IN A LEAGUE OF HER OWN

Greetings Bachelor Nation; it’s time for another fun(ish)-filled recap of…THE COURTNEY SHOW BACHELOR! This week takes us to spectacular Vieques, Puerto Rico. Everyone is super excited…well, except for Courtney.  She was just there two months ago because--I don’t know if you knew this--she’s a model. Oh, you didn’t? It’s probably because she never mentions it. She’s so modest.

Upon learning the ladies were traveling to Puerto Rico I found myself hoping someone would steal Courtney’s passport so she’d be stuck there, but I was informed that Puerto Rico is actually a U.S. territory so she doesn’t need a passport. Curses, foiled again.

First 1-on-1

The first date card arrives, reading “let’s find new love in old San Juan.” Only it’s written in Spanish, so no one but Emily understands it. Really, ladies?? It’s only the fastest growing language in the world. I bet if the Twilight series had been written in Spanish, you’d learn. 

Anyway, the first date goes to Nicki, and boy is she excited about it. Don’t get me wrong--I heart the girl, and most of the time I totally appreciate her zest for life. But someone needs to go refill her ADHD prescription immediately. Ben is also excited about the date because ‘Nicki brings out the kid in him,’ which isn’t hard to believe. She bounces off the walls like an 8 year old high on birthday cake, and her nails are bright yellow. She might as well be carrying a lunch box.

Ben arrives to pick Nicki up for their date, and we discover that they’ll be traveling to Old San Juan in…a helicopter! Again? Come on, guys…you’re on an island. Give us a hovercraft. Or jet skis. Even highly trained dolphins would suffice. That’s #2 on the season; if we get to five I’m submitting a formal letter of complaint.

Once they arrive in Old San Juan, the two basically just pal around town together. They get some shaved ice, and Nicki gushes that she’s doing things she’s never done before. Wait, you’ve never had shaved ice? Where did you grow up--Soviet Russia?

Inevitably, the sky falls (as it is wont to do in the tropics) and the happy couple gets drenched. Ben is really impressed the Nicki is rolling with the punches. Of course she is, Ben. People in the early stages of a relationship are ALWAYS more accommodating to one another. Add to that the fact that you’re the Bachelor and you’re on national television, and she probably wouldn’t mind if you accidentally shot her in the leg. But try dragging her around in a torrential downpour after you’ve gotten married, and let me know how it goes.

Once the rain subsides, Ben decides they should buy some dry clothes. He comes out dressed like what I would imagine Ricky Ricardo would look like after three days of heavy drinking, and she vaguely reminiscent of a tablecloth. Ben says he feels like he now has some Latin swagger. I don’t know if it’s the clothes or the pencil-thin inchworm of a mustache on his upper lip, but I can’t say I disagree. All he needs to complete the look is to be sitting on a park bench smoking cigars and playing dominoes.

They stumble across a wedding, which gives them an opening to talk about a more serious subject--i.e. Nicki’s first marriage. She was clearly hurt by the fact that it ended the way it did, and I feel bad for her. But she’s optimistic that this is her second chance at a fairy tale. At first I laugh at this statement, but then I realize she’s in competition with an evil queen, and lives with Grumpy, Whiny, Jersey, Tiny, Perky, Nerdy, Boobs, Bangs & Casper the Friendly Ghost. So in a way, she’s right. She’s the reality TV Snow White. 

(By the way, bonus points if you can accurately attach each girl to her dwarf name). 

In the end, Nicki gets the rose. I didn’t see a ton of chemistry between her and Ben, but she’s just so lovable there’s no way he could have let her go home yet.

Group Date

The Group Date Card arrives, teasing the girls with the famous words ‘Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.’ Everyone but Nicki and Elyse (who, by default, gets the second 1-on-1) goes on this date. The ladies are pumped by the titillating words on the date card (hehe…I said titillating), but much to their chagrin they find out they’re actually going to be playing some good old fashioned beisbol. I dig the play on words, Ben, but be careful--if I mentioned diamonds to my lady and then pulled the old bait and switch, I’d probably wind up with a dead horse’s head at the foot of my bed. And she’s not NEARLY as crazy as some of your girls.

To heighten the tension, the girls find out they’ll be split into two squads and play a softball game for the right to go on a date with Benicio that evening. Winners rule, losers…go back to the hotel (I swear; I had something for that). The ladies pick squads, and I find myself hoping that Courtney and Emily will be on the same team. No two teammates would have hated each other that much since Shaq and Kobe, or Barry Bonds and…anyone he ever played with. Unfortunately, my dreams were for naught.

Since there are 9 girls on the date, Ben has to choose one girl to play for both teams (or go both ways, depending on your preference for sexual innuendo). He chooses Lindzi, meaning no matter who wins, she can’t lose. She’s like the modern day Parker Lewis (additional points if you get this reference).

My favorite part of the game was Kacie B’s rally cry of “COME ONNNNNN, BITCHES!” So awesome. If Braveheart Mel Gibson met everyday life Mel Gibson and the two had a profane, inspirational baby Mel Gibson, that baby would be Kacie B. 

Anyway, the red team ultimately wins the game, prompting the blue team to prove that there IS, in fact, crying in baseball. The red team is whisked away to their beach date by…grr, what else…a helicopter (That’s 3!!!), and the blue team sulks back to their hotel in a beat up old school bus.

The after party is pretty standard by comparison. Lindzi says she wouldn’t mind continuing to be Ben’s MVP (cute, if cheesy). Courtney decides it’s time to bust out the big guns (and by big, I mean medium. And by guns, I mean boobs). And Kacie B is awarded the group date rose because, according to Ben, she’s a great listener and really gets him to open up. Hmm, who knew nodding and smiling was such a valued skill?

Second 1-on-1

I have to admit that up until this episode I hadn’t been a big fan of Elyse’s, primarily due to her accent, her rudeness to Shawntel, and her apparent obsession with self-tanner; but she really grew on me during this date. She seemed sweet, genuine, and easy to get along with. I wish we’d seen more of this side of Elyse during the first few weeks of the show.

Ben says he’s excited about the date because his feelings for Ashley really grew during their boat date, and he’s confident that feelings can really change on the water. It’s true…I once went from feeling perfect to throwing up in about ten minutes while on the water. Of course, I think that had more to do with the fish I ate than the company, but whatever.

I think Elyse might’ve been fine had she not made some fatal mistakes in her conversations with Ben. As soon as they sat down she unloaded on him that she’d left her job and missed her best friend’s wedding to meet him. I have a couple of thoughts on this:

1. How did she leave her job? Isn’t she a personal trainer? I thought her job was wherever the fat people are. Did they all miraculously get skinny when she decided to do the show?

2. This was a bad idea because it immediately puts pressure on Ben--like, ‘you can’t send me home because I gave up so much to be here.’ How is he supposed to be comfortable with that hanging over his head?

Then at dinner Elyse makes a similar mistake, saying she’s just ‘so tired of being single.’ The second I heard that I knew she was going home. Why? Because it makes Ben feel like she’s just looking for a guy, any guy, and that she doesn’t particularly care if it’s Ben or not. 

Given those mistakes, it wasn’t a surprise to me when Ben told her he couldn’t give her the rose. Still, I felt really bad for her as they took what had to be the most awkward moonlight stroll on the beach I’ve ever seen. Don’t worry Elyse, plenty of guys will be begging to do pushups for you in no time. Hell, Nick Peterson can even do them with you on his back. Just sayin.’

Skinny Dippiing:

When Ben arrives home from his ill-fated date with Elyse, he finds Courtney sitting on his steps, looking for a nightcap (is that what the kids are calling it these days?). In an ITM, she says she doesn’t know if Ben’s ever skinny dipped with a model before. I’m assuming by model she means something that’s long, skinny and doesn’t have much shape…which makes me wonder--does driftwood count? 

In his interview, Big Ben says he doesn’t think this is such a good idea, but then little Ben chimes in with ‘are you f**king kidding me?!? She gon’ get NEKKID!,’ causing Big Ben to come to his senses and say ‘Why the hell not?’As they stripped off their clothes, drunkenly stumbled into the ocean and proceed to get their groove on share an intimate moment, I found myself thinking that any girl that can convince a man to get butt-ass naked on national television is a force to be reckoned with. She might just run away with this thing.

From everything I’ve seen on this show (which, granted, might not be everything), Courtney is as manipulative and underhanded as they come…but I’ll say this for her: No one has played the game this well since Jordan. Girl can flat out ball.

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony

The highlights/lowlights of the cocktail party and rose ceremony are as follows:

1. Blakely meets with Ben and shares the fact that she writes down something she loves about him every day. She says the reason she’s still single is because she’s always been waiting for the perfect guy, but never really believed someone like Ben would be interested in her. Until now. It’s a sweet moment, and I have to admit that Blakely really grew on me this week. First her softball skills, and now this? Welcome to my top 5, m’lady.

2. Courtney says it bothers her to see the other girls spending time with Ben, but she’s confident because she knows none of them have the kind of connection with him that she does. I’m not sure she knows the difference between ‘connection’ and ‘penetration,’ but that’s neither here nor there.

3. Emily tells Benjamin that she hasn’t thought about Courtney all week, and wants to only focus on her relationship with Ben going forward, which of course means she promptly spends the next five minutes complaining about Courtney again. This leads Ben to warn her to ‘tread lightly,’ and ‘be careful.’ Which leads me to:

4. I was all but SURE Emily would be going home after her second foot-in-mouth incident, but out of left field (see, I’m keeping with the baseball theme), Ben decides to send JENNIFER packing instead. I’m sorry, what? Did I miss something? The same Jennifer you called the best kisser in the house? The same Jennifer that shared a really nice date with you LAST WEEK? No bueno, Benjamin. No bueno.

So that’s the show, folks. I hope everyone will join me next week when we head to Panama! But before I go, some awards from this week’s episode:

Line of the Night: A tie between Courtney's “Blakely is like a champion out there. Who knew strippers could play baseball?” and Courtney's "Maybe she drank too much and the Jersey Shore came out." (I might have to rename this award the Courtney award, as she seems to win it every week. She might be the female version of Darth Vader, but homegirl is funny.)

Irony Award: Courtney sporting the “Be Nice” t-shirt to open the episode

Awkward Outfit Award: A tie between Ben’s white linen ensemble and his “Beach tuxedo.” Well played, sir…well played.