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Wednesday, September 14, 2011

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night

Goodbyes are sort of bittersweet, aren't they? It almost doesn't matter what you're saying goodbye to. It can be the best relationship you've ever had, or that really annoying Serbian exchange student your parents imported during high school. In that instant just before you part ways, somehow things begin to look a little...rosier. 

Suddenly everything takes on a golden hue, and I've Had the Time of My Life comes on the radio. You kNOW you have to go, but then you remember the good times, and for a moment you consider staying.

In a wierd way, that's kind of how I feel about Bachelor Pad. While it was happening, all that needless drama made me want to rip out my eyes and stuff them in my ears. But I couldn't look away. Now that it's over, I'm already starting to miss Vienna's crazy little eyes. I miss Ames's vacant stare. Melissa's assault on that yogurt, and Kasey's...singing?


I'm no psychiatrist, but I think I've developed Stockholm Syndrome for a tv show.

But I need to face it...it's over. It's time to move on. Sad, but at least I'll be able to go back to telling my friends the truth about what I do on Monday nights.

But first, one last look back....

THE ODD COUPLE

The finale opens with the four remaining couples occupying space on the couch. Also, there's a giant elephant in the room. Holly just sent her boyfriend home on a note and a prayer so as not to piss off her ex-fiance, who also happens to be her ticket to $250,000. The awkwardness is so thick I can actually hear peoples' butt cheeks clinching. 

Disfunction, thy name is Bachelor Pad. 

WALL FLOWERS




Fortunately Chris Harrison arrives and breaks the tension by announcing that the next competition will be in Vegas, performing with Cirque De Solei. Everyone seems really excited.

Whatever, talk to me when you've danced with the Jabbawockees...

When they arrive in Las Vegas, the teams find out they'll be dancing vertically on a large metal wall. Michelle and Ella immediately tense up. The wall definitely seems a bit daunting, but they'll be held up by harnesses, and you have to think--these people do this for a living. How dangerous could it be?

I guess what I'm trying to say here is--sack up, ladies, it's a quarter of a million dollars.

The teams practice, and for the most part it's pretty routine. You have the part where Kasey and Vienna argue, the part where Michael talks about how hard it is to still be in love with Holly, and the part where Ella  and Kirk talk about how much they deserve the money. 

There were a couple of lines that made me laugh, though. They both occurred between Stag and Holly:

(While choreographing their routine)--
Holly: I'll kick you, and then you'll fall all the way down like 'ahhhhhhh'
I bet $50 bucks that in that moment, Stag was thinking 'you mean like you did to my heart?'

(During an interview)--
Michael: Holly and I just aren't syncing up right now.
Me: Who knew dancing on a large metal wall could be a metaphor for your relationship?


SHOWTIME

Michelle and Graham are the first to dance, and Michelle's anxiety gets the best of her. They do ok, but neither seem confident that they'll win. Kirk and Ella follow suit, and are equally unimpressive.

Then out of nowhere Kasey and Vienna actually turn in a pretty impressive performance. For a second, I think they might win something for once. Suddenly nothing makes sense anymore. Gravity ceases to exist and my dog goes floating by my face.  A pig knocks at the door and asks to borrow some sugar. But then the universe shifts back into balance, and Michael and Holly run away with the thing. 

Kirk and Ella are voted the worst 'wall dancers,' and are immediately ejected from the House. Ella feels like she let Kirk down, but she didn't. Both of them sucked. Still, they were both very likable, and I'm sorry to see them go.

DEATH OF A SALESMAN

Back at the house, Michael and Holly are tasked with the responsibility of picking one couple to come to the finals with them, and one couple to send home. It seems obvious to me that Kasey and Vienna should be kicked to the curb, but they've made it this far...no reason to start believing in logical reasoning now.

Stag approaches K and V first. Kasey attempts to sell Michael on that fact that he and Vienna know they won't win if they're taken to the finals, and Stag almost buys it. I find myself thinking Kasey might be the best used car salesman in history. Every week he manages to sell someone a Pinto, and they pay Ferrari prices.

But ultimately Stag and Holly decide loyalty is more important, and take Graham and Michelle with them to the promised land. Vienna cries, lamenting that Kasey had been the one to form the alliance, and now he was being stabbed in the back.  

Et tu, Stagliano?

IF YOU LIKE IT, PUT A RING ON IT

It's reunion time! All our favorite jilted contestants are back--Gia the Gorgeous, Rated R the Baby Rapist, and William the....wait, where's William? 




To make a long story short, Jake and Kasey play nice; Vienna plays pretend; and Blake just plays. Well, that's Melissa's view anyway, who admitted the she 'just isn't very good at reality tv.' Gee, you think? Although honestly, maybe that's not such a bad thing. Anyway, Jackie looks hurt that Ames dumped her, and Ames just looks confused. I just want to hug the poor girl and tell her that robots are at LEAST another 50 years from being able to feel real emotions.

The real story here is Blake and Holly. Blake finally admitted to America that he was crazy in love with Holly, and then he proceeded to prove it by donning the most god-awful checked blazer I've ever seen.


Oh, and he proposed.

She said yes. :)

This is of course awesome news, and leaves me feeling pretty great. Until Michael gets on stage and it's revealed that he didn't know the two were engaged until that very moment. 


Crickets. And butt cheeks.

I have to hand it to the guy though. In the face of the worst possible circumstances he was never anything but kind. Much respect, my friend.

WINNERS CAN BE LOSERS TOO



The former cast members vote on which couple should win the money. If Kasey and Vienna had been in the finals, I think the vote might have been unanimous in favor of MIchael and Holly. But with Michelle and Graham, I'm less sure. She's a single mom whose dad just passed away, he does great work for charity, and they're cute together. I could totally see them winning.

But in the end, Holly and Michael win. They choose to share the money, and it seems only fitting. They endured a lot to get to this point, especially him. He may not have gotten the girl, but but the cash is a nice consolation prize. What's the saying? Money may not buy happiness, but it certainly makes misery more comfortable.

BEN THE BACHELOR




I don't have much to say about this, other than I'm super excited and I think Ben is gonna be the best Bachelor yet. Maybe if you're lucky, I'll blog about it ;-)


8 comments:

  1. Buttcheeks.... :) I like that! You are too funny!

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  2. No, no, no, you didn't mention psychiatrists. They are altogether like MD's for writing scripts.

    I totally agree with you about Blake regarding the kindness he displayed. Through it all, he remained true to himself. "To thine own self be true."

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  3. You better blog about Ben's season! Please, please, please?!

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  4. I think Ben will be a boring bachelor. Would be okay if he was cute and boring, but he's not cute. And he's totally just all about promoting his wine.

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  5. Good one man. I enjoyed getting to know these people over the last month...or at least, the producers perspective of said characters. Also, without utilizing a soap box, I find it wild the groundling evolution of pop lit terms. At no fault to elizabeth, above, because she was probably taught that by a bad high school school english teacher....yet that quote is said by Pilonius to Laertes...not by Hamlet. Laertes is about to go to school abroad dvds his father ould him aside and gives him a laundry list of cliches of what to do.....and the tone is really a mocking one...in juxtaposition to Hamlets character. So, Shakespeare never intended that line to mean what it does today. Ha, its like chauvenistic. If you ask anyone, they probably think of a mysoginistic pig, when the quotes really just means greatly patriotic........yet again, its definition evolves through a misnomered grapevine.

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  6. So long, farewell, au revoir,auf wiedersehen.

    So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu.

    Nice!

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  7. Oh please please blog about Ben's Bachelor season!! I'll watch it just so I can read your blog!

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  8. You sure have a thing for buttcheeks. You must tense yours up during difficult situations. I look forward to your blogs during Ben's season. I always enjoy your witty commentary!:)

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