will actually help the state economy. Mainly because at this point, how much worse could it get?

13. Ben will be a better cook than 2/3 of the ladies. It's true…dude's got skills.

14. The phrase for the right reasons will be used 143 times…in the first ten minutes.

15. Someone will get drunk and make a fool out of herself. She will subsequently be introduced to my friend Tim McCormack and they will totally hit it off. At least they think they hit it off…they can't really remember.

16. A contestant from a previous season will make a surprising return to the house hoping to find love with Ben. Most people think it's Shawntel, or Britt, or someone like that. I think it's Brad.

17. There will be rolling blackouts in Los Angeles because too many girls used their hairdryers at once.

18. One of the trips will be to Turkey. One contestant will withdraw from the competition because she is allergic to poultry.

19. Chris Harrison will not make eye contact with any of the contestants. This is for their own good, as staring directly into those baby blues has been scientifically proven to get 100% of women and 5% of men pregnant. 

20. And finally, over the course of filming, Ben will get seven massages, three head rubs, and a happy ending. (Get your mind out of the gutter people, I meant he's going to fall in love and get married…duh)

So that's it. I don't know about you all, but I'm really excited. Just 5 more days! I can practically smell the pheromones from here...

My First Blog About Firsts...

There are a lot of things I miss about being a kid. Recess, for one. Nap time. Saturday morning cartoons, and summers at my grandfather’s house. But I think the thing I miss most is the feeling that my whole life was ahead of me. Every experience was a first, and life seemed so infinite that I thought I might never run out of new things to see, feel and do.

There was my first snowfall--my mom and I were living in a single-wide trailer at the time, and I can remember looking out the window at the field in front of our home, blanketed by a foot and a half of fresh powder.  I wanted to go out and play in it, so she bundled me up and sent the dog and I on our way. Unfortunately, I was only about 3 feet tall at the time, so the snow came up to my waist. I took one step off the front stoop and promptly got stuck.

There was my first kiss--her name was April McCuen, and I met her at church camp. I remember at service one afternoon, I knelt next to one kid with Leukemia and another who’d just lost his parents and said ‘God, if you answer just one prayer today, let it be mine…let April kiss me before the end of the week.’ Funnily enough, it worked. On the last day of camp, her mom’s station wagon pulled up alongside me, and the passenger window rolled down. 

“Come here,” she said. 

Unsuspecting, I leaned in. She grabbed my face and planted a big wet one right on my lips. Unfortunately, in the seconds preceding, I’d stuffed three fourths of a bag of salt and vinegar chips in my mouth. The shock of the unexpected smooch caused me to stumble backwards and exhale at the same time, spraying her face with a thin layer of wet crumbs. Horrified, she rolled up her window and the car sped away. I spent the whole year hoping I’d have a chance to explain, but by the time next summer rolled around, she was pregnant. At 13.

Oh well, guess I dodged that bullet.

There was even the first time I broke up with someone on the spot--it was the girl I dated right after high school. We were out to eat one night, and just as I put a hot wing covered in bleu cheese into my mouth, she pointed at the bleu cheese and said: 

“I had a yeast infection one time that looked exactly like that.”

I was mortified. I looked down at the bleu cheese, then back at her, then back at the bleu cheese, and then back at her.  In that moment, all I could think to say was:

“Yeahhh, I don’t think this is gonna work.”

I took her home, and never saw her again. And I didn’t eat bleu cheese for over a decade.

OK, so maybe they weren’t always good firsts…but they were new experiences and, to me, that’s a central part of life: growth; evolution; becoming a more complete version of yourself through unique and unprecedented exploits. 

So you can understand why I was a little depressed a couple of weeks ago when I turned 31. It wasn’t so much the number that had me down; I just felt like I was running out of firsts. I’d already been to Europe and gotten married; I passed the Bar Exam and won my first case; I’ve acted in a movie, been on TV, sang in a band and gotten VD….oh wait, nevermind; I haven’t done that last one. 

Yet.

The point is, I suddenly started feeling like more of my life was behind me than ahead, and that was a truly frightening feeling. It stuck with me for days. I had trouble eating, trouble sleeping, trouble getting motivated to do even the simplest of things, like shave.

Fortunately, facial hair looks pretty good on me…so no harm done there.

Of course, eventually my rational side caught up to my irrational side (I like to call her Sheila), and I realized that I still have plenty of new experiences to partake in before I can consider myself officially over the hill. But just in case I ever start to feel like I’m running out of firsts again, I decided to make myself a little list of things that I still have yet to do. It helped me feel better about getting older….who knows, maybe it’ll help you too:

1. Get a piece of my writing published.

2. Become a father.

3. Run a marathon.

4. Travel to every continent (3 down, 4 to go).

5. Take a cruise.

6. Donate a kidney (selling it on the black market would be acceptable too).

7. Build a home (burning said home down for the insurance money optional).

8. Attend the Super Bowl, Olympics and World Cup.

9. Skydive.

10. Get in a heated argument at dinner where my date throws her wine on me.

11. Swim with dolphins.

12. Climb a mountain.

13. Learn to like fruits and vegetables (so far I’ve got most green veggies down, but that’s about it).

14. Spend the night in a haunted house--by myself.

15. Experience weightlessness.

16. Drive as fast as I can on the Autobahn.

17. Run for office.

18. Get caught in a sex scandal while running for said office.

19. Make a hole-in-one.

20. Catch a foul ball or homerun at a baseball game.

21. Build a giant sandcastle (and sleep in it, weather permitting).

22. Join the mile-high club.

23. Anonymously make someone’s dreams come true.

24. Be a mentor.

And my personal favorite:

25. Get banned from Applebees.

It’s not a complete list--I’m sure I’ll add to it as time goes on. And hopefully, I’ll take some stuff off of it too. But just having it makes me feel better, because it reminds me that no matter old you get or how many experiences you have, there’s still a lifetime’s worth of living to do. And that’s a beautiful thing.

Last Train To Tarragona

I’ve always loved rom coms. I don’t know why--they’re formulaic (couple gets together, something happens to break them up, they get back together, the end), they’re unoriginal (how many Odd Couple Bromances and Quirky Girl Can’t Figure Out What She Wants movies can we make, anyway?), and they’re unrealistic (name one person you know that married a vampire).

Still…I love ‘em. I think I love them in part because they’re unrealistic. I mean, I know I probably won’t meet the love of my life while crashing her sister’s wedding, or on the morning train to Montauk. I probably won’t proclaim my love at exactly midnight on New Years Eve, telling her ‘when you know who you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible!’ And I probably won’t die, my hand in hers, mere moments after she passes away. That stuff probably won’t happen.

But I’d like to believe it could. 

I think, if you’re really lucky, the universe offers glimpses of fairy tale romance from time to time. And if you happen to be in the right place when the all the pieces come together, you can experience something life affirming and, to be trite, truly magical.  

I had one of these moments around a decade ago. I was having a hard time getting over an ex-girlfriend and, in a bout of youthful melodrama, impetuously ran away to Europe hoping to get over her. 

Oddly enough, it worked.

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LAST TRAIN TO TARRAGONA

As the sun rose on the last day of our travels, I was sitting on the balcony of my uncle’s flat in Paris’s Latin Quarter, smoking a cigarette and watching the grocers put out fresh produce across the street. Will had passed out on the couch hours ago, a half-empty bottle of champagne still in his hand.  I needed rest too, but not yet…I liked Paris best in the early morning. Watching people do ordinary things like preparing their shops for the day, getting children off to school, or even watering plants--these were the things I knew I’d miss. 

My thoughts began to wander. 30 days ago, we’d landed at De Gaulle airport, half drunk and bleary eyed from a 10 hour flight. Two American college kids with a Eurrail pass and time to kill…the world was ours to discover. We slept most of the first day, but it seemed like we hadn’t slept since.

How many times over the past month had I seen the sun rise? In how many cities? During our first stay in Paris, I’d watched it from a bench in Montmarte, accompanied by Will, our driver, Gorge, and a French socialite Gorge had managed to convince that I invented Google. 

I saw it from a hostel in Munich, eating french fries with a Dutch girl named Katja. She was the only graffiti artist I ever slept with. 

In Florence, I was riding a bus with a dreadlocked hippy girl by the name of Rose. Or Sunshine. Or Rainbow. Or something stupid like that. 

All those dawns, all those women, and more…had I learned anything?

Inevitably, my thoughts turned back to her. A thousand miles, several countries, and a drunken blur of a month later, and I still couldn’t go more than a few minutes without thinking of her. It was almost 1 a.m. in the states…she was probably sleeping.  But what if she was out with another guy? Worse, what if she was in bed with another guy? The hypocrisy of caring who she slept with while I was fornicating my way through an entire continent was clear to me…but it changed nothing.

I put out my cigarette and lit another. A thin layer of clouds crept across the sky, and a light rain began to fall. The shop owners below scurried about, rolling out awnings and covering their merchandise. About that time Will joined me on the balcony.

“Been to sleep?” he asked.

“Not yet,” I replied. “Didn’t wanna miss the last sunrise.”

“I’m sure the rises in Spain, too.”

“You know what I mean.”

We sat in silence for a few minutes, me taking long drags from my cigarette and Will alternately stretching and scratching his crotch. Finally, he broke the silence.

“What time did Gorge leave?”

“Not too long after you passed out. Maybe half an hour.”

“And Marit?”

“Gorge took her home.”

“Really? I would’ve thought you’d want to get laid one more time.”

“Eh, wasn’t in the mood.”

“Dana?”

“Yeah.”

He considered for a moment, then replied “no worries…I’m sure things will be better once we get settled in Tarragona.”

“I hope so.”

We were quiet again. The rain was falling harder now, so Will got up and went inside. I stamped out my cigarette and followed him in. Gorge would be back later to take us to the train station, and I still needed to sleep. I walked into my room and fell face first on the bed. As I drifted off, I found myself praying for the first time in a long while. 

Dear God, I know I don’t deserve your help. But I’m hurting pretty bad right now. If you could just give me a sign--some reason to keep believing--I’d really appreciate it.

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By the time I awoke, it was dark out. I took a shower, got packed, and met Will in the living room.

“Did you hear from Gorge?” I asked.

“Yeah, he’ll be here shortly,” he answered, adding “I guess his wife is pretty pissed at him.”

“Did he say that? Why?”

“Apparently she has a problem with him repeatedly staying out all night with two college kids.”

“But…that’s his job. He’s a driver.”

“His job is to drive. Not go to clubs with us, drink with us, and help you convince girls you invented the internet.”

“It was Google, and that was his idea.”

“Whatever.”

“Hmmm…well damn, now I feel bad.”

“Ha, like you’re capable of feeling bad.”

Will’s comment stung. The truth was I felt bad all the time. Every girl I’d slept with and didn’t call, every person I’d been rude to…I didn’t like the person I’d turned into since the breakup. But I didn’t know how to get back to the old me. 

A while later, the buzzer rang; it was Gorge. We grabbed our bags, shut out the lights and locked the door one last time. In a couple of hours we would be on a train bound for the port city of Tarragona, Spain, where we would live and study for the next several months. It was the start of a new chapter. I hoped it would be a good one.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We arrived at the train station with an hour to spare. Fortunately, it was late in the day and there weren’t many people at the station, so we were able to get our tickets and find our platform about fifteen minutes ahead of our scheduled departure time. 

There was just one problem…even though there was a train waiting there, the monitor overhead said it was the train scheduled to leave before ours. At that time, it wasn’t unusual for the trains in Europe to be running behind, so we assumed there was just some sort of delay and sat down on a nearby bench.

Soon enough, the train departed. We sat expectantly, waiting for our train to appear behind it, but it never came. After twenty minutes or so I walked over to the ticketing booth.

“Excuse me,” I said, “we’re waiting on the train to Tarragona. Is it running late?”

The employee stared at me with a confused expression. I thought maybe he didn’t understand me, so I began to repeat myself.

“We’re waiting on the train to Tarr--”

“I know what you said,” he interrupted, “but this train…it just left. You were sitting right there, didn’t you see it?”

“Wait, that train was going to Tarragona? The monitor said it was going to Germany!”

“Ah…I’m sorry, this was a, how you say, mistake?”

I was furious…I could feel my face turning bright red.

“OK,” I began, “let me get this straight. A little while ago I picked up a ticket from you TO TARRAGONA, yes?”

“Yes.”

“And then I sat down on that bench over there, right? Where you could clearly see me?”

“Yes.”

“And that train…even though the monitor said Germany, you knew it was going to Spain, right?”

“Yes.”

“THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU LET ME WATCH IT LEAVE?”

He didn’t answer. Suddenly, something else dawned on me.

“That was the last train of the day, wasn’t it?”

“Yes.”

And there it was…we were stuck in Paris for another night. It wouldn’t have been a big deal, except our Eurrail passes expired that day, meaning we would most likely have to buy another ticket if we ever wanted to reach our final destination.  Defeated, I turned around and walked back over to Will. I relayed the story to him, and asked him to take care of securing our tickets for the next day, saying “if I have to hear that bastard say yes one more time I swear to God I’ll wring his neck.” 

Fortunately, Will has always been a very calm, reasonable person, and he was able to get our tickets for free.  My spirits somewhat uplifted, we decided to get a taxi back to my uncle’s flat, and started the trek back out of the vast wasteland that was the Gare du Nord train station at night...

…but we went the wrong way.

By the time we realized our mistake, we’d gone a half mile in the wrong direction, and were at the completely wrong end of the terminal. It was so late, there wasn’t a soul around that we could see…no taxis either, since they parked in the main entrance. I was overcome with the uncontrollable urge to laugh, and started cackling like a madman. I was officially losing my mind.

Suddenly, there was a tap on my shoulder. I winced at my surprise.

“Parlez-vous France?”

Her eyes were puffy from crying, her cheeks stained with mascara…but she was beautiful all the same, long blonde hair flowing past her shoulders, blue eyes and thick, supple lips. Then I noticed what she was wearing…an Arkansas Razorbacks hoodie. She was an American, and a southern one at that.

Still, I was pissed off and in no mood to waste any more time, so I got straight to the point.

“In ENGLISH, please.”

If she was offended by my rudeness, it didn’t show. A look of relief washed over her expression, and her frown turned quickly into a brilliant smile.

“You’re…American?” she asked.

“Well, aren’t you?” I replied.

"Yes, but….oh, nevermind. You have no idea how happy I am to see you."

"Why’s that?" Will asked.

"Because we’ve been stuck all alone in this dreadful place. Of course, we don’t speak French so even if there had been people it wouldn’t have mattered much."

"We?"

She turned around to point out a small girl almost hiding in a distant corner. "That’s Anna. She’s kind of shy so she wouldn’t come, but at this point, I was willing to try anything."

"What do you mean?"

"We’ve been stuck here for three hours. We’re on our way to Rome, and we were only supposed to have a stopover in Paris to change trains but there’s some sort of labor strike and they won’t be running any more until sometime tomorrow."

"So why didn’t you get a taxi to a hotel and rent a room for the night?" I asked.

"Well, we don’t really have any money, and like I said we don’t speak French. Look, I’m sorry to bother you; its obvious you’re in a bad mood. I was just wondering if you could tell us where we might go, a coffee shop that stays open all night, something like that…that’s all."

She looked hurt, like she was let down by someone who was supposed to understand. "They will surely help us," she must have said to her friend when she saw us coming closer. I wondered what she would say if I sent her back empty-handed.

"No, I’m sorry. We missed our train too, so I know how you feel. I’m just a little upset because I’m pretty sure it was our own fault. But that doesn’t give me any right to take it out on you. What’s your name?"

"Amanda," she smiled, "and yours?"

“West.”
  
I invited them to go back and stay the night at my uncle’s place with us. We all agreed that it would be easiest for us to make it back to the station if we were together, so they came. She went on tell us that she was a Sophomore at the University of Arkansas studying in Reading, England for the semester. Will commented on how good it was to be around southern girls again, and that he was getting tired of being surrounded by such shallow people all the time. I gave him a wry smile, knowing he was referring to me. 

As the night wore on, we talked about love, and football, music and movies. We shared stories, and passed around champagne, all of us drinking straight from the bottle. Eventually Anna and Will settled in to watch Casablanca, leaving Amanda and I on the balcony where I’d started the day. 

She was telling me about how, after college, she wanted to move to Nashville and be a country music singer. After a considerable amount of goading and a few more sips of champagne, I convinced her to sing for me. I can’t remember the name of the song, but it was something by the Corrs, and it was so hauntingly beautiful that I couldn’t speak for several moments after she was done. 

We talked carelessly through those midnight hours, the conversation never growing stale. Eventually the sun began to rise, and I couldn’t help but laugh. 

“What’s so funny?” she asked. 

“I sat out here this morning, sad because it was going to be my last sunrise in Paris. But I guess you never know, do you?”

“Nope.” She smiled.

I walked inside to get one last bottle of champagne. Will and Anna had been dozing on the couch, but he woke up as I passed him, uttering a groggy “So…are you in love?””

"Not in love Will, just thankful."

"Thankful for what?"

Behind us a song came on--I Won’t Dance, Sinatra. I looked over my shoulder and saw Amanda, closing the top of the record player. I turned back to  Will and smiled, then jumped back to my course, dancingly vibrantly towards the kitchen.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  
Not too long after that, we found ourselves waiting for another car to take us back to the station where it all began.

Amanda leaned her head on my shoulder and whispered, "You’re an angel, do you know that? Last night we prayed that someone would come along and rescue us. Anyone would have been okay, but it was you. You didn’t have to miss your train, it happened for a reason."

I was blushing.

"You’re an angel,” she repeated. “God sent you to answer our prayers."

I thought for a moment before answering her. "Well, I’m the least likely candidate for that job." I looked at the ground, and then back to her. "But thanks."

And with that, she kissed me.

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Post-Script:

I don’t know where I stand on religion, or God, or anything like that. At this point, all I know is that I don’t know. But I know this: I was going through a difficult time in my life, and prayed for a reason to keep believing. She was in a tough spot, and prayed for help. Then, through a series of freak occurrences involving a malfunctioning computer screen, a lazy train station employee, and my own terrible sense of direction, we were brought together on a cold night in a train station in Paris. If that’s not reason to believe in something, be it God, fate, the universe, whatever, I don’t know what is.

Amanda and I dated for about three months after that. It was my first, and only, intercontinental relationship. We told the tale of our meeting countless times, and everyone agreed that it was a great story, just like something you might see in a romantic comedy. 

But life isn’t a rom com, and we eventually broke up. Not for any particular reason, we just weren’t meant to be. And that’s when I learned that not all great stories end well…some of them just end. It’s hard to accept, and that’s probably why it very rarely happens in the movies, but it’s a fact of life nonetheless. I guess at the end of the day, you just have to appreciate those fairy tale moments for what they are…a fleeting glimpse of something truly beautiful. You cherish the experiences  they give you, learn from the lessons they teach, and keep searching for your happily ever after.