Catfight!!!

Well folks, we’ve officially arrived at the Women Tell All episode, the yearly catfight ABC rewards us with for watching 10 weeks of The Bachelor. Granted I haven’t seen very many of these, but this one definitely delivered. Since there wasn’t much in the way of plot in this episode, I’ll stay true to the catfight theme and pick out a few winners and losers from the fracas.

Winner: Britnee owned up to not being attracted to Ben, and left on her own accord to give more time to those who actually felt something for him. She was both honest and respectable. I’d like to say I would have done the same; but who knows? I was a little disappointed that her grandmother Sheryl didn’t come out to play, but perhaps our love is best left to my imagination.

Loser: Samantha. She’s gorgeous, but good lord that girl wouldn’t shut up. Thankfully Britnee (win #2!) put her in her place. I bet every time Samantha sees a chihuahua for the rest of her life, she’ll have to fight the urge to kick it. 

Winner: Emily. She was insightful, well-spoken, and looked HOT in that dress. My only complaint is that the lack of straps made me waste my precious few remaining brain cells wondering how much double-sided tape she used to keep her boobs from falling out. Which actually brings me to…

Winner: Every husband and/or boyfriend who was forced to watch this episode by his woman thanks you, Emily. Your wit and intellect made it all worthwhile. What? That’s what I’d name them if they were mine. Or maybe The Captain and Tennille. I don’t know; it’s a toss-up.

Loser: Jenna. Poor chick went all Girl, Interrupted in front of America and she barely got 10 seconds of air time at the WTA. Maybe if it was called WTF, they’d have focused on her a little more.

Winner: Shawntel. She was beautiful and classy, as always, and received some much deserved apologies from the girls who treated her so rudely. You can embalm my cold, lifeless body anytime, chica. 

Hmm, that sounded much sexier in my head.

Loser: Jamie. She told Ben if things didn’t work out with whoever he picked she would totally get fancy with him again, whereupon his penis promptly crawled up into his body cavity.

Winner: Elyse’s tanning salon. Good lord.

Loser: Me, for not going to that reunion. Looks like I missed my chance to be on Bachelor Pad 3. 

Winner: Kacie B. She didn’t say or do anything particularly noteworthy, but she’s beautiful, sweet and seems very down-to-earth, so she’s always a winner in my book. I hear she’s a Vols fan, but she got the color orange right at least (Go Tigers!), so she gets a pass.  Ditto for Nicki (except for the Vols part).

Loser: Anyone trying to figure out if Courtney’s a decent person or not. Do you take her for who she is around Ben--sweet, goofy and funny? Or do you take her for who she was around the other ladies--cruel, vindictive and snide? Do you trust her apology and her tears of remorse at the WTA, or do you assume her acting coach and agent have been working some overtime the past several weeks? I’m lost…I really am.

Winner: Jennifer. She didn’t really stand out to me as much as some of the other girls during the season, but boy did she look stunning last night. Hellooooo, nurse accountant!

So that’s it. Wow, I actually wrote a short blog for once. I’m so proud of myself I could cry. If only I could find the right acting coach...

Are We There Yet?

Every year when I was a kid, I would leave the burgeoning metropolis (cough, cough) of Columbia, South Carolina, and return to my hometown of Walhalla to spend the summer with my grandfather. At the time, I thought it was my reward for getting through the school year--I got to spend June through August on the farm doing manly things like peeing off the front porch and drinking RC straight from the bottle. Of course, it occurs to me now that it might have also had something to do with my single mom wanting some time to herself to act like a normal girl in her mid-twenties. 

Anyway…

I was always so excited to go back to my hometown. Days at the city pool, nights catching fireflies, doing absolutely EVERYTHING with no shoes on. What’s not to love? But an hour into the car ride up there, I was also impatient. “Are we there, yet?” was my refrain, said so many times over the years that the mere mention of the words could probably give several of my relatives PTSD.

I tell you all this for two reasons: 1) It’s kind of where I’m at with this show, now in it’s 8th week. Are we there yet? Don’t get me wrong--I’ve had a pretty good time. We trekked through crazy valley, hiked the scandalous peaks, and waded through the dreaded river of bitchiness…all really fun places to visit. But I’ve reached a point where I’m bored with all that and ready to board the final train in hopes of reaching a happy ending.  Thankfully, we’re getting close. And 2) this week brought us the hometown dates. And I’m sure I wasn’t the only person anxiously waiting to find out what sort of family wrought Courtney upon the world.

Vulnerable Is A Big Word For Me (and don’t even get me started on Onomatopoeia) 

Our first stop takes us to Ocala, Florida, where our Bachelor finds the beautiful Lindzi atop a majestic steed named Devon. Hmm, that actually kind of sounds like the beginning of one of Zalman’s Red Shoe Diaries when you think about it. David Duchovny wouldn’t be a bad choice to play Ben, either. But I digress. 

After they exchange pleasantries, Lindzi informs Ben that horses have been a part of her life since before she was born. Wait, what? The only thing that’s been a part of my life since before I was born is mooching off my parents. I robbed my mom of all her nutrients from the womb, and over the next couple of decades I upgraded my thievery to free lodging, an education, and several thousand dollars in credit card charges. Hell, I STILL hit them up for a free meal every now and then (I can’t cook. It’s sad).

The happy couple goes on to have a conversation about tearing down walls, and just when I’m starting to have flashbacks of 1989, Lindzi drops this bomb: “Vulnerable is a big word for me.” I’ve often (only half-jokingly) said that I tend to lose interest when people use words larger than three syllables, so I can’t really say much here. But I’m guessing Lindzi isn’t much of a sesquipedalian.

The two hook Devon up to a carriage and begin making their way back to Lindzi’s parents’ place. Initially Ben takes the lead, but when the horse starts trotting in circles, she demands that Ben hand over the whip. I’ve heard that same phrase many times, but never in that setting.

When they arrive, we meet Lindzi’s dad: Harry Cox. Yep. You heard me.

Lindzi’s family actually seems really nice, and it turns out they were married at the same city hall where Ben took Lindzi on their first date. It would probably feel more like kismet if that date hadn’t originally been intended for Sheryl’s grandaughter, whatever her name was, but it’s still a pretty neat coincidence.

There was a chariot race, some pretty cool looking wine glasses and a strange conversation in which Ben said he wasn’t ready to propose but would like her dad’s permission if he ever was ready. I didn’t really follow, and I’m not sure Harry did either. But all in all, I liked this date. 

Grade: B+ (bumped up to an A- when you factor in Lindzi’s cowboy boots. They really “spurred” a reaction in me. Hooray for stupid puns!)

Meet My Father, Elliot Ness

Our next stop takes us to Clarksville, Tennessee. I haven’t exactly kept it a secret that Kacie B. is my favorite, so I was really excited for this date. The Marching Band thing was admittedly a little cheesy, but whatever--she pulls it off. I actually think it’s the first time I’ve ever found marching band sexy. 

(Side note: I’ve decided that upon the birth of my first child, I’m hiring a collegiate drum line to sit in the waiting room so when I bring the baby out they can announce his or her entrance into the world with style. Thank you, Scrubs).

After her performance, Kacie and Ben have a picnic in the bleachers, where she tells him her father doesn’t drink and is a federal probation officer. Ben admits that he’s nervous. I can’t imagine why. He sounds like a barrel of wine fun. 

Basically, as soon as they get to the house things start going downhill. First, Ben give the family a bottle of wine as a gift (cue the cartoon waah waaaaaaah sound). Then, Dad says he won’t give his blessing, and mom says she’d be VERY disappointed if Ben and Kacie moved in together before marriage. It’s almost as if, by walking through the front door, the two were magically transported back in time to Pleasantville. Only, you know, before everything was in color. Or pleasant.

I felt terrible for Kacie, because in my mind she was a frontrunner before this date. But it seems like every year there’s one family that ruins it for someone. This year, that honor goes to the Boguskies. I admire them for staying true to their beliefs, but it seemed to me that Kacie had genuine feelings for Ben, and it sucks that they got in the way of that. As soon as the date was over, I was all but certain she was going home. Sad face.

(Side Note #2: I don’t know whether it’s true that all girls eventually end up looking like their mom, but if it is, Kacie has a very, very bright future. Tinkerbell hair notwithstanding.)

Grade: D. It would’ve been an F, but she’s adorable. 

Ribs and Baked Beans?!? 

Date #3 takes us to Nicki’s hometown of Fort Worth, Texas. Ben tells us that he loves everything about Texas. I’ve never been, so I can’t speak too intelligently on the subject, but I do know this: In Texas, the blind are legally allowed to hunt (at least according to David Sedaris). Michigan too. The only difference is that in Michigan, the blind are required to have a ‘spotter’ (read: person who can see) to assist them. In Texas, they’re allowed to go it alone. Which begs the question, how do they know what they just shot? How do they find their way to the forest? How do they get out? I don’t think I could ever go camping in Texas, in only out of fear that a blind man with a shotgun would mistake me for a deer and blow a hole the size of a softball through my stomach. 

Anyway.

If Kacie’s family ruined her chances, Nicki’s family did the exact opposite. The only word I have to describe them is solid. The brother seemed cool; the parents were down to earth; the whole vibe was awesome. Of course, the thing that really sent it over the top for me was the ribs and baked beans. If I were the Bachelor, I think I’d have proposed right then. What can I say? The way to my heart is truly through my stomach.


Grade: B+ (upgraded to an A-, because of the food)

And Down In Whoville, the Grinches Heart Grew Three Sizes That Day

Finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for--Date #4 takes us to Courtney’s hometown of…Scottsdale, Arizona? Hmmm. I guess Scottsdale could be hell. It is really hot. 

I know I’ll probably get some flack for this, but Courtney really grew on me this week. When she started off by talking about how she felt bad for how she treated the other ladies, I wasn’t convinced. But as she began talking about her feelings for Ben, I felt like she was actually being sincere and, amazingly, I found myself smiling through most of their date.

I know. Weird, right? 

Their time with Courtney’s family was entertaining, to say the least. We found out where Courtney’s lip biting comes from; her mom may have overdone it on the tanning bed getting ready to be on the show; and Courtney’s sister looks like a cross between Chantal O. and Chloe Kardashian. But the best part was when her dad dropped this little knowledge bomb on the world:

“Marriage is life’s biggest gamble. Are you ready to take that risk?”

Now, I understand the point he’s making. Marriage is a big commitment, and statistically the success rate is 50% or less. MUCH less if you’re looking only at the success rate of the Bachelor franchise. So yeah, I get it. But come on, Dad…really? Even knowing that the house usually wins, when I get married I want to believe I’m going to beat the odds--that our love is special, and lasting. I DON’T want to look at my future wife as two pair and say ‘eh, why not? I’m feeling lucky.”

After family time, Ben and Courtney head to a local park, where she had planned to surprise him by telling him she loves him during a fake marriage ceremony she’s planned. Ben Stein played the role of officiant (I’d been wondering what he’s up to these days), and she made Ben write his vows right there on the spot. 

I’ll admit, I would have been nervous trying to write my vows in such a short period of time, but Ben pulled it off masterfully. You could tell through his words that he has very genuine feelings for Courtney, and his sincerity left me with a big smile on my face. Hers? Eh…so it was stolen directly from Sex and the City. But hey, it is a GREAT line, and some people have problems putting their feelings into words, so I’ll let it slide. I still liked it.

I KNOW. I don’t know what’s happened to me. I think I’ve been brainwashed.

I originally thought this was going to be my favorite date, just because of the entertainment value I thought Courtney and what I expected to be her dysfunctional family would provide, but it ended up being my favorite because it was actually pretty awesome. Well done.

Grade: A

What the **** just happened?!?

I felt awful for Kacie. Just awful. She was so certain of her feelings for Ben, but I’m not sure his feelings for her ever got too far past friendly affection. Sure, they kissed, but it always seemed to be closed-mouthed (thanks, Ashley Spivey), and I always got the feeling that Ben was two seconds away from slugging her on the arm and calling her ‘kiddo.’ Regardless, Kacie’s going to be just fine. She’s beautiful, sweet, and real. She’s probably had over a hundred marriage proposals since Monday alone.

Well, that’s all for now folks. Sorry my blog was so late this week! I know, I’m a slacker. But next week I’ll be better! Promise. 

Enter The Thunderdome

So much has been made of the Courtney saga this season--she dominates every episode; she’s all anyone talks about around the water-cooler the next day; and I’m starting to feel like she’s all I’ve been writing about too. So for this edition of my blog, I’m only going to say one thing I noticed about her and then wash my hands of it until next week:

A lot of people look at Courtney as evil. I don’t think that’s true. Sure, I’m just as guilty of making jokes about her villainous ways as anyone. But deep down, I don’t think she’s a bad person. I think she likes attention, is a good judge of what gets people going (in good ways AND bad), and capitalizes on that to satisfy her desire for the spotlight. But based on what I saw in this week’s episode, I don’t think she’s all that happy with that aspect of herself. 

Let me put it another way. All dogs have this basic desire to please their owners and receive attention from them. It’s innate. If you train them properly and they can find productive outlets through which to receive that recognition, they will be (for the most part) well-behaved. But if they don’t receive the attention they need through behaving, they will act out in order to make you take notice. Maybe it’s chewing your shoes. Maybe it’s peeing on your floor. Regardless, it’s all designed to get a reaction out of you. Often, people will blame the dog, but it’s not usually the dog’s fault. Again, they just want to please. Most of the time, it’s because they don’t know another way to get the attention they want.

When Courtney said in this week’s episode that she’s afraid Ben will lose interest in her because most of the men in her life have done so after a while, it was easy to say ‘well yeah, maybe you shouldn’t give up the goods so quickly,’ and to a degree it’s true. But maybe the more important question is why does she act that way? Why does she intentionally set the other women off? Why does she play to Ben’s libido? Perhaps it’s because it’s the only way she knows how to get attention. Maybe when she was younger she didn’t get the attention she needed through normal interaction, so she developed these tendencies as a way of compensating. In turn, maybe all she needs to change her ways is for someone to appreciate her for who she is and not what she looks like naked.

Of course you can get into the whole chicken vs. the egg argument from there, but it’s something to consider. Maybe she’s not that bad. She’s definitely funny, and I’m sure she has other good qualities as well. Anyway, food for thought. Moving on.

“Let’s See If Our Love Can Survive”

My personal favorite, Kacie B., gets the first date card, making her the only girl to receive a second one-on-one date thus far. I’m happy for her. It was hard to see her in pain as she watched Ben’s relationship grow with other ladies while hers sort-of stagnated after her initial date in Sonoma. It’s also usually a pretty good sign, as it indicates that the lead has a strong interest in you and wants to pursue things further. 

The date card reads ‘let’s see if our love can survive,’ and gives the vague instruction that Kacie should pack three things. Ben arrives to pick her up, and a short helicopter ride later (4!) we find out that the two are set to spend a day together on a deserted island. Kacie says she’s nervous because she and Ben will be all alone. Well, aside from the camera crew. And the sound guys. And a producer or two. But other than THAT, no one.

When they get to the island, they each empty their bags. Kacie brought a Swiss Army Knife (not a bad choice, assuming there are some really small vines to cut or Ben wants to clip his toe nails), some Gummy Bears (perfect for the stranded diabetic), and a stuffed Monkey (wait, what? Unless the monkey’s name is Wilson, I’m not really sure where she’s going with that one). Ben’s bag was a little more practical, containing a machete, a fishing net, and a box of matches. So between the two of them, they might actually be able to survive a night in the wilderness. Well done.

Not that it matters, because by sundown they’re back on the streets of Panama City heading to a quaint little bistro for dinner. It’s here that Kacie decides to reveal that she once had a pretty severe eating disorder that came to a head at a Super Bowl party hosted by her parents. WOW. I was kind of expecting a Super Bowl tie-in since the show aired the night after the same, but that was NOT how I expected it to play out. But it’s endearing that she manages to turn such a negative period in her life into a positive, and Ben appreciates that about her. She gets the rose.

Group Date

Not going to spend a lot of time talking about this one (see earlier comment re: Courtney). What I will say is that while I was VERY pleased to see Lindzi get the rose, I wish we would see more of her from week to week. I feel like she’s had maybe 45 seconds of airtime in the last month. 

The THUNDERDOME Date (thanks, William)

Ever since Will from my season called the two-on-one date the thunderdome date, I can’t get it out of my head. TWO WILL ENTER! ONE WILL LEAVE! I don’t know; it just fits.

Rachel is rightfully a bit nervous, while Blakely seems extremely confident (insert overplayed joke about threesome here). I can see the logic behind both girls’ feelings. I was never big into competing for attention during my season, and as a result I just kind of faded into the background. So I can understand Rachel’s not wanting to have to deal with it, especially knowing that she may very well be going home that night. But I also appreciate Blakely’s view, because I think we should always be appreciative of opportunity when it comes our way, no matter what the obstacles are that come with it. Make the most of every chance, as it were.

The dance portion of the date was pretty boring, to be honest. In my opinion, Blakely may have taken her attempts to be sexy a bit too far--he’s a person, chica, not a pole. But nothing really stood out to me as being too noteworthy.

Dinner is where I think Rachel really separated herself from Blakely and made it apparent that she was the one that should be kept around. During her conversation with Ben, Rachel was very level headed, stating her case without coming across as overly desperate, and making it clear that she understood and sympathized with Ben having to make a tough decision. Blakely, on the other hand, came across as extremely desperate by busting out a scrapbook and having a mini-breakdown over never getting a one-on-one. I don’t have a problem with the scrapbook in theory. For example, I thought it was really sweet when JP did something similar for Ashley. But the difference is they were getting down to the end and some very real feelings had developed, whereas Blakely had only spent limited time with Ben. I don’t know; it just felt very 9th grade to me.

Casey S. 

When Chris first mentioned Casey S’s ex to her, I thought it was going to be another Justin Rego situation, which had me a little angry. But after it came out that Casey was really trying to move on because, although she loved her ex very much, she didn’t think he would ever really commit to her, my point of view changed completely. In a way, I went on the Bachelorette with a similar mindset. Yes, my wife had died almost four years prior, but since then I’d fallen for another girl--my best friend. But for one reason or another things had never quite worked out for us for be more than friends, and I had reached a point where I thought it was time to move on.  So it wasn’t completely like Casey’s situation, but I was still trying to get over someone, and I thought the best way to do that was to put myself back out there. We've all been there at one time or another. Could we both have done that without going on national television? Maybe; but that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, the point is--I can definitely relate.

That being said, I’d just like to say this to Casey: you deserve fulfillment, and someone who wants to make you happy just as much as you want to make them happy. If you haven’t already, I’m sure you’ll find it soon. I’m sorry things worked out for you the way they did on the show. Seeing you in pain like that, realizing that for all your best efforts you still weren’t over your ex, broke my heart. But maybe it was for the best because hopefully it gave you some time to reflect and realize what you’re really worth. I wish you nothing but the best going forward.

Rose Ceremony:

Jamie. Good lord, girl. Watching you try to turn Ben on was like watching the first season of the Office, or that scene in Swingers where he leaves like 8 messages on the girl's answering machine. I literally had to pause the show and walk away on not one, not two, but THREE occasions. Brutal. 

That being said, you seem like a very smart, sweet girl, and I applaud you for all you’ve done to take care of your family in a bad situation growing up. I wish you all the best going forward as well.

Well that’s all for now, folks. Apologies for the somewhat serious tone of this week’s blog, but sometimes things just strike a chord and you have to go with it. Hope you all have a great week, and I’ll see you next time.

IN A LEAGUE OF HER OWN

Greetings Bachelor Nation; it’s time for another fun(ish)-filled recap of…THE COURTNEY SHOW BACHELOR! This week takes us to spectacular Vieques, Puerto Rico. Everyone is super excited…well, except for Courtney.  She was just there two months ago because--I don’t know if you knew this--she’s a model. Oh, you didn’t? It’s probably because she never mentions it. She’s so modest.

Upon learning the ladies were traveling to Puerto Rico I found myself hoping someone would steal Courtney’s passport so she’d be stuck there, but I was informed that Puerto Rico is actually a U.S. territory so she doesn’t need a passport. Curses, foiled again.

First 1-on-1

The first date card arrives, reading “let’s find new love in old San Juan.” Only it’s written in Spanish, so no one but Emily understands it. Really, ladies?? It’s only the fastest growing language in the world. I bet if the Twilight series had been written in Spanish, you’d learn. 

Anyway, the first date goes to Nicki, and boy is she excited about it. Don’t get me wrong--I heart the girl, and most of the time I totally appreciate her zest for life. But someone needs to go refill her ADHD prescription immediately. Ben is also excited about the date because ‘Nicki brings out the kid in him,’ which isn’t hard to believe. She bounces off the walls like an 8 year old high on birthday cake, and her nails are bright yellow. She might as well be carrying a lunch box.

Ben arrives to pick Nicki up for their date, and we discover that they’ll be traveling to Old San Juan in…a helicopter! Again? Come on, guys…you’re on an island. Give us a hovercraft. Or jet skis. Even highly trained dolphins would suffice. That’s #2 on the season; if we get to five I’m submitting a formal letter of complaint.

Once they arrive in Old San Juan, the two basically just pal around town together. They get some shaved ice, and Nicki gushes that she’s doing things she’s never done before. Wait, you’ve never had shaved ice? Where did you grow up--Soviet Russia?

Inevitably, the sky falls (as it is wont to do in the tropics) and the happy couple gets drenched. Ben is really impressed the Nicki is rolling with the punches. Of course she is, Ben. People in the early stages of a relationship are ALWAYS more accommodating to one another. Add to that the fact that you’re the Bachelor and you’re on national television, and she probably wouldn’t mind if you accidentally shot her in the leg. But try dragging her around in a torrential downpour after you’ve gotten married, and let me know how it goes.

Once the rain subsides, Ben decides they should buy some dry clothes. He comes out dressed like what I would imagine Ricky Ricardo would look like after three days of heavy drinking, and she vaguely reminiscent of a tablecloth. Ben says he feels like he now has some Latin swagger. I don’t know if it’s the clothes or the pencil-thin inchworm of a mustache on his upper lip, but I can’t say I disagree. All he needs to complete the look is to be sitting on a park bench smoking cigars and playing dominoes.

They stumble across a wedding, which gives them an opening to talk about a more serious subject--i.e. Nicki’s first marriage. She was clearly hurt by the fact that it ended the way it did, and I feel bad for her. But she’s optimistic that this is her second chance at a fairy tale. At first I laugh at this statement, but then I realize she’s in competition with an evil queen, and lives with Grumpy, Whiny, Jersey, Tiny, Perky, Nerdy, Boobs, Bangs & Casper the Friendly Ghost. So in a way, she’s right. She’s the reality TV Snow White. 

(By the way, bonus points if you can accurately attach each girl to her dwarf name). 

In the end, Nicki gets the rose. I didn’t see a ton of chemistry between her and Ben, but she’s just so lovable there’s no way he could have let her go home yet.

Group Date

The Group Date Card arrives, teasing the girls with the famous words ‘Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.’ Everyone but Nicki and Elyse (who, by default, gets the second 1-on-1) goes on this date. The ladies are pumped by the titillating words on the date card (hehe…I said titillating), but much to their chagrin they find out they’re actually going to be playing some good old fashioned beisbol. I dig the play on words, Ben, but be careful--if I mentioned diamonds to my lady and then pulled the old bait and switch, I’d probably wind up with a dead horse’s head at the foot of my bed. And she’s not NEARLY as crazy as some of your girls.

To heighten the tension, the girls find out they’ll be split into two squads and play a softball game for the right to go on a date with Benicio that evening. Winners rule, losers…go back to the hotel (I swear; I had something for that). The ladies pick squads, and I find myself hoping that Courtney and Emily will be on the same team. No two teammates would have hated each other that much since Shaq and Kobe, or Barry Bonds and…anyone he ever played with. Unfortunately, my dreams were for naught.

Since there are 9 girls on the date, Ben has to choose one girl to play for both teams (or go both ways, depending on your preference for sexual innuendo). He chooses Lindzi, meaning no matter who wins, she can’t lose. She’s like the modern day Parker Lewis (additional points if you get this reference).

My favorite part of the game was Kacie B’s rally cry of “COME ONNNNNN, BITCHES!” So awesome. If Braveheart Mel Gibson met everyday life Mel Gibson and the two had a profane, inspirational baby Mel Gibson, that baby would be Kacie B. 

Anyway, the red team ultimately wins the game, prompting the blue team to prove that there IS, in fact, crying in baseball. The red team is whisked away to their beach date by…grr, what else…a helicopter (That’s 3!!!), and the blue team sulks back to their hotel in a beat up old school bus.

The after party is pretty standard by comparison. Lindzi says she wouldn’t mind continuing to be Ben’s MVP (cute, if cheesy). Courtney decides it’s time to bust out the big guns (and by big, I mean medium. And by guns, I mean boobs). And Kacie B is awarded the group date rose because, according to Ben, she’s a great listener and really gets him to open up. Hmm, who knew nodding and smiling was such a valued skill?

Second 1-on-1

I have to admit that up until this episode I hadn’t been a big fan of Elyse’s, primarily due to her accent, her rudeness to Shawntel, and her apparent obsession with self-tanner; but she really grew on me during this date. She seemed sweet, genuine, and easy to get along with. I wish we’d seen more of this side of Elyse during the first few weeks of the show.

Ben says he’s excited about the date because his feelings for Ashley really grew during their boat date, and he’s confident that feelings can really change on the water. It’s true…I once went from feeling perfect to throwing up in about ten minutes while on the water. Of course, I think that had more to do with the fish I ate than the company, but whatever.

I think Elyse might’ve been fine had she not made some fatal mistakes in her conversations with Ben. As soon as they sat down she unloaded on him that she’d left her job and missed her best friend’s wedding to meet him. I have a couple of thoughts on this:

1. How did she leave her job? Isn’t she a personal trainer? I thought her job was wherever the fat people are. Did they all miraculously get skinny when she decided to do the show?

2. This was a bad idea because it immediately puts pressure on Ben--like, ‘you can’t send me home because I gave up so much to be here.’ How is he supposed to be comfortable with that hanging over his head?

Then at dinner Elyse makes a similar mistake, saying she’s just ‘so tired of being single.’ The second I heard that I knew she was going home. Why? Because it makes Ben feel like she’s just looking for a guy, any guy, and that she doesn’t particularly care if it’s Ben or not. 

Given those mistakes, it wasn’t a surprise to me when Ben told her he couldn’t give her the rose. Still, I felt really bad for her as they took what had to be the most awkward moonlight stroll on the beach I’ve ever seen. Don’t worry Elyse, plenty of guys will be begging to do pushups for you in no time. Hell, Nick Peterson can even do them with you on his back. Just sayin.’

Skinny Dippiing:

When Ben arrives home from his ill-fated date with Elyse, he finds Courtney sitting on his steps, looking for a nightcap (is that what the kids are calling it these days?). In an ITM, she says she doesn’t know if Ben’s ever skinny dipped with a model before. I’m assuming by model she means something that’s long, skinny and doesn’t have much shape…which makes me wonder--does driftwood count? 

In his interview, Big Ben says he doesn’t think this is such a good idea, but then little Ben chimes in with ‘are you f**king kidding me?!? She gon’ get NEKKID!,’ causing Big Ben to come to his senses and say ‘Why the hell not?’As they stripped off their clothes, drunkenly stumbled into the ocean and proceed to get their groove on share an intimate moment, I found myself thinking that any girl that can convince a man to get butt-ass naked on national television is a force to be reckoned with. She might just run away with this thing.

From everything I’ve seen on this show (which, granted, might not be everything), Courtney is as manipulative and underhanded as they come…but I’ll say this for her: No one has played the game this well since Jordan. Girl can flat out ball.

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony

The highlights/lowlights of the cocktail party and rose ceremony are as follows:

1. Blakely meets with Ben and shares the fact that she writes down something she loves about him every day. She says the reason she’s still single is because she’s always been waiting for the perfect guy, but never really believed someone like Ben would be interested in her. Until now. It’s a sweet moment, and I have to admit that Blakely really grew on me this week. First her softball skills, and now this? Welcome to my top 5, m’lady.

2. Courtney says it bothers her to see the other girls spending time with Ben, but she’s confident because she knows none of them have the kind of connection with him that she does. I’m not sure she knows the difference between ‘connection’ and ‘penetration,’ but that’s neither here nor there.

3. Emily tells Benjamin that she hasn’t thought about Courtney all week, and wants to only focus on her relationship with Ben going forward, which of course means she promptly spends the next five minutes complaining about Courtney again. This leads Ben to warn her to ‘tread lightly,’ and ‘be careful.’ Which leads me to:

4. I was all but SURE Emily would be going home after her second foot-in-mouth incident, but out of left field (see, I’m keeping with the baseball theme), Ben decides to send JENNIFER packing instead. I’m sorry, what? Did I miss something? The same Jennifer you called the best kisser in the house? The same Jennifer that shared a really nice date with you LAST WEEK? No bueno, Benjamin. No bueno.

So that’s the show, folks. I hope everyone will join me next week when we head to Panama! But before I go, some awards from this week’s episode:

Line of the Night: A tie between Courtney's “Blakely is like a champion out there. Who knew strippers could play baseball?” and Courtney's "Maybe she drank too much and the Jersey Shore came out." (I might have to rename this award the Courtney award, as she seems to win it every week. She might be the female version of Darth Vader, but homegirl is funny.)

Irony Award: Courtney sporting the “Be Nice” t-shirt to open the episode

Awkward Outfit Award: A tie between Ben’s white linen ensemble and his “Beach tuxedo.” Well played, sir…well played.

Bachelor 101: An Idiot’s Guide to Falling

First things first, we’re approaching the point in the season where these recaps are going to be a bit less snarky than they’ve been in the past. This is because as more contestants get eliminated and real feelings begin to develop, a lot of the drama and opportunities to poke fun disappear. That’s not to say that I won’t still get my shots in, but ultimately I watch this show for the same reason most of y’all do--because I want to see two people fall in love.

Yeah, yeah…yuck it up. 

Secondly, this week’s episode was kind of unique in that it offered up a sort of how-to guide for life on The Bachelor. In addition to the usual drama, this episode showed us several dos and don’ts for lasting on the show. As a result, this week--in addition to my standard recap--I’ll be highlighting the lessons we learned in beautiful Park City, Utah. 

As the show opens, we see Ben soaring high above the mountaintops…in his very own helicopter! Look, I love a good ‘copter ride as much as the next guy, but would it kill us to get some variation in modes of transport here? How about a shot of Ben weaving through forests on a hang-glider? Or a jet-pack? Hell, at this point, I’d rather see him bounce from place to place on a pogo stick…but maybe that’s just me.

Ben notes that he’s bringing the ladies to Park City because he wants them to experience the outdoors. He adds that nature is a big part of his life, and based on the subsequent shots of him standing by a river and staring thoughtfully into the distance while sitting on a horse, I can tell he really means it.

Meanwhile, a few miles away Kacie B is already complaining about how much she misses Ben and hates the idea of him spending time with the other girls. In general, I really like Kacie B; but she’s falling into the same trap that someone falls into every season--she’s looking at this like it’s a normal dating situation, where not wanting the person you’re dating to go on dates with other people or kiss other people is normal. But in Bachelor-land, dealing with those things is as routine as a morning poop…which brings us to our first lesson:

Lesson 1: This isn’t Kansas anymore, so you might as well embrace Munchkinland:

As much as you might want this to be a normal dating situation, it isn’t ever going to be. The fact that a camera crew is present to document your every move should be your first clue. Besides, unless you happen to have never seen a TV before, you know how this show works…the lead dates several men or women, slowly whittling them down until he picks the one person he or she (theoretically) wants to spend the rest of his or her life with. 

But even knowing that, someone always develops a connection early on, and then spends the rest of their time slowly unravelling at the thought of losing it. 

“We kissed! Yay!” 

“Now he’s kissing her…oh no!” 

“But then he looked at ME! Huzzah!” 

“But he gave HER the rose. (Sniff, Sniff) How could I be so blind?? ” 

  

If you try to analyze dating the Bachelor or Bachelorette as if it were real life, you’re going to go crazy. Instead, you need to embrace the uniqueness of the experience. In real life, relationships typically develop slowly over time. Here, they happen so fast, that all the dates with other people almost NEED to happen for the lead to be sure of his final choice. So to Kacie B, and all future Kacie Bs, I say this: Encourage your Bachelor to go on other dates. Encourage him to explore his feelings for other people. Because in the end, if he picks you, you want him to do so knowing he made an intelligent, well thought out decision. That way you might actually stand a chance of lasting longer than a Super Bowl halftime show.

Back to the action, the first one-on-one date goes to Rachel, whom I also really like. She’s gorgeous, seems very low maintenance, and has that raspy smoker/1-900 number operator’s voice that I can’t help but find sexy. She’s a little worried because in the past she’s had trouble opening up early in relationships.  This brings us to

Did you say something? No, that was just the crickets.

Lesson 2: You don’t need a book of conversation starters, but have some stuff in mind.

I always found it hilarious that Ryan Park bought a book of conversation starters and carried around a pad on which to jot down notes of things to tell Ashley, but in a way he had the right idea. As Chris Harrison says every week, you’re only going to get a limited amount of time with the lead, so you need to be prepared to use it wisely. Now, you don’t have to go the extent Ryan did, but you should always be ready and willing to communicate when it comes your turn for some one on one time.

Rachel’s date was a prime example of someone who wasn’t prepared for their time when it came. Watching her and Ben stare off into space silently drinking champagne or make idle conversation about the weather was so awkward that I had to start to drinking. Not that I’m opposed to that…at all…but still. In my mind, Rachel’s voice is one of her best attributes, and she just seemed content to let her time with Ben pass by without using it. This is an excerpt from their actual conversation:

Ben: It’s so beautiful out here. 

Rachel: It is.

Ben: It’s so quiet.

Rachel: It is.

Ben: And so romantic.

Rachel: It is.

I’m sorry, what? I’ve gotten better conversation from a statue of Teddy Roosevelt. Granted, I was hammered at the time, but you see my point. Thank God for Rachel she’s hot enough and it’s still early enough in the game that Ben excuses her, saying their relationship must just be a “slow burn,” so she skates by…for now.  But she needs to step up her game pronto or her slow burn will be a no burn before long. 

Moving on, this week’s group date takes the ladies horse back riding and fly-fishing. Ben says he’s excited about the date because he’ll get to see how the ladies take to the outdoors and embrace something that they maybe don’t have a lot of experience with. The ladies, however, are more excited because they think Michelle’s…err, Courtney’s…true colors will finally shine through. There was one big lesson to take away from this date:

Catching a man is like catching a fish. One down, one to go bitch!

Lesson 3: You can’t win if you don’t play the game

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not Courtney’s biggest admirer. Yes, she’s good-looking, funny, and has a confidence that one can’t help but find attractive. But at the same time, she’s rude, mean-spirited, and she won’t…stop…saying…WINNING! It’s like 1) Make up a catch phrase of your own, or 2) if you insist on using someone else’s, please--for the love of GOD--keep it current. Winning hasn’t been funny since before I went on the show, almost a year ago. That would be like me running around telling everyone to ‘eat my shorts’ or ‘synchronize watches.’ The only exception to this rule is if the catch phrase is old enough that it’s become so uncool that it’s cool again--“DY-no-MITE!” from Good Times is an excellent example.

One thing I WILL say for Courtney, however, is that she knows how to play the game. While other girls stood to the side drinking, talking to the other ladies, or even fishing, she engaged Ben and pulled him away so she could have more time with him. Further, she was exceedingly complimentary when he showed her how to fly-fish and, although luck may have played a part, she was even able to catch a fish which had the added benefit of making him feel like a good teacher. 

What’s more is that later, at the after-party, when Courtney saw that Ben was probably going to give the group date rose to Kacie B., she had the presence of mind to bust out one of the oldest tricks in the book--cat and mouse--and pretended to be pulling away from Ben ‘because the experience was just so hard on her.’ As an old proverb says, ‘we pursue that which retreats from us.’ Courtney used that knowledge  to sway Ben into giving her the rose. 

Manipulators...mount up.

Compare that to Kacie B’s actions on the group date. When she received one on one time with Ben, she was very sweet, very open and was completely honest about her feelings. In other words, she didn’t play any games at all. In real life, this is the right thing to do. In real life, being real almost always wins out in the end. But again, this isn’t real life. There isn’t always enough time for Ben to get to know when the girls well enough to know when they’re being forthright and when they’re playing the game, which leaves him more open to being manipulated.

Does this justify Courtney’s actions? No. But you have to give her credit--she realizes that at least a part of this experience is competition, and she uses all possible angles to her advantage. 

The next one-on-one date goes to Jennifer. From her date we learned

Lesson 4: This show really likes metaphors.

Love is like a dark, smelly abyss...wait.

I’m sorry. I like Jennifer; I really do. She seems very sweet, and down to earth. But I can’t spend too much time talking about this date because all the ‘taking the plunge,’ and ‘diving in deeper’ metaphors were making me gag on my Chipotle. 

I also wonder about dates like these where there is a concert scheduled after the rose is to be handed out. What if Ben decided not to keep her? Would the concert be cancelled? Would all those people be told they couldn’t see Clay Walker just because Ben didn’t think he and Jennifer had a future together? Or would Ben be forced to dance awkwardly on the podium all by himself? 

My point is, I wonder if dates like those are given to people he already knows he’s going to keep around. If so, there really isn’t much to learn here.

Finally comes time for the Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony. Here, Emily apparently gets amnesia and forgets everything she learned in kindergarten because she becomes yet another contestant on this series to make one of the worst mistakes you can make in this situation:

Courtney stole my snack pack!

Lesson 5: Nobody likes a tattle tale.

Remember when you were a kid and you saw Bobby Johnson stealing crayons, or Suzy Long drinking someone else’s milk? Your brain told you this wasn’t fair, so you did the first thing that came to mind--you told on the them. Except, much to your surprise, no one was ever happy with you when you reported the offense. Maybe you were scolded; maybe you were even punished yourself…but the lesson you took away was always the same: NOBODY likes a tattle tale.

Bitches be frontin!

It’s so simple, and we all know it. Yet somehow every season someone decides that it’s their job to tell the lead that someone acts differently around them than they do everyone else in the house. There was the Weatherman, then William, and now Emily. Emily even says she thinks Ben will be HAPPY when she throws another girl under the bus.

Of course he isn’t, which makes things awkward between the two and destroys most of the progress they’d made on their one-on-one. Further, it gets back to Courtney, who says she’d like ‘to rip her head off and verbally assault her.’ (Courtney, if you’re going to verbally assault someone, you should probably do it BEFORE you rip their head off. Otherwise, what’s the point?) As a result of all this, Emily very nearly goes home. 

But in the end, she’s saved when Ben somewhat surprisingly chooses instead to eliminate Monica. Monica is the only person sent home at the rose ceremony, since Samantha was asked to leave earlier at the group date. I find myself feeling bad for her, because I was the only person eliminated in Phuket and can relate with the sting of being the one person deemed to be not good enough to continue on. 

But on the bright side Monica, at least you got walked out!

Ok, kids…that’s all for now. I’ll be back next week when we go to sunny Puerto Rico! It looks like we’ll see Emily continuing to throw Courtney under the bus, to which Courtney responds by showing Ben her lady parts. Mmm, cattiness and nudity…I’m in!