What up, party people.
First things first, I have a confession to make. Last night I watched the Bachelorette with a bottle of white wine. And tonight, as I write this, I’ve got one of those god awful Twilight movies playing in the background. You know the ones, where the girl who always seems to think she’s acting in an Avril Lavigne biopic is in love with the James Dean wannabe who for some reason sparkles in the sunlight. Then there’s some other dude. He turns into a big dog or something, but with the way he’s always whining you’d think he was a giant pussy….cat. Pussy cat.
The sad part is, it’s actually pretty good. Yeah yeah, I know…it appears that at 31 I’m officially turning into a teenage girl. If at some point I start tweeting links to One Direction songs you have my full permission to burn me at the stake.
Anyway, let’s get to this nonsense, shall we?
When the curtain raises on our fourth week of Tool Academy, err, The Bachelorette, we find that we’re headed to sunny BERMUDA! For a second I am Jack’s intense feeling of rage. These Dingos get to go to seasonally appropriate Bermuda and the only place I traveled to was Phuket in the MIDDLE OF MONSOON SEASON?!? Not fair. But I digress.
Emily is excited about the trip. She says she’s so fortunate to be able to bring Ricki along with her, presumably because Ricki is going to be hot one day and she might as well learn all about stringing dudes along now, while she’s still young and it’s easier to absorb information.
Emily just hopes that the next time she comes to Bermuda it’s with her husband and she’s pregnant pushing a baby stroller. I’m not sure understands the logistics of baby making. Or maybe she does…who knows, maybe she wants to push out set after set of Irish twins until she’s got her own basketball team of Aryan looking children of the corn. Not to imply that they’d definitely be slingblade wielding psychopaths, but if any of them are named Ezekiel or Hezekiah, run. Don’t think…run.
In another part of crazy town, we find the guys tearing through the quaint streets of Bermuda on….scooters? Right. Because there’s nothing sexier than a bunch of overgrown dudes on Vespas. Sigh.
Travis is so excited he decides to sing a little song: “Bermuda, Bermuda, Bermuda,” he croons, his lyrical skills so finely honed he almost reminds me of that guy who sang the Emily song on night one. What was his name again?
Eh, doesn’t matter.
We get the obligatory product placement interviews, with the guys saying how awesome their digs are. We get it, fellas. You’re on a beautiful island with a beautiful girl in a BEAUTIFUL hotel. Wonderful. No worries…me, my dog hair covered couch and my DiGiorno flatbread aren’t jealous in the slightest.
Travis nervously says he needs some time with Emily because he feels like he’s falling behind some of the other guys. At least Arie is having some fun…he grabs the first date card and pretends it’s for him. I like Arie. We should hang sometime.
The first date goes to Doug, and the card reads ‘let our senses lead the way.’ Immediately I’m hoping for something kinky or that they’re going to be blindfolded in an abandoned mine field or something like that, but this is network tv so I should probably let go of those dreams.
Doug is nervous because on a one-on-one date he might get sent home. Ummm, yeah Doug…that’s typically how it works. Arie, who’s “ready for the football team to disband,” and some of the other guys take the opportunity to mess with his head a little, prompting Doug to drop a string of f-bombs that would’ve made Tarantino proud. Thankfully Emily walked in about that time, preventing anyone from getting their ear cut off.
(Line of the night: Arie’s “Doug is like the Hulk. Doug angry. Doug smash. Doug sadddd.” I’m serious…Arie, if you’re reading this, let’s get drinks sometime.)
In typical Bachelor/ette form, the first date in Bermuda is one of those let’s explore the town/learn about the culture dates that no one except the Bermuda tourism board really gives a shit about. But Doug, God bless him, musters up his best “I’m excited!” when he finds out they’re going shopping. Gotta think being a parent helped with that one….he’s been faking excitement for refrigerator art, gold stars, and other crap he probably doesn’t really care about for years.
Eventually the two sit down on some steps and talk about life. (Because where else would you do that? In a chair?? Don’t be so bourgeoisie.) Doug tells Emily he wanted his son to know one person could change the world, so he started a charity “because Superman wasn’t gonna show up.” Oh, well that makes sense. I gave a bunch of clothes to Goodwill the other day because, I mean, it wasn’t like Spiderman was gonna do it…after all, he’s only got the one suit.
Emily writes a letter to Doug’s son, Austin. I didn’t listen to what she actually wrote, but I’m guessing it went something like this:
You don’t know me, but I’m the hot lady your dad left you for. When you see this show, you’ll probably wonder why I got to bring my daughter but he wasn’t allowed to bring you. The simple answer to that is that hot women get whatever they want. I know it’s not fair…but it’s true and it’s best you start learning to deal with it now because it won’t ever change. One day, I might be your mommy, and you’ll get to meet my Ricki. She’ll probably be hot one day too, but that really doesn’t do you any good because if I’m your mom that would be gross. Sorry kiddo.
All the best, Em.
After that, they walk through something called a moon gate, which according to local custom grants each person who walked through it one wish. Emily wishes not to be single forever, you know, because hot famous women frequently become spinsters…and Doug probably wishes for sleeves that would fit over his comically oversized biceps.
Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives and the guys are all praying their names will be on it so they don’t have to go on the dreaded Thunderdome date. Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis, and Kalon’s names are called, leaving Nate, John, Alejandro and Michael with the possibility of receiving the 2-on-1. Nate says he’s dreading it because he’s not ready to go home yet. Funny, until this moment I didn’t know he was even there.
Returning to the 1-on-1, Doug E. NotSoFresh and Emily are sitting down to dinner. She wants to know his faults, to which he replies that he’s too good a father and his last girlfriend said he didn’t clean her car enough. Right, and my biggest weakness is that I work too hard. The only way you had a repeated fight with your ex-girlfriend about cleaning her car was if that was some sort of euphemism for taking her to pleasure-town.
But whatever, it’s not like Emily was particularly forthcoming with her faults either. “I wear my pajama pants to the mall?” Come on…she could wear Hammer Pants and she’d still be hot. Try again.
In the end, Doug gets the rose but is too afraid to smooch Emily. He says it’s because he hasn’t kissed a woman in a while and doesn’t want to make the first move. Well, I haven’t slept with a Victoria’s Secret Model in….ever, but do you think if one was sitting three glasses of wine deep right in front of me I’d let that stop me?? Balls out, Doug…balls out.
The next day the guys meet Emily at the local marina for the group date. Kalon is excited, declaring that this is his element. I’d have thought his element was a room full of debutantes and a mountain of coke, but maybe I need to brush up on my Bret Easton Ellis. Ryan says he doesn’t know jack squat about sailing, and judging by his hair, he clearly doesn’t know much about the proper application of hair products either. A lot of the guys are wearing hoodies, and I find myself hoping that George Zimmerman isn’t nearby.
After a brief lesson in sailing, the guys find out they’ll be breaking into teams and racing for a chance to go out with Emily that night. It seems a little unfair to have Arie on this date, since that’s the racing equivalent of having Derek Jeter on your rec league softball team, but screw it…I’m not there, so who cares?
At the hotel the 2-on-1 date card arrives, and it’s for John and Nate. The card reads “Let’s explore this Bermuda love triangle,” and I find myself thinking I’ve seen so little of these guys the Bermuda triangle could literally swallow them up and I wouldn’t even notice.
The boat race is pretty typical. One teams starts out ahead, the other teams comes back for a stunning win. It was all very Cool Runnings…you could almost hear them singing “Bermuda we got a boat race team!” And guess who comes up with the brilliant up and under move to win the day for his team? Yep, Arie. F#$king ringer.
Kalon, Ryan, Arie, and Jef win the race, leaving Charlie, Chris, Sean and Travis to sulk back to the hotel. Charlie even cries a little, causing me to subconsciously start singing “Cheer up Charlie” from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Damn you, Tim Burton…why did he have to ruin that movie?
At the after party, Ryan unleashes his inner Snidely Whiplash. He toasts to his teams win, and his possible future trophy wife. Em is offended, but honestly Ryan seems like the kind of guy that treats his trophies better than he treats most women so it might not be a bad thing.
Arie steals Emily away and works some magic. He’s definitely top 3 right now for sure. He says his feelings for her grow each time he sees her, and although I’m not entirely sure he was talking about his feelings, she seems to dig it. What was up with the kissing while walking though? I kinda hoped they’d trip over a log.
Jef gets some time in too, and I still can’t figure out his game. He’s either playing it cool and acting uninterested, which is genius because Emily is definitely NOT used to being unwanted so this has to drive her crazy…or he’s genuinely not interested and at this point is only hanging around because he’s secretly interested in Ricki. It would definitely explain the skateboard and boy band hair.
When Ryan finally gets his alone time, he unleashes his inner life coach, telling Emily “she’s been given a great responsibility and needs to make the most of it,” and that “God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman..” He goes on to say there’s a lot of depth to him, that he’s super mature, and that he’s not here to impress her, but here to make an impression upon her.
Now, I’m sure there is some editing going on here, but good Lord man…what are you thinking? I mean, don’t stop…please don’t stop. Every word you say makes me look better by comparison, but still…wow.
At the end of the night, Jef gets the rose and I notice for the first time that Kalon is there. I guess he figured the less he says the better. I agree.
The two-on-one date was one of the most excruciating things I’ve ever seen. Everyone looked super awkward, and I’m pretty sure the only reason John got the rose was because he was the lesser of two evils. Moving on.
Nothing too interesting from the cocktail party/rose ceremony, but there were a few highlights:
1. Ryan talking about how he’s called to bigger things, and how if this doesn’t work out he thinks God is leading him to use this position to be the next Bachelor. Yeah, because that’s what God cares about. Children are starving, disease is rampant, and there’s been a war going on for thousands of years in his son’s homeland, but God’s main priority is giving you 25 women to insult. Whatever you say, clownshoes.
2. There was also Jef’s outfit, which I called his Hansel and Gretel outfit while watching the show. Well, turns out it’s traditional Bermudian business attire, and I got some not so nice responses for making fun of it. Here is my response to that: stop dressing like overweight German kids, and I’ll stop making fun of you.
3. Chris confronts an amused Doug and expresses his frustration over Doug calling him immature by telling Doug he’s a grown-ass man. Here’s a good rule of thumb: If you refer to yourself as a grown-ass man, you are not a grown-ass man.
In the end, Emily bids farewell to Michael and Charlie. I was sad for Charlie, because he seems like a genuinely good dude. I don’t really know Michael, but I’ll certainly miss his inventive ways for keeping his hair out of his face.
Ok folks, that’s all for now. I’ll be back to entertain you in a week when Emily takes her short bus full of guys to London. The guys hone their acting chops, someone calls Ricki baggage, and Emily says a swear word!