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Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Every Show Has its Corn (or the Hock of Love)


It was only a week ago that the Bachelor Pad seemed like a magical place where anything could happen, and anyone—even a robot wearing bright red pants—could find love.
What a difference a week makes.
In the days since last Monday, we found out that Jackie and the Tin Man have parted ways (perhaps opening the door for Ames to be the next Bachelor?). And while I’m excited about the possibility of a Bachelor where all the contestants are household appliances, I’m still pretty bummed. Those two were cute together.
Anyway, upon our return to Casa De Los Crazies, Blake is attempting to do some damage control in the wake of ‘Hurricane Melissa,’ but she isn’t having it. “Why don’t you start with I’m sorry I played you for a fool?” she says. I think she’s overreacting a bit. I mean, as The Main Ingredient taught us, Everybody Plays the Fool...Sometimes.  
 Blake says he feels like Melissa is a ‘live wire, and he’s covered in water.’ I’d feel bad for him if he weren’t also the one swinging the axe that brought the power lines down in the first place.  
(Unrelated Blake Note: He’s a self-described prostitute with a big smile. Slap a red dress on him and he’s Pretty Woman).
Jake feels as if he’s on the chopping block and the only way he’s going to stay in the house for another week is to win the immunity challenge. He likes his chances though, because there’s a "couple of things I’m just really blessed with: mental durability, physical strength, and problem solving." One thing Jake isn’t too good at? Math.
Suddenly, Chris Harrison parachutes in from a special assignment in Libya. He’s spent the last week personally removing Muammar Qaddafi from power, and you can tell he’s exhausted. Still, he fights through it and manages to introduce the next competition:
SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING!!
Wait…synchronized swimming?
My initial reaction is to go stick my head in the oven until it’s over, and it’s only strengthened when the guys rip off their shorts to reveal the most disturbing collection of banana hammocks I’ve ever seen.  The girls’ suits aren’t much better, looking like they were shipped straight from the set of Leave It to Beaver.  Ladies, there’s a reason we left the 50s…it’s because they sucked.

The women think they’re going to dominate the competition because someone was a cheerleader, someone was a dancer, blah blah blah. (Honestly, I have to tune out sometimes just to retain an ounce or two of my sanity). But there are a couple of things the ladies failed to account for: 1) Michael Stagliano is a dance choreographer, and 2) Erica is the worst swimmer that's ever lived.  I mean, it was bad…so bad that I’m pretty sure when she was growing up her family must have paid someone else to swim for her. Seriously, this dog is a better swimmer than she is: Click me.
But I digress.
The best part about this competition is the gratuitous girl on girl kiss at the end (thanks Michelle and Holly!) It turns out Jake is a pretty good ballerina, but Stagliano wins for the guys; and much to Vienna’s dismay, Michelle Money wins for the ladies.
After not winning the competition, Jake is still concerned for his safety in the house and is looking to form an alliance. So naturally he tracks down the girl with the lowest self-esteem, which after last week’s competition would be Erica, and gives her the googly eyes. They make out, causing me to find out what an anti-erection feels like.
Blake is also freaking out a little bit, thinking that because of his spat with Melissa, he too is on the chopping block. He really hopes he gets picked to go on the date, because I guess after last week he knows that if he puts out he just might get a rose. I’d watch out if I were you, bud…turning tricks for favors is a slippery slope. Remember Requiem for a Dream? Before you know it, some old guy is going to be throwing dollar bills at you screaming “ass to ass!” And I like you too much for that to happen.
Kasey and Vienna get into a tiff about Jake (what else?), prompting him to ask her if she wants to have ‘another breakup on national television.’ This marks the first time in years I’ve laughed so hard my beverage actually comes out of my nose.
When the date card arrives, Michelle picks Kasey, Graham and Blake to go on her date. It’s pretty boring for the most part, but I tuned back in for the following exchange:
  1. Michelle: I think you’re great.
  2. DJ Qualls, err, ‘Graham’: You barely know me.
  3. They start making out.
Seriously, I had no idea DJ Qualls has that much game. He’s come a long way since Road Trip. Graham obviously gets the rose, and I have to admit, they make a pretty cute couple.
For his date, Michael chooses Ella, Vienna, and in a shocking twist, HOLLY! Honestly, I don’t know why anyone else even goes on these dates. He loves that girl so hard, no one else has a chance. Vienna and Ella would’ve been better served staying back at the mansion practicing their crazy eyes.
The coolest part about this date is Brett Michaels showing up and doing his rock star relationship counselor thing. He sings “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn” (because what ELSE would he sing?) and Holly and Michael wax philosophically about the demise of their relationship. It’s touching…again, but it’s getting to the point where these two either need to knock boots or stop talking about it.
Back at the house, Jake is trying to rally the troops against Kasey and Vienna. “People are keeping them around, and they’re getting sent home,” he says, adding “that isn’t even playing the game. That’s just plain stupid.” I find myself agreeing with him for once, so I immediately take three shots as punishment.
Meanwhile, it’s Kasey and Vienna’s six month anniversary, and he wants to put a ring on it. But when Kasey gets down on one knee, Vienna immediately freaks out and says something to the effect of: “No, no no no no no no no no no…you can’t do this to me!” This reaction alone would’ve prompted me to dump her on the spot. I’m not saying I’d propose after six months, but if you’ve been together that long and you can’t at least envision a long term future together, you’re in the wrong relationship.
Still, Kasey informs her it’s just a promise ring, and apparently Vienna can deal with that. She accepts, and for some reason he decides to start singing. The last time he tried this, it ended with him being left alone on a glacier, but I guess he figured that since there were no large slabs of ice around he was safe.
Suddenly a 1967 Shelby comes speeding by and Chris Harrison dives out of it just before it launches off a nearby cliff. It isn’t for any particular reason; that’s just how he gets his kicks. After he dusts himself off and pours himself a single malt scotch, he explains that the game has AGAIN changed. Why, you ask? Because he’s Chris f**king Harrison, that’s why.
Anyway, it turns out tonight only ONE guy will be going home. The odds are it’s going to be Jake, and for a moment I kind of feel bad for him. I was the only guy Ashley chose to send home in Phuket, and being singled out like that stings a little.
But Jake does an admirable job mounting an insurrection, and succeeds in splitting the house down the middle between banishing him or Kasey. It seems that Kirk will the deciding vote, and he’s torn because he has an alliance with Kasey, but strategically it makes more sense to get rid of the person with the most power.
When it comes rose ceremony time, Jake and Kasey are the last two guys without roses, and just as Chris Harrison says Kasey’s name, the screen cuts to black and the show is over.  It’s a very Sopranos-esque ending, which is to say that it basically pissed everyone in America off. Chris Harrison immediately took to the internet, tweeting that it would all make sense next week. I don’t know how, but I’m really hoping Jake goes out like this: Scarface Quits His Job.
All in all, it was a pretty good episode. It in no way compares to last week, but it delivered just enough crazy to keep us coming back for more. So until next week, dear readers: Good night and good luck.



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