I’m back! I know, I know…you missed me. There was wailing. There was gnashing of teeth. Some of you probably even got married just to temporarily distract yourself from the pain of my absence. I’m sorry.
But see, I have this thing called work. And a dog. And a girlfriend. And for once the dog and the girlfriend are different people! So I got a little distracted last week. I got some of the blog written, but never got around to finishing it.
Because I want you to know I was at least thinking of you, I’ll include the part of last week’s blog I got done. I would try to finish it, but one, I don’t really remember all the details (vodka is the devil), and two, does anyone really care?
Anyway, here we go:
So I’ve decided to start doing product placement in my blogs. I figure if ABC can shamelessly plug whatever Disney product it wants and I just have to sit there and take it like a cheerleader on prom night, I should be able to do the same right? Right.
Anyway, this week finds our band of misfits heading to Croatia. I don’t really know anything about Croatia except it’s far. I notice that in the opening shots of Emily there’s no sight of little Ricki. I sure hope Em didn’t lose her baggage at the airport.
Jef says he couldn’t imagine a better place to fall in love. I mean, sure, it’s gorgeous, but with a girl like Emily Burger King would be the perfect place to fall in love. You could have it your way all OVER that joint.
Travis, in his lovably goofy Southern accent, says if he doesn’t get a one on one this week he may as well pack up his things and head home. It’s probably for the best…I’m sure Andy, Opie, and Aunt Mae are missing him somethin’ awful.
Travis does get the date, but it would’ve been just as well if he didn’t. He and Emily both talk about how they’ve developed a great friendship, but that they need to see if there’s any kind of romantic connection there. In an effort to create that spark Travis plays a rousing game of…would you rather?
Sigh. Dude is so far in the friend zone at this point he and Em might as well start talking about boys and going to the bathroom together.
There’s a rod sticking out of a wall and a small hole above it. Local legend tells that using that rod and hole together while removing your shirt will bring you luck in love. Seriously…I can’t make this up.
Travis manages to use the rod and hole with some success, but doesn’t take off his shirt. Emily must take this as a sign he’s a missionary with the lights off kind of guy, as you can see the last hints of interest fading from her eyes.
There’s a dinner, but it’s not really worth talking about. Travis was engaged, but it didn’t work. He hasn’t dated anyone since. Oh, did I mention that was two years ago? Poor guy’s penis has probably mummified by this point.
Travis doesn’t get the rose, which bums me out a little since he’s one of the few guys you can just tell is a good dude. Oh well, I’m sure he’ll find a nice girl to raise ostrich eggs with real soon.
The next day it’s group date time and poor Emily is just sick of all these extravagant dates so she decides she just wants to take the guys to a movie. In Croatia. My eyes roll so hard I think I have a concussion.
They see the new Disney movie, Brave, which I’ll admit I’m legitimately psyched to see. As a general rule I’ll see almost anything animated, no matter how bad (I know; I’m a huge nerd. Same way with comic book movies), but this one actually looks pretty good.
The product placement is getting a little old though. I realize ABC is owned by Disney, so it makes sense for them to take advantage of that opportunity. But doesn’t it get annoying when people blatantly pander Jiffy Lube to an audience Dunkin Donuts just because they can Trojan Condoms? Even I know that, and I’m no expert.
Though I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.
After the movie Emily surprises the guys by announcing that they’ll be competing in their very own Highland games. Sigh…why couldn’t they have watched The Hunger Games and reenacted that instead?
And that’s all I got written. Fortunately there isn’t too much else to say. Chris is bad at things. Ryan has a big mouth and is a terrible judge of what people really think about him. The end. Moving on.
You better Czech Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself
Guys, I don’t want there to be any secrets between us. I just think, you know, we’ve gotten close over the past several weeks and I feel like we’re at a point where we can be honest with each other. So as tough as this is to say, I’m just gonna come out and say it.
I liked NSync.
What’s that you say? It was a decade ago? You’ve had flings with terrible bands before too? It has no bearing on the present whatsoever? Thank God…because Lord knows some people go crazy about shit like that.
In our last week before hometowns, Emily says she feels lucky to be in such a beautiful city. She also says it makes her feel like she’s in the old days. Of course in the old days an unwed single mom would’ve been more likely to sport a Scarlet letter A than platform heels and a leather jacket, but whatever.
Chris Harrison meets the guys to give his usual spiel, and he points out that this week is BY FAR the biggest week. Thank God this guy is around…otherwise how would we know how relationships are supposed to progress as time goes on?
The first date card goes to Arie, and reads “Arie, let’s Czech out Prague together.” Yay for wordplay!
Emily shows up, dressed in a blazer and a pair of sparkly shorts she may or may not have stolen from a local discotheque. Is business up top and party down below a thing? She’s like a walking mullet.
There’s no real plan for the date. Just a girl and her man, searching for the nearest wall. But…something’s not right. Emily KNOWS something about Arie that he doesn’t know she knows.
Oh god, I’m getting flashbacks of every passive-aggressive girl I ever dated in high school. Ladies, a bit of advice: if you have a problem, come out and say it. Passive-aggressive behavior is quite possibly the least attractive thing on earth.
They pass a statue, where they rub a lady and dog for good luck and loyalty. I rub a lady and a dog several times a week and I didn’t have to travel halfway around the world to do it. I guess what I’m trying to say here, is I win.
But Emily just can’t shake her feeling that Arie isn’t being totally honest with her. So naturally she sits him down and asks him the same question twenty different ways. At this rate I fully expect her to bust out a Cosmo Quiz. You know, because we’re 16.
Just then we cut away to Chris Harrison, who’s now standing in front of the mansion in LA. And wearing completely different clothes at that. F#$k Arie’s secret, I wanna know how that happened. Is he Superman? Can he teleport? We can’t get a damn helictoper on this season, but the host is some sort of mutant and WHY ARE WE STILL FOCUSED ON EMILY I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!!
Anyway, Harrison says that a long, long time ago, a decade ago actually, Arie had a brief relationship with of the shows producers, Cassie. The camera then cuts back to an interview between Cassie and Emily, where Cassie goes on to explain that she doesn’t even know Arie anymore, and has only seen him twice in ten years. Nonetheless, Emily isn’t pleased.
Oh, guys…in the interest of full disclosure I also wanted to tell you that I took a poop just now. What…you don’t care? You don’t want me to tell you trivial things that don’t matter, especially when we have limited time together? Oh…nevermind.
Arie, Emily and Cassie eventually sit down and have a conversation about the issue, and all is resolved. Albeit off-camera. How a show that thrives on drama allows one of its biggest conversations of the season to take place off camera is beyond me, but who cares…it was a stupid issue to begin with. By that night, they’re back to making out, and Emily is basically begging to meet Arie’s parents.
The second date card arrives, and this one is Wolfie’s. He says time is running out and he wants to show Emily what he’s really like. I find myself praying that there’s a full moon.
There’s a boat tour, and it’s a boring. The walk down some random streets, and that’s boring. The John Lennon wall was neat, but that was because of the history of communism and censorship, not because these two clowns drew a boat.
Emily says the more she hangs out with John, the more she likes him ‘as a person,’ which is basically the kiss of death for any hopes John ever had of finding out just how good a job Em’s plastic surgeon did.
Lastly, the two arrive at some sort of giant bike rack where lovers will ‘lock down’ their love by…you know what, forget it. I quit. Last week it was a nub sticking out of the side of a building. This week Arie’s rubbing some old lady’s FUPA and John’s trying to make a lock work. These love metaphors are too tenuous even for me, and I once likened drunkenly peeing on a girl’s floor to a marking my territory!
For the night portion of the date, the two eat dinner in…wait for it…a castle! I swear to God it’s like ABC just bought some sort of package where you travel Europe and visit random ass old castles. What are we going to do today? Explore a castle. Where are we going to eat dinner? In the basement of a castle. What will we do for the group date? Play hide and seek in a f%$king castle! It’s like they’ve literally given up.
Anyway, the rest of the date goes terribly for Wolfie, and everyone seems to know it but him. Poor guy. He tells Emily how his last girlfriend cheated on him with a doctor, and all I can think is his current girlfriend is cheating on him with a race car driver, the owner of a water company, an insurance salesman and the blonde hulk.
But he thinks it goes well. So well in fact that when he gets back to the hotel he brags about it, prompting Sean to ‘spontaneously’ ‘wander’ the streets of Prague ‘looking for Emily’ so he can ‘surprise’ her. And what luck! He finds her! They spend a few minutes making out against a wall because, you know, making out against a wall is the new black.
The next day is the group date with Sean, Doug and Chris and ohyeahyouguessedittheygotoacastle. Emily touches Doug’s knee and he freaks out, so she finally decides it’s time to send him packing. Only Doug, who’s been looking for the go ahead to kiss Emily for weeks, mistakes her breaking up with him as a sign that he should kiss her. Emily responds by saying ‘thanks for that.’ Awkward, thy name is Doug.
Now it’s a two-on-one date and Chris, being the grown ass man he is, decides to whine about it. She placates him, saying a 2-on-1 is the next best thing to a 1-on-1, which is of course true, in the same way that gonorrhea is the next best thing to being STD free. Sean gets the rose.
Easily the best part of this episode was Jef’s date. I haven’t been his biggest fan thus far, I think in part because I’m still pretty sure he’s underage and this kind of love affair can only be legal in a place where 12 year olds still get married off in exchange for two goats and a cow, but now I’m officially sold.
They go to a puppet store, and wouldn’t you know it, Jef is great with puppets. Come on, ABC, you’re making these jokes too easy! But the part where he professed his love via marionette was admittedly pretty awesome, and he even produced two of my favorite lines to ever be uttered on this show:
“Can we…get a dog together?”
“I wanna date you so hard and marry the f#%k out of you.”
Respect, Jef. Respect.
By the time the rose ceremony rolls around, Sean already has a rose and Emily has already told Arie and Jef she wants to meet their families. That only leaves Wolfie and Chris on the chopping block. Chris is having a full on meltdown, tears and all, and for a moment I’m convinced it’s Wolfie who’ll be moving on to the next week.
But Chris, who’s maturity knows no bounds, stops the rose ceremony and basically cries to Emily until she decides that stringing him along for one more week would be easier than dealing with any more of his shenanigans.
Next up: hometowns! Who’s family will pull a Kirk or Kacie B. and ruin it for them? Will Chris manage to ride out his sympathy card all the way to a fantasy suite? Can ABC find a way to work a castle in to Arizona? These answers and more next week!