3 Hours Is a Long Time...Just Ask Gilligan

I don’t want to be trite and say the best part of last night’s Bachelor Pad 2 premiere was when it ended, but in this case it really was. All that drama, and still the most memorable part of the entire show was when “Jeff” The Mask “Medolla” (dammit Kasey, your inability to use air quotes is rubbing off on me) scaled the fence and broke into the Mansion to use the crapper. 

(Side Note: I’ve used that toilet...not that big a fan.)

But a lot of other stuff happened before that. Or at least it should’ve; it WAS a 3 hour premiere, after all. And surely ABC wouldn’t have needlessly made it an hour longer just to get extra advertising revenue...would it?

(Realizing this is the way the world works; temporarily considering stabbing out my own eyes.)

You know what, it’s probably best not to think about it. Let’s get to the recap.

First things first: HUGE mistake to make it a rule that you have to drink every time someone cries. I don’t know if Chris Harrison was reading my tweets or what, but not even a minute in I was three shots deep. Not a good sign.

Secondly: ABC has a basically unlimited budget for these shows. They travel around the world, go on elaborate dates, and put the contestants up in first class accommodations. So how is it that Chris Harrison got stuck wearing a tie that looks like it was washed, dried, and then run over by a dump truck? Did he let his kids pick it out? Sigh.

Also, there are so many things I love about Chris Harrison, his dry sense of humor (I’m serious; dude’s hilarious), his ability to get just the right ‘clink’ sound from a glass of champagne...but there are also a couple of things I don’t like. One, stop saying the most ____ in Bachelor/ette/Pad history. When you say it 8 times a show, it kills the meaning. Two, please don’t act like these kids are here ‘for a second shot at love.’ I’m sure some of them are open to finding it along the way, but to act like their primary motivation isn’t $250,000 and 15 more minutes of fame isn’t just lying to yourself, it’s lying to America.

Anyway, moving on...it’s time for the introductions!

First out of the gate is Justin ‘Rated R’ Rego. At first I thought he might be repentant about having had a girlfriend back home during Ali’s season...you know, so America would stop hating him. But then I remembered two things: 1) he’s Canadian, so normal rules of logic don’t apply to him, and 2) he’s a freaking tool. He says the ‘R’ in Rated R stands for revenge. Incorrect, sir...it actually stands for ‘rat-bastard.’

Next up is Jackie. She’s a cute brunette from Brad’s season whose chances of winning his heart were hurt by the fact that Brad’s season was littered with cute brunettes and she didn’t have the necessary levels of crazy to stop the runaway Money train. As we see a shot of her painting (she’s actually very talented!), she says she’s really hoping to find love through this experience. And of course, she still REALLY doesn’t care for Michelle. 

Speaking of Michelle, she’s our next intro (funny how that works). Starting at her shoes, which appear to have fallen in a vat of tie-dye, the camera pans out to reveal...SHE’S WALKING DOWN THE STREET! I have to hand it to you Mr. Fleiss, that’s riveting television right there.

Michelle says she was known for being the girl who was ‘a little too aggressive' on Brad’s season. That’s putting it lightly. To be more accurate, it was like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. She got her pods in Brad’s head and almost managed to choose how his season played out for him. That’s what hot girls do to you--they slowly take over your brain until before you know it you’re sitting at the ballet wondering how on earth this was YOUR idea. Or maybe that’s just me...

In real life though, Michelle is a very sweet girl, and her intro showed that. She’s playing the game for her daughter and her dad, who was recently diagnosed with cancer. She seems genuine, funny and likable. I’m rooting for her.

And then there's Gia, the girl so hot they’ve had her on the show twice and it's only the second season. We get some gratuitous shots of her doing her bikini model thing, for which I’m exceedingly grateful, then she busts out a clipboard and gives us the skinny on her life for the past year. Apparently she had a boyfriend, then came on the first Bachelor Pad and met Wes. She fell for Wes, dumped her boyfriend, and then Wes cheated on her with Vienna. So obviously doing Bachelor Pad was a terrible decision that she wouldn’t want to make again, right? Wrong...I swear, something about Canadians, swimsuit models, and logic.

Which brings us to Vienna, who has one of the most serious cases of crazy eyes I’ve ever seen. I really don’t know what everyone sees in her. I mean, she’s attractive and all, but is it worth all that drama? There’s no way she’s above the Vickie Mendoza diagonal on the Hot/Crazy Scale. If you’re unfamiliar with the Hot/Crazy Scale, check out this clip from one of my favorite shows, How I Met Your Mother: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zADosF3XoQ.

Anyway, in the year since she broke up with Jake on national television, Vienna has moved on to Guard and Protect Your Heart Kasey, or Kermit the Frog after he crawled out of the water and became a real boy (yeah, I'm mixing my cartoon metaphors here, but you get the point).

So of course Kasey is next. He has one of the best intros on the show. Aside from saying protect more times than an under armor commercial, he says he’s afraid Vienna will hurt him because he doesn’t think she loves him as much as he does her (sorry bud, but I don’t think Succubuses know how to love). Then he gives what might be the best line of the night: “I’m gonna go take a Jake, and wipe my Pavelka.” 

This opens the door for the turd-burglar himself, and the first shot we see of him is flying  an ugly yellow jet that looks like it was made from lemon wedges. I’m going to be honest, I pretty much tuned out everything he said after that.

I don’t really know what to say about Erica Rose that she didn’t say herself in that monotone Daria-esque voice of hers. She’s entitled, comes from a trust fund, and wears tiaras like they’re going out of style. She wears four of them in her intro alone, and I find myself hoping that’s four times the number of weeks she’ll last on the show.

Next up is Graham Bunn, who I’m pretty sure is actually DJ Qualls in disguise. Everything I hear about the guy is how hot he is, which I find completely confusing. The only conclusion I can reach is that he’s gotten a hold of some Sex Panther. (60% of the time, it works every time).

Then comes Ella, who I’ve honestly never heard of before. She seems sweet enough though, and wants to use the money to give her kid the things she never had. I can respect that.

Holly and Michael both talk about their devastating break-up, and both agree that they’d rather not see each other on Bachelor Pad. And since this show is based on awkward confrontation, it’s already basically a given that the two will have to team up on the show.

(Side Note #3: Really, Stag? Did you have to tear up during your intro? My liver can’t take all these shots!)

Apparently even with 3 hours to work with, there isn’t enough time to give everyone an intro, so we jump back to Chris Harrison (whose tie is still mangled). He gives his spiel about love, heartbreak and drama, and everyone in America nods impatiently as if to say: ‘it’s been over half an hour, I’m already drunk, and no one’s even gotten out of the limo yet!’ 

And finally, as if on cue, a limo arrives.

Some thoughts on the entrances:

1. Shout out to my season 7 cast mate Blake Julian, rocking the Bradley Cooper look with the black blazer and black shirt. Respect. He says he’s here to win 250k, and maybe a few hearts along the way. You’ve already got mine, bud.

2. Somewhere there’s a half-naked ostrich freezing his butt off so you could wear that skirt, Holly. Enjoy it.

3. I don’t care what ‘fashion expert’ Natalie Getz says, Graham, cardigans make you look effeminate. Period.

4. Rated R thinks love is a waste of time, much like his respiratory system is a waste of oxygen.

5. If Vienna is trying to keep Jake away from her, she’s off to a good start with that dress.

6. Amessssssss! I get so excited whenever I see that glassy, confused look in his eyes. I’d say the concussion must still be affecting him if I didn’t know he always looks like that.

7. Gia. Gia, Gia, Gia. Le sigh.

(Side Note #4: Blake’s saying “I hope it’s Gia, I’ll tell you what.” 2nd best line of the night.)

8. I think Michael Stagliano was inhaling helium balloons in the limo ride over. Either that or he’s a TERRIBLE liar.

9. William promises not to make any girls cry. Somewhere Ashley Hebert is still not laughing.

10. And finally, there’s Jake. I don’t know what it is about the guy, but I tune out literally every time he’s on screen. Make it’s the disingenuous way he carries himself. I don’t know. But I did tune back in for this little exchange.

Jake: How are y’all?

Kasey: It’s a little cold out here. 

(I don’t know if Kasey meant that to be a euphemism, but well played if so.)

Jake: [awkward small talk about the weather]

Kasey: Yeah, I think it’s gonna rain (my fists all over your dirty fame-whore face).

(Of course he didn’t say that last part, but you could tell he was thinking it.)

(Side Note #5: Kasey Kahl is a walking quote machine. “I’m mentally beating the crap out of him,” had me rolling in the floor. Is there a mental fight club? Is the first rule that you don’t think about it?)

Shortly thereafter, Jake pulls Kasey aside to talk/apologize. Two things suddenly become very clear to me: 1) Jake is tiny. Like Tom Cruise tiny. Overhead storage on an airplane tiny. 2)He wants everyone to like him so bad. Poor little fella.

Heart-to-heart notwithstanding, Kasey still seems intent on sending Jake home at the first rose ceremony. I have to say, I wasn’t a big fan of Kasey's during his season, but I’m starting to really like the guy. 

Then its time for Chris Harrison to do his Chris Harrison thing and explain the rules of the game. He explains that whoever wins the immunity competitions will not only be safe from elimination, but will also have a rose to give, thereby making someone else safe as well. He adds that strategy is very important, and judging by the look on Ames’s face, he’s never considered that before. It’s okay buddy, your IQ is higher than the rest of the house combined. Wing it, you’ll be fine.

The next morning, it’s competition time. The guys are rigged in a harness and hung above mattresses on the ground below. The girls are to wrap their arms and legs around the guys (subtle, Fleiss, reallllll subtle) and hold on as long as possible. Simple, right?

Not for William, who somehow by the grace of God got paired up with Gia. I’m telling you right now, I’m a skinny dude...but if I had that girl wrapped around me it would take a pack of wild dogs, a gun to my head AND a Clemson game on tv for me to let go. I mean, it may very well be the closest he ever comes to bedding a swimsuit model. Still, he lets go first, and those two are eliminated.

I’ll spare you the rest of the details and skip to the end, since that’s really the only part that matters. The last two teams hanging are Jake and Jackie, and Kasey and Vienna. Kasey and Vienna both go on and on about how they refuse to lose to Jake. Unfortunately, Kasey’s legs, which are turning purple at this point due to lack of circulation, aren’t cooperating. He eventually drops Vienna, which prompts a minor meltdown on her part, and Jake and Jackie win the competition.

Jake takes the victory as a sign that “Jake the Bachelor is back, and the game has now changed.” I, on the other hand, take it as a sign that there is no God.

Jake and Jackie go on a date, but ultimately Jake decides to give the rose to Vienna the next day. He pulls her and Kasey for an ‘apology,’ which on a scale from 1 to completely insincere, ranks about a 376. If you’re going to apologize to someone you supposedly loved for treating them badly, you do it in private, where it might mean something, not on national television.

Some other stuff happens, but I cooked myself some dinner and took my dog for a walk.  The show was 3 hours! What do you want from me??

Finally...and believe me I do mean finally, it’s rose ceremony time. The two contestants most people seem to be gunning for are Rated R and Alli Travis. Allegedly, it’s because they were playing both sides. This must have happened while I was away, because I have no idea what they’re talking about. I honestly didn’t even know Alli was on the show until just now. 

There is a small push to have Kasey eliminated instead, as certain people view him as a bigger threat. This attempt is masterminded by Blake, who I have to say impressed me by going all General Patton on that ass. And I love that Ames served as his war-time consigliere. Tom Hagen would be proud.

There is also a movement to eliminate Gia. This just makes me angry. I find myself promising that if she gets eliminated I’ll never watch tv again. But of course I promptly come to my senses and add, “except on Saturday. Saturday is college football.”

In the end though, Rated R and Alli get the boot. I feel kinda bad for Alli, because she seems blindsided, but I’m couldn’t be happier about Rated R. What does the R stand for now, champ? Removal? Retirement? Retreat? How about good Riddance...

All in all, it was an enjoyable first episode, but I’ll be glad next week when it goes back to its normal length. And...AND...I have it on good authority that The Mask might even make a few more appearances as the season goes on! So I’m excited about that.

Anyway, it’s been fun folks, but it’s 10 AM and I’m late for work. See you next week!