She Said A Minivan Full of Babies, Brent...not Teenagers

Man, Emily’s hot.

That’s literally the only note I took through the first 15 minutes of Monday’s premiere of the Bachelorette. I even went back and rewatched it after I realized I didn’t have anything more significant to add, and all I came away with that time was:

Damn.

Fortunately, the oxygen eventually returned to my brain and I was able to focus (sort of) for the rest of the episode.

There’s never too much plot development on the first night so I won’t waste anyone’s time with useless exposition. Rather, I’ll just pick out some winners and losers from Night One:

Winner: Ryan. Emily is a charming, unassuming Southern woman with impeccable manners to match her good looks. So it makes sense that she would like Ryan, who is basically the male version of her. I’m not sure what was going on with dude’s hair, but he was laid back and friendly. I like him. And I’m sure it didn’t hurt that he appears to have been carved directly out of marble.

Loser: Lerone. Well, at least ABC tried. Don’t get me wrong…he seemed nice. But come on; couldn’t the token black guy have at least been…Black? I know, I know…expecting that there be some fundamental difference between a black person and a white person is racist in and of itself. Trust me, I get it. All I’m saying is this is the first minority representation this show has had in…I don’t know…ever, maybe, and they had to kill it by making him the most neutered looking black guy on earth? Don’t take my word for it; look at the stats: he sells real estate and owns a dog so effeminate most women wouldn’t be seen with it. Really? This was our big ballsy foray into the unknown? What, was Carlton busy?

Winner: Jef. I have to be honest. I saw this guy’s picture and had the following initial reactions: 1) he’s 14, 2) he looks like an extra from 21 Jumpstreet…the TV show, and 3) there’s no way anyone who rides a skateboard and wears that much denim is going to be a good match for Emily. Well, the jury is still out on the first two, but I have to admit I was wrong about the third one. Jef was, as Emily purred, very cool. He was charming and confident, and he did it without even really appearing to try. Color me impressed.

Loser: Wolf. Wolf, Wolf, Wolf…what were you thinking, buddy? Did you expect Emily to say ‘oooh, that sounds sexy,’ or ask if you bite? I’m sure there’s an awesome story behind the name. It probably involves Vegas, and strippers, and coke, and being chased through the desert by a pack of wolves when you tried to bury the body. Hell, I’m getting excited just thinking about it. But there’s a time and a place, Wolf. And this wasn’t it. I guess the only thing I really wanna know is…team Edward or team Jacob? Definitely team Jacob, right?

Winner: Arie. She said she thought you’d look hot in a race car. You’re automatically safe through Week 5, at a minimum.

Loser: Travis. Come on, an egg? I raised an egg in 7^th grade. Did it die? Yes. Did it meet its end when I threw it at my science teacher’s house on a Friday night? I can neither confirm nor deny that information. The point is while I get what you were trying to do, it came across more as childish than capable. But on a positive note, I’m really excited to see what becomes of the egg. I bet a bijillion dollars someone gets drunk and cooks it. What will Travis tell Emily then? Ricki was delicious?

Winner: Stevie. Stevie gets the slipping through the cracks award. I can’t see anything that he did to deserve a rose, but hey…he lives to fight another day. I will say this for him, he’d have killed on our Jabawockeez date.

Loser: The dude who busted out the quote. He was so unmemorable that I honestly can’t remember his name, but the image of him getting down on one knee and proudly proclaiming that ‘life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away. Groannnnnnn. Look, I gave a girl a broken compass so I’m obviously okay with cheap gimmicks, but what was the thought process here: “hey, you’re cute…I’m gonna bust out a quote you probably had on a magnet in college.”

Winner: America. Everything I’ve seen since the premiere is Kalon is a douchenozzle. Kalon is an asshat. Kalon is a Belieber. These are of course all terrible things, and most likely true…but I think we may be missing the point. America should be thanking Kalon, because he’s going to make these first few weeks of this show watchable. See, the love story never really begins until week four or five when real connections start forming. Until then, we ‘d be lying to ourselves if we said we didn’t enjoy the pettiness and drama. And if there’s two things I feel confident Kalon brings to the table, it’s pettiness and drama.

There were others I liked, and cringed for. In the like column were Chris (the bobbleheads were a creative gift), Doug (who played the single parent card to perfection), Aaron (who looks like Haley Joel Osment and Cam from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off had a baby), and the South American wonder twins (aka keepers of the producers’ stash). 

In the cringe column were Randy and his grandmother, Brent's six kids and a nametag (this is the Bachelorette, not a damn PTA meeting!), Tony proclaiming himself Prince Charming, Michael’s shoulder length hair (get a haircut, hippy!), and Joe (i.e. Dawson Leary) screaming and having a small seizure when he saw Emily (in all fairness I probably would have too).

All in all, I’d say this season is shaping up to be a great one. The previews looked intense—a lot of dudes crying, Emily saying f#&k, and Ricki becoming the youngest reality tv star this side of Toddlers and Tiaras. I don’t know about you all, but I can’t wait!

Epilogue: I promise future blogs will be more timely…had a lot going on this week. Sorry!