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Tuesday, May 29, 2012

The Gypsy King of Compromise

Ok folks, I have a couple of weeks to make up for here so we’re gonna do this quick and dirty (that’s what she said).

To briefly recap last week’s episode:

1.     Emily doesn’t have any friends. At least none that would agree to be on the show. Because if you expect me to believe that ABC didn’t pay that Benetton band of women to sit in the park with her…well, I hope you packed a lunch.

2.     Ryan has never made cookies before. He stirred the batter with a f#%king whisk, for Christ’s sake. If this were Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark, a buzzsaw would’ve flown out of the kitchen wall and decapitated him. Or at the very least removed that god-awful half-hawk from his head.

3.     Did you see Ryan’s face when Em suggested they were going to Chuck-e-cheese? He looked like someone had stolen his snack-pack. This is not a man who’s ready for the day-to-day travails of fatherhood. Not that I’m ready to be a dad either, but if it had been me, I’d have been disappointed when I found out we WEREN’T going to Chuck-e-Cheese. Come on…pizza? Skee-ball?? BOUNCY CASTLES?!? Hmm, I really wasn’t meant for this show, was I?

4.      I’m not sure who jumped the shark on the group date—the Bachelorette or the Muppets. I mean, I get that Emily’s a mom and Ricki’s a big part of the show, so we’re obviously gonna do some kid friendly stuff…but some of this was just too weird. For example, what was going on with the whole Kermit—Miss Piggy—Emily love triangle? We can’t have sticks of dynamite blowing up in Wile E. Coyote’s mouth in cartoons anymore, but affairs and domestic abuse we’re okay with?

5.     Remember the movie Newsboys? I think that’s where Stevie got his wardrobe for this date.

6.     I just don’t understand Emily’s attraction to Jef. Don’t get me wrong, he seems like a really cool guy, but if he’s a day over 17 they should harvest his blood and study it. He looks like a singer for that really shitty boy band. What’s the one? Oh, right…all of them.

7.     Joe should’ve known things were going downhill when he got off the plane in West Virginia. Honestly, this might have been the worst date in franchise history—a hotel so old it looks like it might still have slaves on back-order; I’m pretty sure the carpet was astro-turf, and I’d be willing to bet that every room had an assortment of those creepy little dolls whose eyes follow you everywhere you go. No thank you. Aside from having a fat dude with three teeth tell you to squeal like a pig, how could it have gotten any worse?

8.     Oh right, you could GET DUMPED IN WEST VIRGINIA.

9.     I’m pretty sure Ryan has never written a love letter before. 7 pages?? Christ, did he just write everything that was on his mind? “I think you’re really beautiful. I bet we’d make beautiful babies. My left sock is falling down. Do you wear socks? I bet you wear cute socks. I like to leave my socks on when I do it. My last girlfriend said it was weird, but sometimes I just get cold, ya know? What do you think people in England call English style Lager? Is it just Lager? Whoops, there goes my right sock…”

There you have it…episode 2 in under a page! Let’s see if I can do the same for Episode 3. And here. We. Go.

1.     This week brought us our first danger-as-love metaphor, with Chris declaring that “climbing a building is a lot like love…you start at the bottom and work your way to the top.” Just once I hope they go shark-diving and someone says “marriage is a lot like shark-diving, one wrong move and that bitch will bite your head off.”

2.     Chris wants to prove he’s mature despite only being 25, so he tells Em he went off to college at 17. I went to college at 17 too. Does anyone think I’m mature enough to be a dad? Exactly.

3    Chris asks Emily if he can kiss her ‘after this song is over.’ I don’t know if he just really liked the song or what, but fast forward five years and I bet he’s asking her if he can touch her boob after she finishes that glass of pinot. Sexy.

4.     When he meets her friends, Ryan says he wouldn’t be okay with Emily gaining weight after they got married. “I’d still love you,” he says, “I might just not love ON you as much.” Excuse me? Nevermind the fact that Emily could put on 30 pounds and still be a 9.5 AT A MINIMUM, dude just put his foot so far in his mouth he’s going to be shitting toes for a week. Christ.

5.     Not sure I’ve ever seen Sean on camera before, but in the fifteen minutes of airtime tonight he assured he’ll never be hurting for dates again. Well played, sir.

6.     Second one on on date goes to Arie. Emily, apparently unaware of the axiom that states “those who do not remember history are doomed to repeat it,” packs up her racer in a small prop plane and heads to….DOLLYWOOD! Honestly, last week we went to West Virginia. This week it’s Dollywood. Thank God these kids are leaving the country next week, because the only logical next step here is cow-tipping in Myrtle Beach.

7.     Seeing Em react to meeting Dolly Parton was cute. You have to give Dolly credit--she’s got implants older than Emily, but she still sings her ass off and her 47 year relationship with her husband is something all couples should aspire to. Much love.

8.     If it wasn’t obvious before, Arie is the clear front runner here. You can see it in the way Em acts around him, and in the passion in their kisses. Second at this point is probably Chris, or Sean. A distant third and falling faster than Facebook’s stock price is Ryan.

9.     Kalon loves listening to Emily talk, just not as much as he loves himself, or his mom. He’s got one more week, max.

1. Alessandro looks at children as a ‘compromise,’ but cousins as an ‘opportunity.’ I guess even in Brazil, it’s easier to walk across the hall than across the street.

1. In the end Tony goes home to his son, DJ Stevie dances his way back to New Jersey, and Alessandro rides off into the night to reclaim his rightful place as Gypsy King (which I assume means he’s going to ride around in a caravan and steal things from retail stores).

Next week: Bermuda! Cliff diving, Ryan continues his villainous turn, and Nate finally speaks! (maybe)

Friday, May 18, 2012

She Said A Minivan Full of Babies, Brent...not Teenagers

Man, Emily’s hot.

That’s literally the only note I took through the first 15 minutes of Monday’s premiere of the Bachelorette. I even went back and rewatched it after I realized I didn’t have anything more significant to add, and all I came away with that time was:


Fortunately, the oxygen eventually returned to my brain and I was able to focus (sort of) for the rest of the episode.

There’s never too much plot development on the first night so I won’t waste anyone’s time with useless exposition. Rather, I’ll just pick out some winners and losers from Night One:

Winner: Ryan. Emily is a charming, unassuming Southern woman with impeccable manners to match her good looks. So it makes sense that she would like Ryan, who is basically the male version of her. I’m not sure what was going on with dude’s hair, but he was laid back and friendly. I like him. And I’m sure it didn’t hurt that he appears to have been carved directly out of marble.

Loser: Lerone. Well, at least ABC tried. Don’t get me wrong…he seemed nice. But come on; couldn’t the token black guy have at least been…Black? I know, I know…expecting that there be some fundamental difference between a black person and a white person is racist in and of itself. Trust me, I get it. All I’m saying is this is the first minority representation this show has had in…I don’t know…ever, maybe, and they had to kill it by making him the most neutered looking black guy on earth? Don’t take my word for it; look at the stats: he sells real estate and owns a dog so effeminate most women wouldn’t be seen with it. Really? This was our big ballsy foray into the unknown? What, was Carlton busy?

Winner: Jef. I have to be honest. I saw this guy’s picture and had the following initial reactions: 1) he’s 14, 2) he looks like an extra from 21 Jumpstreet…the TV show, and 3) there’s no way anyone who rides a skateboard and wears that much denim is going to be a good match for Emily. Well, the jury is still out on the first two, but I have to admit I was wrong about the third one. Jef was, as Emily purred, very cool. He was charming and confident, and he did it without even really appearing to try. Color me impressed.

Loser: Wolf. Wolf, Wolf, Wolf…what were you thinking, buddy? Did you expect Emily to say ‘oooh, that sounds sexy,’ or ask if you bite? I’m sure there’s an awesome story behind the name. It probably involves Vegas, and strippers, and coke, and being chased through the desert by a pack of wolves when you tried to bury the body. Hell, I’m getting excited just thinking about it. But there’s a time and a place, Wolf. And this wasn’t it. I guess the only thing I really wanna know is…team Edward or team Jacob? Definitely team Jacob, right?

Winner: Arie. She said she thought you’d look hot in a race car. You’re automatically safe through Week 5, at a minimum.

Loser: Travis. Come on, an egg? I raised an egg in 7th grade. Did it die? Yes. Did it meet its end when I threw it at my science teacher’s house on a Friday night? I can neither confirm nor deny that information. The point is while I get what you were trying to do, it came across more as childish than capable. But on a positive note, I’m really excited to see what becomes of the egg. I bet a bijillion dollars someone gets drunk and cooks it. What will Travis tell Emily then? Ricki was delicious?

Winner: Stevie. Stevie gets the slipping through the cracks award. I can’t see anything that he did to deserve a rose, but hey…he lives to fight another day. I will say this for him, he’d have killed on our Jabawockeez date.

Loser: The dude who busted out the quote. He was so unmemorable that I honestly can’t remember his name, but the image of him getting down on one knee and proudly proclaiming that ‘life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away. Groannnnnnn. Look, I gave a girl a broken compass so I’m obviously okay with cheap gimmicks, but what was the thought process here: “hey, you’re cute…I’m gonna bust out a quote you probably had on a magnet in college.”

Winner: America. Everything I’ve seen since the premiere is Kalon is a douchenozzle. Kalon is an asshat. Kalon is a Belieber. These are of course all terrible things, and most likely true…but I think we may be missing the point. America should be thanking Kalon, because he’s going to make these first few weeks of this show watchable. See, the love story never really begins until week four or five when real connections start forming. Until then, we ‘d be lying to ourselves if we said we didn’t enjoy the pettiness and drama. And if there’s two things I feel confident Kalon brings to the table, it’s pettiness and drama.

There were others I liked, and cringed for. In the like column were Chris (the bobbleheads were a creative gift), Doug (who played the single parent card to perfection), Aaron (who looks like Haley Joel Osment and Cam from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off had a baby), and the South American wonder twins (aka keepers of the producers’ stash). 

In the cringe column were Randy and his grandmother, Brent's six kids and a nametag (this is the Bachelorette, not a damn PTA meeting!), Tony proclaiming himself Prince Charming, Michael’s shoulder length hair (get a haircut, hippy!), and Joe (i.e. Dawson Leary) screaming and having a small seizure when he saw Emily (in all fairness I probably would have too).

All in all, I’d say this season is shaping up to be a great one. The previews looked intense—a lot of dudes crying, Emily saying f#&k, and Ricki becoming the youngest reality tv star this side of Toddlers and Tiaras. I don’t know about you all, but I can’t wait!

Epilogue: I promise future blogs will be more timely…had a lot going on this week. Sorry!