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Tuesday, August 16, 2011

The Tin Man Finds a Heart

Annnnnd we’re back!

First off, can we all say a collective thank you to ABC for mercifully reigning the show back to 2 hours this week? There’s only a certain amount of this stuff you can watch in one sitting without starting to feel dirty.
Let’s see, where were our walking personality disorders when last we left them?
Jake, who was temporarily spared from elimination last week after winning the immunity challenge, is back in the hot seat.  To recap: There’s exactly one person in the house that likes him (Gia), and he pissed her off last week by giving his safety rose to Crazy Eyes Vienna. On top of that, the only person in the house who came off douchier than him is already back in Canada oiling himself up and rolling around with half-naked men. Soooo yeah, safe to say you don't have a lot of room for error here, bud.
(Unrelated Jake observation: He’s the Tom Cruise of Bachelor Pad--short, uber smiley and completely out of his damn mind.)
Jake says something about having a huge target on his back, and even though I find myself wondering how big the target could possibly be when he buys all his clothes at Baby Gap, I decide to let it go....

Until we cut to the next scene and...they’re painting targets on everyone’s back? It’s obviously for the next immunity challenge, but what is the game? I pause my TV for a second and write down all the things I hope they do here:
1. Flaming arrows shot from 100 feet 
2. Darts
3. Egg Toss
I restart my tv...and it’s egg toss! I was a little disappointed at first, but egg toss made my top 3 so it’s not a complete loss. 
Chris Harrison, who has the most amazing job in history...
Actually, you know what, I want to address this. Seriously, the guy is on tv for five minutes a week. What does he do with the rest of his time? He could be a spy. Or Batman. Or maybe he just does drugs and Taiwanese hookers. I don’t know...point is, he CAN do anything he wants. Such is the responsibility free life of our host.
But I digress. Anyway, Chris explains the rules of the game. He will ask a series of revealing questions and each throwing contestant must throw a paint filled egg at the targeted contestant they feel best represents the answer to that question. Since this show is built around humiliation, I already know this is going to be fun.

The women are first to throw. To make a long story short, Jake gets hit with a lot of eggs. The only interesting part here is when Chris asks the ladies who is the least deserving of the $250,000. First to be hit is Graham, who only helps KIDS IN AFRICA. So that makes sense...he’d probably do something good and selfless with the money, and in a house full of greedy narcissists, that kind of evolved thinking doesn’t fly. Second is Ames. This one I tend to agree with. Ames would give the winnings to charity in a second, so it isn’t because of his motivation; it’s the fact that Ames is probably worth more than the gross national product of several countries already. So, you know, he really doesn’t need the money.
It comes down to Jackie and Melissa. I’m rooting for Jackie, because she seems sweet and Ames likes her. Jackie’s got a pretty good arm too, but unfortunately she misses her last throw and Melissa wins.
Next up it’s the guys turn to toss some eggs. It’s a shame I’m not on this show, because I’d have been good at this competition. I mean, not that I went around in middle school egging people’s houses or anything...I would NEVER have done THAT... (Sorry, Ms. Stegmaier!)
There isn’t much to say here other than ERICA...GOT...WORKED. William summed it up perfectly when he said: [Erica’s] back looks like Picasso went to town on it. Least deserving of the money? Erica. Most likely to cheat? Erica. Least attractive? In what I’m pretty sure was a unanimous egg poll...ERICA! 
She has a mini breakdown at the end of the competition and I find myself almost feeling bad for her until she throws Ella under the bus, saying Ella is bigger than her, and adding that she doesn’t find her very attractive. Classy.
(Unrelated Ella observation: She would be a perfect Disney villain. She just has that look. She’s like a cross between Kristin Davis and Cruella Deville.)
Anyway, this competition comes down to Michael Stagliano and Jake. In a moment that almost restores my faith in humanity, Stag wins.
When the date card arrives, Michael chooses to take Erica (presumably to make up for assaulting her with eggs), Michelle (because she’s hot), and Holly (because he ‘totally loves the sh!t out of her’). Melissa goes very 3rd Reich with her choices, choosing Kirk, Kasey, and Blake. Geez, blonde hair, blue eyes much? The only way you could get more Aryan right now is if you start goosestepping...
...(waiting, hoping)...
Sigh. Moving on.
Michael Stagliano’s date takes him and his ladies to...A HAUNTED INSANE ASYLUM?? I’m sorry, what?? I mean, don’t get me wrong; some of these kids seem legitimately cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, but come on, Fleiss. This is a bit much.
First Stag has alone time with Erica, and they hold a seance. Some girls might find this creepy, but Erica insists she isn’t easily scared. She shouldn’t be. You think a ghost who has to spend eternity wandering around that asylum wants to make themselves even MORE miserable by having to hear that nasal monotone of hers all night? I think not.
Then Michael and Michelle spend some time in a dimly lit chapel, sitting in the middle of a circle of candles next to a bottle of Jack. For a minute I’m not sure if they’re about to get their freak on or perform an exorcism.
Ultimately though, this date ends up being what you knew it would be all along: The Michael and Holly show. And it doesn’t disappoint. I was all set to make fun of these two, but their conversation is so genuine and heartfelt that I just can’t bring myself to do it. They seem sweet and appear to have really cared for one another. You can tell there’s a lot of pain there, but they’re handling the horribly awkward situation they’ve put themselves in very well. For that, they earn a pass from me. For now. 
(Unrelated Stag note: “[Love] is worth so much more than 250 grand.” Agreed. I like this guy more and more every time he talks.)
Oh, Holly gets the rose. Obviously. If you ever had any doubt, subtract five points from your score and go sit in the corner for an hour.
(Unrelated Mask note: I really wanted to see a Mask cameo in the Asylum. I mean, come’ve got him cooking colored eggs in a pink bathrobe, but you don’t use him in the ASYLUM...where a guy slinking around in a creepy mask would’ve been PERFECT? Sigh.)
If Michael’s date was the embodiment of making the best of a bad situation, Melissa’s date was the polar opposite. She takes her guys out on a yacht, where she forms an alliance with Kasey and promises to give him the safety rose. But as soon as Blake shows a little leg, she forgets her promise, gives Blake the rose and spends the rest of the night sucking face.
(Couple of Unrelated Blake Notes:
1.  He said he felt like a prostitute, because he was ‘whoring himself out’ for money. This is incorrect. Prostitutes get paid for their services. However, in exchange for YOUR services, you only receive a CHANCE at the money. So basically, you’re playing the whore lotto. You’ve entered a whore raffle. Congratulations, check under your seat for your whore prize! But I digress. Blake starts to talk about something else, but we quickly remind him that we don’t pay him for his words. Go make daddy his money, baby...
2.  Blake got a lot of hate for his actions last night. People were even comparing him to Bentley. I would have thought this was obvious, but there is one critical difference between the two situations: Bentley played Ashley just to do it. Blake’s doing it for 250k! This is a GAME people...someone has to play.)

Back at the Jake and Vienna show, Jake is freaking out pretty hard about the possibility of getting eliminated. In fact, he gets so desperate that he actually attempts to go to Vienna for help. Obviously, it isn't going to work, since the only way Vienna is ever going to help Jake is if he has a gun to his head and needs help pulling the trigger. But she takes it a step farther and refuses to even hear him out, as Kasey isn’t around to guard and protect her eardrums.
Blake and Holly are off getting some alone time, and I notice Blake is wearing a wife-beater. I find myself wondering why, but write it off, assuming that’s just what male prostitutes wear. Melissa decides to interrupt them, obviously, because she’s spent one night kissing him and this must mean they’re dating now. Blake says it doesn’t surprise him that she’s still single at 32. Really?? I think she’s a catch! Melissa, if you’re reading me sometime: 867-5309.
As everyone is getting ready for the Rose Ceremony (read: furiously sucking up to anyone and everyone), I notice that Kasey is giving off a very distinct Godfather vibe tonight. He has this smug look of self-satisfaction every time someone comes to him for help, like ‘yes, I’ll help you...but first, you must kiss the ring.’ 
But just as Kasey and Vienna are about to put a decapitated horse’s head in Jake’s bed, Chris Harrison comes in from tasing a homeless guy for crack, or wherever the hell he’s been, and announces that the game has now changed--instead of one guy and one girl being voted out of the house, tonight it will be two girls. At first that seems unfair, but then I realize you can do those kinds of things when you make the rules up as you go along.
Vienna is initially so put off by this chain of events that she tries to instigate a walk off. Yeah Vienna, as if everyone else is going to give up a shot at a quarter million dollars because you can’t co-exist with your ex-fiance. I know, it’s sooo hard. Just look at Stag and Holl...oh, right.
Anyway, at this point Gia feels like she is on the outside looking in, and she’s probably right. Earlier in the day, she’d made a move to break up the power couple, Kasey and Vienna. Her only mistake was going to Graham, who was in Kasey’s back pocket all along and immediately ratted her out. Feeling as if she was definitely going home, Gia had a couple of drinks, gave a few people a piece of her mind, and called it day. I can’t say that I blame her--I wouldn’t have wanted to give Kasey the satisfaction of booting me either--but I’m definitely going to miss her.
Gia. Gia, Gia, Gia. Le sigh.
After that, it comes down to Ella and Jackie. Ames and Jackie go to Kasey seeking safe passage, and he agrees to provide it to them. But Ella forms an alliance with Kirk, whom Kasey feels he needs on his side, prompting Kasey to say: ‘When there’s money on the line, do you do what’s right...or go for the money?’ 
In the end, Kasey goes for the money and Ella is safe, at least for another week. Jackie is voted off, and in a moment straight out of a movie script, Ames decides to go with her, giving up the money and pursuing a chance at love. In short, he is the anti-Kasey.
Watching Ames and Jackie ride off into the sunset, I couldn’t help but think of the Wizard of Oz. Ames, our beloved tin man, who started down the yellow brick road toward love so long ago, was finally going home. His path had taken him from Los Angeles to Las Vegas, to Thailand and Hong Kong. And now, as the Tin Man climbed into his hot air balloon (limo) and sailed away from Oz (the Bachelor Pad mansion), he felt hopeful for the future because he’d finally found the one thing he was looking for all along: A heart.


  1. Lovely (that last bit), funny and acerbic - thanks West!

  2. you're the man. my favorite blog, by far!

  3. I'm impressed! Love ur blog!

  4. I never really laugh out loud when I'm reading something alone or watching something alone, but I just gave your five posts a look and I can't tell you how many times I had to pause to laugh hysterically. You're absolutely brilliant in your style of writing. And of course it's awesome that you have an insight to BP2 being a part of Bach-Nation and all. Well done, West. Just book marked for future entertainment and can't wait to see more. And by the way, I wouldn't give up Saturday TV either. 4.5 months of college football is the only reason to suffer through the rest of the year.

  5. So frigin good. This is just the kind of humor I need in the morning. Glad I decided to follow you on twitter. Go write a book or something.


  6. Do you think William meant Pollock not Picasso? Of course I didn't see the show, I only rely on your blogs...but Pollock would seem more likely with paint filled eggs...

  7. Very nice. I honestly feel like I watch the show just to enjoy your writing more, not the other way around.

    I love Holly and Michael together. They're so sweet.

  8. I love your insight on Chris Harrison. I wonder what else he does with his free time too...