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Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Gingerbread Hookers

And we’re back! I know, I know, my blog is a little late; but the national championship game was this week, and my testicles demanded that I watch it. I hope you understand.

At the outset of the show the girls find out they’re headed to Ben’s hometown of Sonoma, California. Ben says he wants to give the girls a taste of what life there is really like, and see how they fit in. The camera then cuts to shots of the ladies flying to Sonoma, landing, and drinking wine in the back of CJ-5s as they are driven to their destination. Now, I’m no expert on the California legal system, but I’m pretty sure that’s a blatant violation of open container laws. But hey, on the bright side Jenna should be thrilled--if life in Sonoma involves bad decisions involving alcohol, she’ll fit right in.

Ben comments that he has great memories growing up in Sonoma with his family, and wonders what his late father would think of him now. I never knew Ben’s dad so I won’t speculate on what he’d say, but if my dad found out I was dating 25 beautiful women on an unlimited budget, he’d do two things:
1) Give me a high five.

Anyway, upon arrival Ben immediately gives out the first date card of the week…to Kacie B. Kacie is definitely one of my top five. She’s sweet and unquestionably beautiful, with long brown hair, chestnut eyes and a great smile. Of course, it’s possible that I’m just a bit biased as she reminds me of a certain Italian girl I know, but whatever…I’m okay with that. 

For Kacie’s date, Ben will be showing her around Sonoma, which prompts her to say that ‘she’s the luckiest girl in the world right now.’ This is of course false, since Blue Ivy Carter is the current holder of that title. Stripper name notwithstanding, her parents are worth three quarters of a billion dollars, and her babysitters will include the likes of Chris Martin, Gwyneth Paltrow and Rihanna. So, I’m sorry Kacie, but she wins.
(Side note: I bet when Blue Ivy was born, Kanye ran into someone else’s delivery room and said “your baby is great and all, but Beyonce just had the best baby of all time!”)

Anyway, Courtney (who I’m sure in reality is a very sweet girl, but just LOOKS bitchy) is hoping Kacie won’t come home from her date because ‘she annoys her.’ At first, this confused me, but then I remember that it actually has a strong basis in history--after all, the evil queen HATED Snow White.

Kacie’s date begins with a stroll around the town of Sonoma.  There was the attempted piano duet, which made me thankful talent segments aren’t a critical part of getting a rose. There were the ‘random’ people who ‘spontaneously’ decided to say hello, and there was the stroll through the local general store.  A couple of thoughts from their time in the store:
1. I thought Kacie’s question about how many licks it took to get to the center of the huge tootsie roll pop was cute, although I call BS on Ben’s answer of three. If his tongue was good enough to get to the middle of that thing in three licks, some girl would’ve snatched him up a LONG time ago.
2. Major cool points on picking out the Kasey…err, Kermit…lunchbox.

As they are leaving the general store, Kacie says she has something embarrassing to tell Ben. Nervously, she reveals that when she was younger…she twirled a baton. Whew…for a second I thought she was going to tell him about that time she and I took off all our clothes and…wait, why am I telling you this?

Ben gets some lessons in baton twirling, and subsequently remarks that most men wouldn’t do something like that for a woman. Really?? Here’s a short list of embarrassing things I’ve done for women:
1. Gone to the ballet.
2. Written poetry.
3. Written and performed a song in front of a crowd of people.
4. Gotten a pedicure.

Soooo yeah, most guys WOULD do that for a woman. Hell, if the right girl busted out a baton I’d have put on a sparkly unitard and lit both ends on fire. But maybe that’s just me…

Moving right along, next up Ben and Kacie go to a quaint looking little restaurant for dinner. They talk about Ben’s father, and it’s sweet to see how happy he seems to be when re-living those memories. Overall, these two seem to have an easy connection and really enjoy each other’s company. I haven’t seen any real ‘spark’ yet, but Ben seems to be digging her nonetheless.

Back at the house, the group date card arrives. I went on two group dates during my stay on The Bachelorette, and I have mixed feelings about them. I think they afford you the opportunity to do some really fun things that you wouldn’t get to experience in a one-on-one setting, such as dancing with the Jabawockeez or renovating an orphanage, but at the same time you have a LOT less time to get to know the man or woman you’re trying to date. As a result, things end up getting a lot more competitive and much less intimate.

The women selected to go on the group date are Brittney, Rachel, Jennifer, Blakely, Jenna, Shawn, Monica, Samantha, Jamie, Nicki and Jaclyn. The date card reads “Come play with me--Ben.” I find myself thinking that sounds naughty, but that’s probably more an indicator of who I am than anything else.

Back at the one-on-one date, Kacie gets the rose. Obviously. If you ever had any doubt, subtract ten points from your score and go sit in the corner for an hour. Next, the two head to a local theater to watch old home movies. I halfway hoped Ben would try the old hole in the bottom of the popcorn trick, but then I remember this show is on ABC, not Cinemax. Sigh.

Watching three year old Kacie ham it up for the camera made me think of how I used to do the same thing when I was little. In my day, I did a mean Pee Wee Herman impression…only, you know, without the arrest for public masturbation. 

Seeing Ben get choked up about his dad was sad, as I know how hard losing a loved one can be. Even years later, sometimes it sneaks up on you and catches you when you least expect it. But  I thought he handled it really well, and sharing that experience with Kacie probably made them feel much closer to one another. Still, she should slow her roll a little--”I think I could have found a lifetime of love?” You’ve had one date, chica. Will Holman was on cloud nine after his first date too, and we all know how THAT ended up.

The next day, we find Ben in downtown Sonoma…wearing white jean shorts? Look, one of my favorite things about Ben is his unique sense of style. There were several times during our stay in the house together where I found myself commenting on how awesome his threads were, in large part because he isn’t afraid to go against the norm and do something different. The downside to this approach, however, is that sometimes you end up wearing things like bright orange tank tops or white jean shorts. 

Oh well…

When the girls arrive for the group date, the very first thing I notice is that Blakely is wearing a romper she appears to have purchased from Baby Gap. Blakely has made some questionable style choices thus far--her first night dress looked like a pastel circus tent, and my general outlook on rompers is that they’re never okay unless it’s 1953 and you’re asexual. But her enormous cleavage must be clouding my thought process, because this time I’m willing to give her a pass.

Blakely says there a lot of girls competing for Ben’s attention, so she wants to make sure he sees her. At least I think that’s what she said--I wasn’t really listening. And at least I think it was Blakely--I wasn’t really looking…at her face.

The ladies find out they’re going to be auditioning for and acting in a children’s play. Ben remarks that he wants to see how the girls are with kids. Next we see a bunch of auditions from people I didn’t even recognize, but there were only two that mattered anyway:
Nicki--she is looking for her prince charming, and makes a joke about finding him in the park while looking directly at Ben. It’s a pretty cute moment…until the kids ask her to show off her ‘sexy dance,’ at which point she decides to perform the sprinkler. I’m glad they didn’t ask for her non-sexy dance. 
Also, Nicki makes a comment about how it’s turning her on to see Ben around the kids. I’m pretty sure that’s NOT where your head is supposed to go around children. Just ask Jerry Sandusky.
Blakely--her audition consisted of jogging in slow motion and hopping around the stage like an ape. Think that had anything to do with her cleavage? Meanwhile, in their interviews the kids sum up the current consensus on Blakely pretty perfectly--the little girl made a derogatory comment about her boobs and said she didn’t like her, while the little boy sat there with his mouth open and stammered ‘she did…good.’

Next up it’s costume time:

-Jenna is dismayed that she’s been cast as a wizard in a beard. What I love about this is everyone knows Jenna is going to go off the deep end at some point; so with every little shove you’re on the edge of your seat wondering ‘is this it?? Is this where she goes all Britney Spears on someone?’ It’s pure entertainment.
-Blakely is cast as the gingerbread man, which is simultaneously the best and the worst decision of the day. It’s the best because she’s around children and her hoo-has shouldn’t be in everyone’s face like that, and it’s the worst because…well, you know.
-This situation did provide the best line of the episode though, when Samantha asked ‘what do you get when you cross a gingerbread man with a hooker?’ She says Blakely, although I’m still pretty sure the correct answer is Lindsay Lohan.

In comparison, the play itself was actually pretty standard. Generally, I find kids’ plays to be pretty excruciating. I should know; I forced my parents to attend several of them and they STILL talk about it. But I actually liked this one…everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves and really got into it.

Later, at the after-party, Ben asks Blakely where her style comes from. I’m pretty sure it’s the junior miss section at JC Penney, but she says she doesn’t know. Meanwhile, the other girls reallllly dislike her. In fact, Samantha dislikes Blakely so much that it sets off her IBS and she spends the next half an hour in the bathroom. Poor girl.

Back at the house the date card comes for the next day, and it goes to Courtney. Her reply to this is ‘winning!’ Courtney, you’re certainly a good looking girl, and you definitely have Ben’s attention…but not even Charlie Sheen says that anymore. Try harder, please.

(Side note: I did, however like it when she broke out the Miss Congeniality song: ‘he wants to kissssss me.’ Yes, I’ve seen Miss Congeniality…don’t judge.)

Returning to the group date, the girls are chicken fighting in the pool and even though Monica loses to Rachel, she still manages to get a brief boob grab out of it…which kinda calls into question your definition of losing. 

Jaclyn makes the remark that Blakely is super fakely, which rhymes. I find myself thinking that Jaclyn is super not-cute. That doesn’t rhyme, but it’s still true.

At the end of the night, Ben says he wants to give the group date rose to someone who really owned the day and night, and made the most of her time with him: Blakely. The girls are appalled, but this reminds me of a lyric from my favorite Bob Dylan song: “and the times they are a boooobiesssss.”

Second One-On-One
I’m not going to waste a lot of your time talking about Courtney’s date…let’s just say it went just like every other date a super hot girl has ever had with a nice guy: 

Super Hot Girl: “I never go for the nice guy; I always fall for the jerks…but I think it’s time I went for the nice guy. 
Nice Guy: Nodding head, mouth open, unable to believe this is actually happening.

Now, I’m not saying that Courtney wasn’t being genuine when she said she felt something for Ben. For all I know they had the same easy connection that Ben had with Kacie; only this time the spark of attraction was very evident whereas it wasn’t before. But for whatever reason the edit Courtney is being given makes her seem like she is only in this thing for herself. This is evidenced by her fawning all over the rose she is given, talking about how much she likes it and basically molesting it while barely making mention of Ben. Again, I hope for Ben’s sake that I’m wrong, because he seems to be all about her.

Cocktail Party:
The only real highlights of the cocktail party were as follows:
--Ben talked to Lindzi, who continues to come across as more and more down to earth and likable as time goes on. She talks about spending a lot of time outdoors, driving an F350, and being very unaccustomed to wearing makeup as most of the time ‘her makeup is dirt.’ I actually believe all this, since the 6 pounds of bronzer she is wearing suggest that at the very least she’s being honest about the last part. She’s in my top five for sure. 
--Blakely maintains that she doesn’t care what the other girls think and that she’s only there for Ben, which I can respect…except that when the girls eventually turn on her, she ends up crying in the luggage room. Just like I always say--’you show me a girl that says she doesn’t care what other girls think, and I’ll show you a girl who cries next to a suitcase.’
--Courtney, who all in all fairness is pretty freaking hilarious, comments on the in-house cattiness, saying (with a straight face) "it's like a war out there," before taking a long sip of wine.
--My buddy Justin happened to walk into the room during a scene when most of the girls were in the room together. His comment: ugly, ugly, ugly, eww, ugly, cute (Emily), hot (Nicki), ugly, and can you get me her number? (Lindzi).

Rose Ceremony Eliminations:
Shawn--we never really got to know much about her, which is sad because her introduction made her seem nice, but that happens every year. C’est la vie.
Jenna--she predictably had a full on meltdown at the cocktail party, and another one following her elimination, but it was so pathetic I didn’t even really feel right talking about it. I just hope her blog hits go up ( and that she enjoys her time on Bachelor Pad 3 this summer.

So that's it for now. I'm a little bummed that Jenna's already gone, but it looks like next week we'll be treated with the return of a former cast member! Any predictions for who it could be? I'm excited! Anyway, until then dear readers...good night, and good luck. 

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