A Day Late and A Dollar Short (or A Kiss is Worth A Thousand Tears)

I’m really angry at the producers of Bachelor Pad. This is a summer show. It’s supposed to be light hearted popcorn fare. The contestants compete for $250,000, create a little drama for us to poke fun of, and when it’s over we all go home no worse for wear. That’s how it works.

One thing this show is absolutely, unequivocally  NOT supposed to do…is MAKE ME FEEL THINGS! But apparently SOMEONE didn’t get the memo, and as a result the show hit just a little too close to home tonight.

Bastards.

Anyway, as the curtains open on this week’s Bachelor Pad, we pick up the action right where it left off with Kasey’s name being called and Jake being eliminated from the competition. When they cut the show the way they did last week, I was really hoping it was because Jake was going to punch someone, or pull a Scarface from Half Baked (f**k you, f**k you, you’re cool, f**k you, I’m out!).

So you can imagine my disappointment when he inexplicably takes the high road. Sure, he tells the other contestants that they need to vote out the power couples (something I agree with, by the way…how Kasey is still in the house at this point is just beyond me), but then he completely ruins it with the following exchange:

Jake: Kasey, great to meet you.

Me: What?? He’s been openly plotting against you since you walked through the door!

Jake: Vienna, I’m sorry.

Me: ARE YOU F**KING KIDDING ME? $250,000, Jake…250 grand! That’s what she took from you. And you’re sorry??

I’m sure he was just doing it so people would think he’s a good guy, but honestly, I liked Rated R’s exit better than this. At least it had balls. I bet Jake didn’t even curse in his limo ride home; I bet ABC just bleeped a random word so he wouldn’t look like such a goober. Too late!

Moving right along, there’s been another interesting situation brewing in the house for a couple of weeks. It seems Michael has developed feelings for Holly again, who misses Michael but is also developing feelings for Blake. In addition, Melissa, who’s apparently never dated before, thinks that because she kissed him a couple of times she ALSO has feelings for Blake. So Michael likes Holly who likes Blake, whom Melissa also likes.

Is there such a thing as a love square?

The next morning brings competition time, and you know what that means. Chris motherf**kin’ Harrison, bitches. He saunters in, and his presence alone gets 3 of the girls and one of the guys pregnant. He announces that this week’s competition will be…THE SECOND ANNUAL BACHELOR PAD KISSING CONTEST!

Much like the US credit rating, Standard and Poor immediately downgrades the awesomeness potential for this contest when the hottest girl in the house, Michelle Money, decides to abstain. (Hmm, I bet that’s the first time anyone has ever used the word abstain in a blog about Bachelor Pad). Nonetheless, I’m pretty excited.

The highlights/lowlights of this competition are pretty straightforward:

-William kisses like a 3^rd grader, shyly giving pecks because he doesn’t want to piss any of the other guys off.

-Ella gives America a lesson in kissing technique, and says Blake has ‘babymakin’ kisses. On an unrelated note, I decide she has one of the sexiest accents I’ve ever heard.

-Kasey has terrible breath (seriously, I’ve broken up with girls for having chronic bad breath, and this is a kissing competition. How did you not find an Altoid??).

-Erica really likes talking about those lip injections. (Shudder).

-And Blake and Holly straight up get AFTER IT. They realize it’s a competition and hold nothing back, sucking face with everyone they can get their lips on. I’m pretty sure they’d have tongued the camera crew if it helped them win.

In the end, Blake and Ella win. I’m not terribly surprised. Ella has great lips, and Blake has an EXTREMELY high level of confidence in himself. In almost any endeavor, including kissing, confidence in yourself and your abilities is incredibly important.

When Ella’s date card arrives, she chooses to take Kirk. As they pull away in a red Ferrari, William says if he’d know about the car he would’ve approached the kissing contest completely differently. Right…so you’ll whore it up for a ride in a shiny car, but not for $250,000 dollars? Seriously, sometimes I wonder about people.

Ella and Kirk both seem very nice, so I don’t have much to say about their date. They talk about her son, his illness, and what they’d do with the money. I notice Kirk avoids talking about taxidermy. Glad to see he learns from past mistakes.

When Blake’s date card arrives, I’m pretty sure everyone in America knows who he is going to choose, except Melissa. Despite all the events of the previous two weeks, she somehow still believes they have a romantic connection. I almost feel bad for her, until I realize that’s the most irrational line of thought I’ve ever heard. You’ve kissed twice, after which he told you he thought it was best that you didn’t continue. He has more interest in hair products than he does you…get over it.

But of course, when Blake chooses Holly, Melissa immediately goes all Mommy Dearest on that ass. Seriously, Hurricane Irene did less damage than Melissa. Sheesh. Unfortunately for her, however, all of her histrionics serve only to turn more and more people in the house against her. When one guy says ‘get this girl away from me,’ and another makes a reference to you cutting off his member, your chances of making it through to the next round don’t look good.

Which brings us to the part of the show that really affected me…

As I watched Michael ruminate on losing Holly, talking about all the things he should’ve done differently before she left the house, I found myself wondering why it’s always AFTER the person you love leaves that you realize the extent of how you feel.

When she was there, he wasn’t sure he loved her. When she was gone, suddenly he was. When she was there, you stubbornly clung to your ways. When she was gone, you’d have changed yourself completely just to get her back.

But why? We’ve all heard a thousand times that you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. It’s obviously a cliché because it’s true. But if we KNOW it’s true, then why are we completely incapable of doing a damned thing about it??

My heart ached for Michael because I’ve been dealing with those same feelings as of late. I don’t broadcast my personal life a lot, but I’ve been head over heels in love with a girl for a hot minute now and up until recently we lived together. I’ll spare you the details, but let’s just say that ultimately my unwillingness to change and/or grow up caused her to rethink our situation and move out.

Since then, I’ve realized the error of my ways and have been busting my ass 8 ways from Sunday to prove to her I can be the man she deserves. But see, that’s the rub. At some point, it’s too late. If you’re Michael, one day you look up and Holly is more interested in Blake than getting back together with you.  And all the pretty words in the world aren’t going to take her back to what you used to have.

If you’re me….well, I still don’t know what’s going to happen with me yet.

The point is, you could see that Michael was crushed when he told Holly the way he felt about her and she no longer reciprocated those feelings. And I felt awful for him. But as a beautiful girl named Maria once told me, you’re only a day late and a dollar short if you allow yourself to be. If we wait until the people we love are leaving to do what needs to be done, we have only ourselves to blame if it turns out to be too little, too late.

I know Michael will find happiness again in time if things don’t work out with Holly. He’s a wonderful guy with a lot to offer. And I know the same is true for me. But I also know that it doesn’t lessen the pain we feel in the moment. So I’m sorry, bud. I hate it for you.

(Side Note: Props to Kirk for being a good friend and trying to make Stag feel better. Sometimes a shot or two of whiskey is the best cure for an aching heart.)

Moving on, I have to admit that I absolutely LOVED Blake and Holly’s date. Maybe it has something to do with my love for snowboarding, or maybe it’s just that I know these kids and they’re both really cool people.  In any event, Michael’s pain aside, you can’t deny that Blake and Holly are really cute together. They seem to be completely at ease around one another, and always appear to be having the best time.

(Side note: I adored that Holly was a TERRIBLE skiier, but still had a blast doing it. It says a lot about a girl’s personality when she can let go of worrying about what others think and fully enjoy the moment. Kudos, chica.)

Back at the house, Melissa is still f**king nuts. She’s running around essentially YELLING at people not to vote her off. Yeah, because that’s going to work—people just LOVE when you bark orders at them. Yikes. Crazy-Town, Population: Melissa.

It’s pretty much a given that Melissa will be the girl going home (thank you sweet baby Jesus), but it’s unclear who will get the axe between Kasey and William. Since it would make WAY too much sense to get rid of the person with the most power, I’m guessing it’s going to be William.

When the rose ceremony finally rolls around, Melissa gets sent packing and you could almost see everyone’s posture relax a little as the stick in their collective asses climbs into her limo. And for the guys, it’s…drumroll please….WILLIAM!

I swear…do these people not realize that by helping Kasey and Vienna they’re screwing themselves out of 250 grand? I don’t know if you guys were aware of this, but SECOND PLACE DOESN’T GET ANY MONEY! The only conclusion I can draw is that Vienna is a witch (which wouldn’t really surprise me) who’s placed a spell over the house—“bubble, bubble, morons in trouble…”

I have to give William credit though. He got sent home because he wasn’t willing to stoop to some of the other contestants’ level. He played the game admirably, and while it only serves to confirm that nice guys finish last, I’m proud of him. Seems he’s learned from his past mistakes as well.

Until next week, dear readers—be well, do good work, and keep in touch.