When the lights come up on this week’s Bachelor Pad, the remaining contestants are sitting around with a dazed look in their eyes. At first I think it might be sadness due to William’s departure, but then it dawns on me—I’ve seen that look before.
Every time there’s a natural disaster and some enterprising (read: exploitative) reporter does an interview with a family that’s just lost everything, you see that same expression. It’s hollow, as if the destruction they’ve witnessed has left them incapable of feeling anything at all.
In short, I think Hurricane Melissa f**ked these people up.
But just as Kanye West is about to declare that Barack Obama doesn’t care about Bachelor Pad people, Chris ‘FEMA’ Harrison strolls in to announce that the game has AGAIN changed. He informs the contestants that they’re to partner up, because from here on out they’ll compete as couples, and ultimately win, or lose, together.
“Oh, one more thing,” Harrison adds, “you MIGHT want to get to know your partner.”
Blake immediately gives Holly the googly eyes, but much to his chagrin she’s promised her loyalty (in the game, at least) to Michael Stagliano. Since Blake and Erica are the only two that don’t already have partners, they’re forced to couple up. Erica acknowledges that he probably wanted Holly to be his partner, but she thinks this ‘is the best thing that could have happened to Blake, because I’m smarter than Holly…and hotter too.’
Anyway, Erica is a little put off that the animosity towards Blake could get her sent home as well, but the prospect of getting some from a dentist puts her in a better mood. She does know that dentists don’t do lip injections, doesn’t she?
The next morning it’s time to play “The Nearlywed Game,” which as Michelle explains is basically a knock off of the Newlywed Game with a slightly different name, presumably so ABC doesn’t get sued. Chris Harrison, dressed in his best gameshow host attire, explains that he will ask each contestant a question, and also ask their partner to guess what their answer would be. For every match, the couple gets a point.
Kasey and Vienna are smug as ever, thinking that because they’ve been a couple for six months, they’ve got a leg up on the other contestants and are going to ‘smoke’ the competition. I remember them saying something similar about the egg toss, and before that about the hook up competition, and obviously that didn’t work out well for them…but even a blind frog finds a lillypad every now and then, right?
Some highlights from the competition:
-Vienna says she needs 22 dates before she will have sex with someone. Now, I’m not very good at math, but if she slept with Jake Pavelka, Dave Good, Wes Hayden, and now Kasey, she’s gone on a LOT of dates in the past few years.
-Erica says she only needs 3 dates to make whoopee, adding “I’m kind of a slut.” Since I appreciate honesty, I now take back the lip injection comment I made a few paragraphs ago.
-Holly claims it takes her 14 dates before guys get to see her O face, but Michael says only 3. This prompts her to add that she didn’t sleep with Stag for 32 dates. Either she’s exaggerating, he has a terrible memory, or he’s intentionally calling her a slut for getting with Blake in front of him. Regardless, awkwarrrrrrrrd.
-Vienna says the thing her exes miss most about her are her boobs. Kasey says her teeth. They’re both right about one thing—it’s definitely not her personality.
-Vienna thought Kasey had an IQ of 177. This would make him smarter than Einstein…the man who developed the theory of relativity and the atomic bomb. The very prospect is so mind-boggling that I can’t even think of a good joke to make about it.
-Blake and Holly admit they want to do each other, which prompts Stag to admit he doesn’t like Blake very much and sometimes ‘wants to punch him in his perfect, ridiculous dentist teeth.’ How long do you think it’ll be before Stag goes to the dentist again after this—a year? Five years? Never? Not only is Blake ripping out Michael’s heart, he’s probably sealed the fate of his teeth as well.
-Asked which contestant they hate the most, the house UNANIMOUSLY chooses Blake. On the upside, this probably gives him a better understanding of how his partner felt during the egg toss competition.
-Kasey was TWENTY-ONE when he lost his virginity. I’m not going to say anything else about that…just putting it out there.
-Asked who he thought was the most irritating person in the house, Kasey wrote Ericka. At first it appears to be a simple misspelling, and I find myself making fun of his super-‘jenius’ IQ. But then it occurs to me that maybe he put the ‘ick’ in Erica on purpose. I laugh.
-Graham says he lost his virginity at seven, but just as Chris Harrison picks up the phone to call protective services, it’s revealed that he and Michelle developed a strategy where they would give the answer 7 for any numerical question, and Michael for any non-gender specific question. Great strategy, and even though it feels a bit like cheating, no one ever said the answers had to be true.
-Graham and Michelle win, with Blake and Erica coming in second. The first place couple gets a rose and a date, while second place gets no rose, but also gets to go on a date.
-Oh, and Kasey and Vienna…they came in last.
Erica knows that because she and Blake didn’t win the competition, they’re on the chopping block, so she immediately starts politicking. I find myself agreeing with her as she tells Stag that his anger should be directed at Holly, not Blake, as she is the person with whom he has a history. But as a wise man once said, Stag is ‘putting the p*ssy on a pedestal,’ so he doesn’t listen.
A helicopter arrives to take Graham and Michelle on their date and everyone freaks out, despite the fact that this is roughly the 376th time they’ve used a helicopter on these shows. They’re off to a private screening of “What’s Your Number,” and it’s actually a pretty cute date. They seem into each other, and Michelle is wearing a bikini the whole time. So, you know, that’s a plus.
Back at the house, Vienna doesn’t want to have sex with Kasey. It occurs to me that no one in the house seems to be able to say no to the guy except her. The V in Vienna might stand for vindictiveness, villainy, vanity or vampire, but in Kasey’s case, the one thing it definitely DOESN’T stand for…is vagina.
They get in a big argument about it in front of everyone…because, why WOULDN’T they; it’s only national TV for Christ’s sake…during which Kasey takes back his promise ring, and then threatens to leave the house and screw them both out of the money if Vienna doesn’t come downstairs and ‘snuggle’ with him. It’s right about now that I stop being surprised he didn’t lose his virginity until 21. His whole argument: ‘but you said you were gonna!’
I swear, I know 5 year olds with better logic.
Not wanting to lose a shot at $250,000 because of a pouting toddler, Vienna eventually assents. Vienna may not be one of my favorite contestants on Bachelor Pad…hell, she might not even be one of my favorite people in a room full of convicted felons…but she accurately sums up how I’m starting to feel about this show when she finally succumbs and says: “Let’s get this over with.”
Blake and Erica’s date take them to the beautiful Spanish style Mission Inn in Los Angeles. Their date card says their ‘mission is romance,’ and Erica responds that she hopes she ends up in the ‘mission’-ary position. I chuckle, despite myself.
At dinner, the two find a pair of roses on the table. At first they think they might be for them, but it turns out their mission is now to save another couple. They think this puts them in a position of power, but I interpret it as a sign that the producers are ready for them to go home.
To make a long story short, after that…Sh!t. Gets. Awkward. While I agree with Erica’s main point that by staying away for the night, Blake might help save the team from elimination because people could interpret it as a sign that he isn’t trying to steal Holly anymore, the prospect of her trying to lawyer him into having sex with her is one of the least attractive things I’ve ever witnessed. She basically said ‘you should do me, and here’s a flow chart I made explaining why.’ It was bad.
Of course Blake, who by this time is falling for Holly in a major way, refuses. He laments that Erica is his second straight partner that could screw up his game by letting her emotions control her actions. The irony of this situation is that Erica is actually the one thinking straight. Horny though she may be, her sexual advances also have a clear strategic motive, while Blake is now the one letting his heart run the game.
When they arrive back at the mansion, Blake and Erica set about finding someone to give the safety roses to. The obvious choice is Kirk and Ella, but Kasey promises Blake and Erica that if they give him and Vienna the roses, they will be safe. For some reason, they listen.
Seriously, what IS it with this guy? He’s been in the bottom two for two weeks in a row, yet he CONTINUALLY manages to manipulate everyone into giving him what he wants. It’s like some kind of weird muppet hypnosis. Or maybe his IQ really IS 177. Either way, yikes.
When it comes time to vote, Kirk and Ella, upset that they weren’t awarded the safety roses, vote for Blake and Erica. Michelle and Graham decide to vote the same way. Blake and Erica vote for Kirk and Ella, as do Kasey and Vienna. This leaves Holly and Michael as the deciding votes.
Holly tries to persuade Michael that it would make more sense to vote Kirk and Ella off, but for Stag, it’s personal. He says that as his partner, Holly should have his back. He then leaves Holly to choose between him (her best shot at the money) and Blake (her heart). It’s very Sophie’s Choice…only, you know, WAY less meaningful.
In the end, Holly chooses not to hurt Michael anymore than she already has and casts the deciding vote to send Blake and Erica home. It clearly hurts her to do so, but both she and Blake know that what started between them isn’t over, and that gives them comfort. Hell, maybe next time they see each other, she’ll be 250k richer. That’ll probably pay for 14 dates (Bow chicka wow wow!)