Well folks, we’ve officially arrived at the Women Tell All episode, the yearly catfight ABC rewards us with for watching 10 weeks of The Bachelor. Granted I haven’t seen very many of these, but this one definitely delivered. Since there wasn’t much in the way of plot in this episode, I’ll stay true to the catfight theme and pick out a few winners and losers from the fracas.
Winner: Britnee owned up to not being attracted to Ben, and left on her own accord to give more time to those who actually felt something for him. She was both honest and respectable. I’d like to say I would have done the same; but who knows? I was a little disappointed that her grandmother Sheryl didn’t come out to play, but perhaps our love is best left to my imagination.
Loser: Samantha. She’s gorgeous, but good lord that girl wouldn’t shut up. Thankfully Britnee (win #2!) put her in her place. I bet every time Samantha sees a chihuahua for the rest of her life, she’ll have to fight the urge to kick it.
Winner: Emily. She was insightful, well-spoken, and looked HOT in that dress. My only complaint is that the lack of straps made me waste my precious few remaining brain cells wondering how much double-sided tape she used to keep her boobs from falling out. Which actually brings me to…
Winner: Every husband and/or boyfriend who was forced to watch this episode by his woman thanks you, Emily. Your wit and intellect made it all worthwhile. What? That’s what I’d name them if they were mine. Or maybe The Captain and Tennille. I don’t know; it’s a toss-up.
Loser: Jenna. Poor chick went all Girl, Interrupted in front of America and she barely got 10 seconds of air time at the WTA. Maybe if it was called WTF, they’d have focused on her a little more.
Winner: Shawntel. She was beautiful and classy, as always, and received some much deserved apologies from the girls who treated her so rudely. You can embalm my cold, lifeless body anytime, chica.
Hmm, that sounded much sexier in my head.
Loser: Jamie. She told Ben if things didn’t work out with whoever he picked she would totally get fancy with him again, whereupon his penis promptly crawled up into his body cavity.
Winner: Elyse’s tanning salon. Good lord.
Loser: Me, for not going to that reunion. Looks like I missed my chance to be on Bachelor Pad 3.
Winner: Kacie B. She didn’t say or do anything particularly noteworthy, but she’s beautiful, sweet and seems very down-to-earth, so she’s always a winner in my book. I hear she’s a Vols fan, but she got the color orange right at least (Go Tigers!), so she gets a pass. Ditto for Nicki (except for the Vols part).
Loser: Anyone trying to figure out if Courtney’s a decent person or not. Do you take her for who she is around Ben--sweet, goofy and funny? Or do you take her for who she was around the other ladies--cruel, vindictive and snide? Do you trust her apology and her tears of remorse at the WTA, or do you assume her acting coach and agent have been working some overtime the past several weeks? I’m lost…I really am.
Winner: Jennifer. She didn’t really stand out to me as much as some of the other girls during the season, but boy did she look stunning last night. Hellooooo, nurse accountant!
So that’s it. Wow, I actually wrote a short blog for once. I’m so proud of myself I could cry. If only I could find the right acting coach...