Ok folks, I have a couple of weeks to make up for here so we’re gonna do this quick and dirty (that’s what she said).
To briefly recap last week’s episode:
1. Emily doesn’t have any friends. At least none that would agree to be on the show. Because if you expect me to believe that ABC didn’t pay that Benetton band of women to sit in the park with her…well, I hope you packed a lunch.
2. Ryan has never made cookies before. He stirred the batter with a f#%king whisk, for Christ’s sake. If this were Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark, a buzzsaw would’ve flown out of the kitchen wall and decapitated him. Or at the very least removed that god-awful half-hawk from his head.
3. Did you see Ryan’s face when Em suggested they were going to Chuck-e-cheese? He looked like someone had stolen his snack-pack. This is not a man who’s ready for the day-to-day travails of fatherhood. Not that I’m ready to be a dad either, but if it had been me, I’d have been disappointed when I found out we WEREN’T going to Chuck-e-Cheese. Come on…pizza? Skee-ball?? BOUNCY CASTLES?!? Hmm, I really wasn’t meant for this show, was I?
4. I’m not sure who jumped the shark on the group date—the Bachelorette or the Muppets. I mean, I get that Emily’s a mom and Ricki’s a big part of the show, so we’re obviously gonna do some kid friendly stuff…but some of this was just too weird. For example, what was going on with the whole Kermit—Miss Piggy—Emily love triangle? We can’t have sticks of dynamite blowing up in Wile E. Coyote’s mouth in cartoons anymore, but affairs and domestic abuse we’re okay with?
5. Remember the movie Newsboys? I think that’s where Stevie got his wardrobe for this date.
6. I just don’t understand Emily’s attraction to Jef. Don’t get me wrong, he seems like a really cool guy, but if he’s a day over 17 they should harvest his blood and study it. He looks like a singer for that really shitty boy band. What’s the one? Oh, right…all of them.
7. Joe should’ve known things were going downhill when he got off the plane in West Virginia. Honestly, this might have been the worst date in franchise history—a hotel so old it looks like it might still have slaves on back-order; I’m pretty sure the carpet was astro-turf, and I’d be willing to bet that every room had an assortment of those creepy little dolls whose eyes follow you everywhere you go. No thank you. Aside from having a fat dude with three teeth tell you to squeal like a pig, how could it have gotten any worse?
8. Oh right, you could GET DUMPED IN WEST VIRGINIA.
9. I’m pretty sure Ryan has never written a love letter before. 7 pages?? Christ, did he just write everything that was on his mind? “I think you’re really beautiful. I bet we’d make beautiful babies. My left sock is falling down. Do you wear socks? I bet you wear cute socks. I like to leave my socks on when I do it. My last girlfriend said it was weird, but sometimes I just get cold, ya know? What do you think people in England call English style Lager? Is it just Lager? Whoops, there goes my right sock…”
There you have it…episode 2 in under a page! Let’s see if I can do the same for Episode 3. And here. We. Go.
1. This week brought us our first danger-as-love metaphor, with Chris declaring that “climbing a building is a lot like love…you start at the bottom and work your way to the top.” Just once I hope they go shark-diving and someone says “marriage is a lot like shark-diving, one wrong move and that bitch will bite your head off.”
2. Chris wants to prove he’s mature despite only being 25, so he tells Em he went off to college at 17. I went to college at 17 too. Does anyone think I’m mature enough to be a dad? Exactly.
3 Chris asks Emily if he can kiss her ‘after this song is over.’ I don’t know if he just really liked the song or what, but fast forward five years and I bet he’s asking her if he can touch her boob after she finishes that glass of pinot. Sexy.
4. When he meets her friends, Ryan says he wouldn’t be okay with Emily gaining weight after they got married. “I’d still love you,” he says, “I might just not love ON you as much.” Excuse me? Nevermind the fact that Emily could put on 30 pounds and still be a 9.5 AT A MINIMUM, dude just put his foot so far in his mouth he’s going to be shitting toes for a week. Christ.
5. Not sure I’ve ever seen Sean on camera before, but in the fifteen minutes of airtime tonight he assured he’ll never be hurting for dates again. Well played, sir.
6. Second one on on date goes to Arie. Emily, apparently unaware of the axiom that states “those who do not remember history are doomed to repeat it,” packs up her racer in a small prop plane and heads to….DOLLYWOOD! Honestly, last week we went to West Virginia. This week it’s Dollywood. Thank God these kids are leaving the country next week, because the only logical next step here is cow-tipping in Myrtle Beach.
7. Seeing Em react to meeting Dolly Parton was cute. You have to give Dolly credit--she’s got implants older than Emily, but she still sings her ass off and her 47 year relationship with her husband is something all couples should aspire to. Much love.
8. If it wasn’t obvious before, Arie is the clear front runner here. You can see it in the way Em acts around him, and in the passion in their kisses. Second at this point is probably Chris, or Sean. A distant third and falling faster than Facebook’s stock price is Ryan.
9. Kalon loves listening to Emily talk, just not as much as he loves himself, or his mom. He’s got one more week, max.
1. Alessandro looks at children as a ‘compromise,’ but cousins as an ‘opportunity.’ I guess even in Brazil, it’s easier to walk across the hall than across the street.
1. In the end Tony goes home to his son, DJ Stevie dances his way back to New Jersey, and Alessandro rides off into the night to reclaim his rightful place as Gypsy King (which I assume means he’s going to ride around in a caravan and steal things from retail stores).
Next week: Bermuda! Cliff diving, Ryan continues his villainous turn, and Nate finally speaks! (maybe)