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Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Ben the Bachelor--My Juvenile, Completely Uninformed Predictions For The Upcoming Season



Oh. My. God. Is it January yet?? Don’t get me wrong, I love the holidays…I love my grandma’s overcooked turkey, my crazy aunt and her penchant for prescription medication, I even love my mom’s obsession with family photos taken in matching pajamas. But if I have to dodge one more last minute shopper at the mall or listen to one more crappy pop rendition of Joy to the World (I’m looking at you, Bieber), I will honest to God lose my mind.

Thankfully though, the new year is just around the corner. And with it comes the hope of new beginnings, a chance to build on the successes of the year gone by and right the wrongs of previous mistakes. Maybe this is the year we finally get that promotion, or the girl we’ve been chasing. Maybe THIS is the year we all band together and tell Nickelback we’ve had enough. It’s a fresh start; anything can happen.

But you know what I’m MOST excited about in the coming months? That’s right, folks…the Bachelor is back. I won’t lie--I probably would’ve been watching anyway. What can I say? I’m a sap for stuff like that. But I’m especially excited this time around because I consider Ben Flajnik a good friend of mine. He’s a great guy, and I’m eager to watch him on his journey to find love.

Of course, just because I’m happy for him doesn’t mean I can’t have some fun with it along the way, right? Right. So I decided to make some predictions about the upcoming season. I watched some promos, took some notes, and then threw ‘em all out. Because let’s be honest, I was gonna make most of this stuff up anyway.

So without further ado--here they are:

1. The girls won't eat nearly as much protein as we did. On the upside, this means the bathrooms will almost certainly smell better. 
2. The girls probably won't play beer pong either. (8-0 baby!)
3. They will, however, go to the bathroom together more often than we did. But only by a little.
4. Every girl will cry at least once. And it won't be Will Holman's fault.
5. Ben will use more inflection in his voice in one episode the Brad did in two seasons.
6. The girl who arrives on the horse will go far. You can thank Ben's subconscious for that one.
7. The girl who convinces Ben to go skinny dipping will also go far. What? A bit of a wild streak is sexy…that's just science.
8. It will turn out that the friendly elderly lady who shows up at the house actually thought she was being taken to the Price is Right. 
9. The girl in the hat expected it to be sunnier.
10. There will be at least one model and one actress on the show. Both will be in it to find love. The nurses, though…they just want to promote their career.
11. The Mask will show up unexpectedly, and Ben will give him a rose. Just because, you know, that's a lot of estrogen for one guy to handle by himself.
12. Closing down a street in San Fransisco to make a ski slope will actually help the state economy. Mainly because at this point, how much worse could it get?
13. Ben will be a better cook than 2/3 of the ladies. It's true…dude's got skills.
14. The phrase for the right reasons will be used 143 times…in the first ten minutes.
15. Someone will get drunk and make a fool out of herself. She will subsequently be introduced to my friend Tim McCormack and they will totally hit it off. At least they think they hit it off…they can't really remember.
16. A contestant from a previous season will make a surprising return to the house hoping to find love with Ben. Most people think it's Shawntel, or Britt, or someone like that. I think it's Brad.
17. There will be rolling blackouts in Los Angeles because too many girls used their hairdryers at once.
18. One of the trips will be to Turkey. One contestant will withdraw from the competition because she is allergic to poultry.
19. Chris Harrison will not make eye contact with any of the contestants. This is for their own good, as staring directly into those baby blues has been scientifically proven to get 100% of women and 5% of men pregnant. 
20. And finally, over the course of filming, Ben will get seven massages, three head rubs, and a happy ending. (Get your mind out of the gutter people, I meant he's going to fall in love and get married…duh)

So that's it. I don't know about you all, but I'm really excited. Just 5 more days! I can practically smell the pheromones from here...