It’s been a long summer. Heat waves have swept the country. Earthquakes and mudslides make near daily appearances in the news. Hell, just last week we somehow came within HOURS of defaulting on our national debt. I don’t know exactly what that means, but I’m assuming we’d have to sell a state or two to China. (I vote Idaho!)
Then you turn on the TV, and everywhere you look someone’s telling you a story that makes you want to cry. Whether they’re falling in love (The Bachelorette), getting their heart broken (also the Bachelorette), or getting played by a diminutive Bradley Cooper wannabe (The Bach--you know what, forget it), the waterworks are in full effect.
Did you know they have an Extreme Makeover show for weight loss now?? Inspirational tears are the WORST, because those are the ones that make you want to be a better person and do more with your life. So not only are you crying; now you have homework!
Point is, I think we could all use a well-deserved break--a chance to sit back with a six pack of beer or a few glasses of wine and turn our brains off for a while. And since I’m pretty sure we’re going to have to wait until at least December of next year for the world to stop spinning, we’ll just have to hope some benevolent tv station feels our pain and gives us the consequence-free popcorn fare we all so desperately need.
Thank God for ABC.
That’s right, Monday night marks the return of Bachelor Pad--a show known less for flying high on the wings of love and more for backstabbing, booze-guzzling, and bad decisions. It’s college with an open bar. Several of the ‘most memorable’ (I have to use this term loosely because I have no idea who most of these people are) contestants from Bachelors and Bachelorettes past come together to live under one roof, share germs (in all sorts of delightful ways), and compete for a cash prize of $250,000.
This is your opportunity NOT to get invested, NOT to care, to sit back and mercilessly judge the poor souls who subjected themselves to this nonsense for a quarter million and a shot at fifteen more minutes of fame. Get excited; it’s the only train wreck you’ll ever be able to watch from start to finish.
Running with the train metaphor, the first episode is where you meet the passengers. You’ll get some backstory, learn a little bit about them and what they hope to get from the experience. You’ll have to watch the show for that, because I don’t care. I already picked my horse; it’s Ames. I want him to win, and everyone else is just there for my viewing pleasure.
In that vein, what follows is a brief synopsis of the storylines I hope to see unfold this season:
You might remember a guy named William from this past season of the Bachelorette. (He was the one with the bad luck and lousy umbrella). His sweet demeanor and self-deprecating sense of humor made him a fan favorite from the start. He got nicknames like William the Wonderful and Prince William. More than a few people picked him to go all the way.
But then William self-destructed on the Roast Date, and after that he could never quite regain his mojo. Suddenly, his jokes weren’t funny, he was losing his cool, and with each passing episode, more and more people saw him as the little brother that would never grow up or get the girl. In short, he was becoming the Weatherman.
The similarities are obvious. They’re both shorter, they both consider themselves to be funny, and they both threw a guy under the bus. At this point it wouldn’t totally surprise me if at some point they found out they were actually brothers separated at birth.
Bachelor Pad 2 is William’s shot at redemption. I’m hoping he mans up and makes the most of it, because I like Will. I think he’s a good guy and has a lot to offer. But if he doesn’t, I hear the Weatherman does stand up.
Kasey versus Jake
I don’t see what everyone sees in Vienna. Don’t get me wrong, she’s good looking and all, but she’s not someone I’d be trying to make an ass out of myself on national television for. But then again, I guess the bar on making an ass of yourself is set pretty low for these two.
Kasey is best known for getting a tattoo on Ali’s season, which he said represented his desire to ‘guard and protect her heart.’ Her horrified expression upon seeing said tattoo represented her desire to leave him on an iceberg.
Jake, on the other hand, is best known for...how do I put this delicately...doing literally ANYTHING he could to stay famous. He’s been on the Bachelorette, the Bachelor, Dancing with the Stars, some soap opera, some show where he and other has beens run a restaurant, and now Bachelor Pad 2. He takes fame-whore to a whole new level. At this point, he’s a fame-madame.
Knowing that these two are a few sandwiches short of a picnic AND they’ve got Vienna in the middle egging them on, is there any limit to how awesome the impending showdown could be? Kasey already said he wanted to punch Jake not just for his girlfriend, but for ‘Amurricah.’ By episode 3, Jake could be dangling Kasey out of the side of an airplane high above LA. Well, if he was still a pilot he could.
Ames Making Everyone in America Fall in Love with Him
I’ve already gone on and on about my mancrush on Ames in my previous blog post. Just get ready; soon you’ll have one too.
Justin ‘Rated R’ and Michelle Money
These two were both villains in their respective seasons, Justin of course being the slimy guy who had a girlfriend at the time of filming, and Michelle being the girl who almost managed to tell Brad how his season was going to play out. Not charm him, not seduce him, TELL him. It was impressive.
For them, Bachelor Pad 2 represents a chance to either continue down that road, or show America another side of them. If I had to guess, I’d say people are going to find out that Michelle is a lot nicer than most people give her credit for, and Justin....well, he’s pretty much the same dude.
Holly Durst and Michael Stagliano
These two were engaged until recently, when she called off the wedding. I don’t know the details of that, and Holly is a awesome chick, so I’m not going to speculate as to why it happened. Still, according to the previews, he still ‘loves the sh*t out of her,’ (eloquently put), but she is intent on moving on (to Blake, apparently). Holly’s dated several Bachelorette alums, and Blake is a very cool guy, so it wouldn’t surprise me if she does part ways with Michael for Blake, but you don’t just call off a wedding without there being some residual feelings there. So I’m definitely interested to see how that plays out.
Gia Allemand is hot. She’s so hot they’ve had her on twice, and it’s only the second season. I know, it’s not really a story line, but definitely a reason to watch.
Also not a story line, but it’s a generally accepted rule that you can’t watch reality television without playing a drinking game to it. So I thought I’d help you out by giving some early rules:
Drink every time:
Someone says they don’t care about finding love, they only want the money
Someone says they thought they only wanted the money, but now they’re developing feelings for ________
Someone sucks up to make up for something stupid they’ve done
Those rules should get you started. Hell, in 3 hours they may get you alcohol poisoning.
All in all, I’m really pumped about the premiere of Bachelor Pad. I think it’s just the refreshing escape we all needed at the end of a long, hot summer. Check me out tomorrow for live tweets during the show, and on Tuesday for an Episode One Recap.