If that's you, and I know it is...well have no fear my friends. It's time for Bachelor Pad 2! If The Bachelor and Bachelorette are about soaring on the wings of love, Bachelor Pad is about shooting that bird, eating it, then drinking half a bottle of Vodka and making some bad decisions. In other words, it's just the escape you've been waiting for.
I don't want to waste your time with unnecessary exposition, so let's jump right in to the contestant breakdowns. First up: Ames Brown.
Ames Brown, 31
New York, New York
Best Known For: Being the smartest contestant in Bachelorette history, eating all the Clementines in the state of California
Little Known Fact: His parents are big James Brown fans, but they hate the letter J.
I’m not going to make any secret about this...I’m Team Ames all the way. Dude is the nicest, most genuine person I’ve ever met. In fact, I have it on good authority that he said if he wins, he plans to donate the proceeds to charity. Ames is truly a real life Mr. Darcy.
But if ever there was a place where good doesn’t triumph over evil, it’s Bachelor Pad, where deceipt, manipulation, and general debauchery are the currency of the land. Ironically, one of Ames’s best qualities--that he doesn’t seem to have a devious bone in his body--could be his downfall.
Still, I think Ames has a better shot to win than maybe some of the other contestants are giving him credit for. Why, you ask? Because he isn’t human.
I have three basic theories on Ames’ true identity:
#1: He’s a robot.
We all know Ames is a smarty pants--he went to Harvard, Yale, Columbia and MIT. If you’re keeping track at home, that’s undergrad, grad school, doctorate, and ‘I was bored.’ That’s insane no matter what the school, but we’re talking four of the most prestigious universities in the world...not the country, THE WORLD. Do you know anyone with that kind of brain power?
(Allow me to digress for a second. Do you know what I did in college? Me either, but from the little I can remember my time was spent having fun and chasing girls. People like Ames are how I know I’ll never be president.)
What you might NOT know is that Ames is also quite the runner. But not 5ks, or 10ks, or even marathons. Nope, Ames runs ULTRA-marathons. We’re talking 100 miles, without stopping. To me, that sounds like masochism of the highest order. To him, it’s a Saturday.
What's more, he ran the first one ON A BET. One night, he and a friend were sitting around and his friend bet him that he couldn’t finish the ultra-marathon that started the next day. No training, no nutritionist--just go to bed tonight, wake up tomorrow morning, and run 100 miles. And damned if he didn’t do it...
According to Ames, it usually takes about 28 hours to run 100 miles. 28 hours...straight. I’ve never done ANYTHING for 28 hours straight. Asked if he ever had to quit without finishing, Ames replied with a disappointed look: ‘Once, I only made it 82 miles.’
I don’t know if Skynet is real or not. But what I do know is Ames has a supercomputer for a brain and machine-like stamina. Those things, combined with the occasional ‘does not compute’ face he makes...well, let’s just say if my name were John Connor, I’d be worried.
#2: He’s Superman’s little brother
Obviously Superman is far too busy fighting crime and righting wrongs to waste his time on reality television. But what about his lil’ bro? Bored without the responsibility of saving lives and eager to step out of his brother’s shadow, it would only make sense that the younger Man of Steel would devote his time to the only other noble cause he knows of: finding love.
Look at the measurables. He’s 6’2, blue eyes, chiseled jaw, and built like a brick sh!thouse....all very Super qualities. And sure, he seems goofy and awkward at times, but hello--Clark Kent? Point is, he HAS to appear harmless to avoid attracting the attention of interplanetary ne’er-do-wells. Duh.
And finally, while he may not be leaping over tall buildings in a single bound, I think we can all agree that running 28+ hours without stopping is more befitting of a superhero than it is any of us. So yeah, theory #2--he’s just your friendly neighborhood Kryptonian, here to save women around the world from their undergarments.
#3: He’s an Alien
I know, I know...technically Superman is an alien too, so these theories are similar. But I don’t remember there being anything extra-special about Superman’s brain. He was noble and good-hearted, but he wasn’t solving mysteries with his noggin’. He’s no Batman, after all.
So consider this theory 2b--he’s an alien from some distant planet whose inhabitants are thousands of years more evolved than us. They have bigger brains--hence Ames’s enormous head (I can say that because my dome is huge too), and their bodies have become more efficient--hence all the running and lack of body fat. In addition, the extra millennia they’ve been in existence have allowed them to become a peaceful, loving species free of the petty quarrels surrounding our own existence.
While this theory would explain most of Ames’s eccentricities, one downside is that, if true, it would most likely mean that the 2012 end-of-days theories are also true. See link: Invasion of the Ames's But that’s a discussion for another time.
Conclusion: In sum, Ames isn’t like you and me. He’s better. Whether he’s a robot, Superman’s kid bro, or an alien harbinger of our destruction, he is twice the man I’ll ever be. He might be a little too nice for this game--It’s just not in his nature to stab anyone in the back, no matter how deserving. But at the same time, he’s smart enough to come up with a good strategy, attractive/fit enough to attract the ladies’ interest (crucial for forming alliances), and nice enough not to make any unnecessary enemies. That makes him as good a dark horse pick as any.